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Author Topic: Venus crawls out from under her rock  (Read 16184 times)
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Shiny

Professor
*
« Reply #160 on: 06-30-2005 00:11 »

What can I say?  This was more of the same...same brilliance, that is.  Bender was perfect.  Fry was perfect.  The Turangas were perfect (though I would have liked to see the scene where Amy showed up with Nibbler).  I loved the music thing--I totally got it.  Fry's comment was hilarious, and perfectly in character - every now and then he comes up with great oddball imagery, and that was a classic.

My only quibble has been mentioned by Gorky - the "doesn't change nothin'" thing.  I noticed Fry doing that earlier in the story but put it down to him being injured and/or on pain meds.  Now that he's awake and aware, though, it doesn't sound like him.  Actually, I looked at the paragraph, and you could delete that one sentence and not lose anything.  The rest would still flow together nicely.

I'm loving the story, and your constant inventiveness.  The tampons riff was stellar.
THM

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #161 on: 07-04-2005 11:01 »

This is good stuff; and I have to say, being a beta-reader as I am, that it only gets better from here.  smile

'Naked ladies, naked ladies, naked ladies, naked ladies!'

- Justice Snoop Dogg, Into the Wild Green Yonder
Spacedal11

Space Pope
****
« Reply #162 on: 07-05-2005 00:42 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by Venus:
@Spacedal: She seems to like a lot of stuff. Whitney Huston [sp?] jazz noodling, opera, she went to that Beastie Boys concert. She seems to like music in general.

Point made. I'm the same way.
Nasty Pasty

DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #163 on: 07-05-2005 05:53 »

Very nice work Venus.  smile
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #164 on: 07-07-2005 23:04 »

Quick question, the 'v's' for 'w's' thing i do for Zoidberg's speech, should i keep it as it is or just change it back to normal 'w's'? As i explained before it's supposed to be an omage to Kryten but if it's too jarring i'm willing to change it. I'll do whatever the majority would like.
Gorky

Space Pope
****
« Reply #165 on: 07-08-2005 07:55 »

Hmmm...I think that, now that you mention it, Venus, the whole 'v' thing is a bit jarring. I mean, it's not as if it destroys Zoidy's character in any way (and who wouldn't want to homage the great Kryten?), but I don't think that it's necessarily a correct representation of the way he talks. And, in an angsty (albeit, a great angsty) fic, you need to stick as closely to the show as possible as far as characterization goes. I'm not exactly sure if Zoidberg saying "Vhat?" counts as characterization, per se, but it's definitely a bit easier to read when it's just "What?", and it helps me to hear Zoidberg's voice in my head. Y'know...when you use "w's" instead of "v's".

End Babbly Transmission.
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #166 on: 07-11-2005 02:10 »
« Last Edit on: 07-23-2005 00:00 »

Does anyone else have an opinion on the Zoidberg thing?


----------------------------

Taco Bellevue Hospital, room 413
9:24 am
Day 5


“And that’s where I’m gonna take you on our first date.” Fry finished as he gazed dreamily at Leela. After finally figuring out he could say anything he wanted to her without worrying about her rejecting him or walking away he had begun passing the time by telling her all about the romantic evenings he hoped to one day spend with her. If only she had been awake to hear him she would have realized Fry could be quite the romantic when he really wanted to be.

“And then we cou-” He was cut off abruptly by the sudden piercing shriek of her heart monitor. Startled he looked at the screen and was horrified to see that the little jumping line had gone flat.

“Oh my god.”

He looked above her head at the display that showed her coma score. It was at zero.

“Oh my God!”

Panicked he leapt up and grabbed her by her shoulders, shaking her slightly. “Don’t you do this Leela! Don’t you dare!” Spying the call button on her bedside table, he lunged for it and jammed the button repeatedly before tossing it aside and resuming his desperate pleas. “Come on Leela! Hang in there sweetheart help’s coming!” He glanced over his shoulder at the closed door. “Where the hell are they?!” When he looked back at her his panic grew as he noticed that she was starting to turn ash gray. That panic quickly gave way to confusion when he noticed that the gray wasn’t limited to her skin, but had spread to her hair as well. “What the hell?”  He released her shoulders and stepped back somewhat, his heart pounding as he watched the gray spread across her whole body. She no longer looked real, but like a statue. Cautiously he reached out his hand and touched her cheek gently. The touch had been feather light, but the result was dramatic. She crumbled into herself. Literally. Her body disintegrated into a shapeless pile of ash on the bed sheets.

“Nooooaahhhh-ow!”  Jerking himself awake Fry flailed about in a mad panic before falling unceremoniously off of his chair and onto the hard tile below. Without a moments hesitation he leaped up onto his knees so that he could see over the edge of the bed. There was Leela. Safe and whole, her skin a pale but normalish color and her hair the same shade of violet it’d always been. Weak with relief Fry slid back onto the floor.

“It wasn’t real, it was just a dream. Oh thank God.” Wanting to see her he pulled himself up off the floor and sat gently on her mattress where he could examine her more closely as well as hold her hand.

“I have the meanest subconscious ever.” He announced aloud once he had satisfied himself that she was in fact all right. “Or maybe the most psychic!” He gasped as he stared in dismay at the 4 that was prominently displayed where once a 6 had been. Her conditioned had worsened two whole points while he had been asleep. He moaned miserably. “Oh, Leela…please don’t do this.” He squeezed her hand tightly as his eyes filled with tears. “I know you’re not ready to go yet. You’re too young. And you just got your family back and things between us were getting better. You were finally starting to seem happy.” He brushed the tears from his face, “You just…can’t go now. We’d all miss you way too much. Even Bender.”

Knowing he was on the verge of falling apart completely, something he had promised himself he wouldn’t do in front of her, Fry cleared his throat, and tried to sound more positive and upbeat.

“There’s a surprise for you in my locker. I got it at a Swedish novelty shop before we left. I wrapped it up all nice and everything. And I can bring it and you can open it if you’d like. There’s just one thing I want you to do. I want you to wake up.”

And, just like the other hundred or so times he had asked, she remained deaf to his pleas.


Taco Bellevue Hospital, room 413
3:48 pm
Day 5


What had once started as a dull throbbing behind Fry’s left eye had now escalated to full-blown migraine status. It had started when Hermes had turned the crew’s daily visit into an impromptu business meeting and had only gotten worse when the Professor had suggested hiring a temp to replace Leela as Captain. The only thing that had kept him from completely flying off the handle was the unanimous rejection of that idea by the rest of the crew. Well, almost unanimous. Hermes had been cautiously open to the idea, with the reasoning that even if Leela were to wake up at that precise moment, the doctors would probably want to keep her for a few days after which she would almost definitely require a couple of days medical leave. But even with that fiscally reasonable argument aside Fry, Amy, Zoidberg, and to everyone’s surprise even Bender had been uncomfortable with the idea of hiring a replacement. Not even on a temporary basis.

That line of conversation had effectively killed the mood, leaving long stretches of awkward silence which everyone tried to fill, but to no avail. Which really wasn’t all that unusual during these daily visits. Serious conversation seemed inappropriate, trivial conversation seemed much too…trivial. Generally the gang would hang around for an hour or so, however long their consciences required of them, make uneasy small talk while offering Fry whatever comfort and support they could, and then they would leave with promises to check in later or to do whatever little errand he asked them to do.

Fry winced as Bender droned on about his latest culinary masterpiece. Amy took notice of this and leaned in close to him.

“You okay?” She asked with concern.

“Yeah, headache, that’s all.”

“It’s probably cause you haven’t been eating much. Want me to grab you something from the vending machine? My treat.”

Fry shook his head, but offered her a small reassuring smile. “I’m fine.”

“You sure?”

He nodded.

“Alright. Offer still stands if you change your mind later or something.”

Fry nodded again and went back to pretending that he was following the rest of the crew’s conversations. Normally he tried to stay plugged in and keep up with what was being said but today he just wasn’t up to it. After five tortuous days with no good news Fry was exhausted. True part of it was because he really hadn’t been taking proper care of himself, he ate only when reminded and never slept for longer than an hour at a time, but mostly it was the emotional toll that was really wearing him down. Leela’s coma score had gone back up to her usual 6 at around two o’clock, a fact that Fry couldn’t have been more grateful for. But those four-and-a-half hours of added worry had really added to his haggard appearance. His heavily disheveled form coupled with a slightly manic glare had frightened away several interns who had been given the near impossible task of extricating him from Leela’s bedside. Needless to say, none of them had been successful.

Sometime later the crew began to say their goodbyes and started to leave. Amy was the last to depart. Also not unusual for these daily visits. Since Fry wasn’t really up to taking care of his own needs Amy had taken it upon herself to step up and keep her eye out for him. Whether out of guilt, pity, or the beginning manifestations of the maternal instincts she had begun to develop after the birth of her children Fry wasn’t sure. But if not for her efforts Fry would have most certainly driven himself to collapse by this point.

“I’m bringing you dinner tonight. And you’re actually going to eat it this time. So you can either choose something or deal with whatever I find but you’re gonna eat tonight. Or I’m gonna have you kicked out of here before you make yourself sick.”     

Fry sneered at her. “Stronger security guards then you have tried.”

Amy rolled her eyes. “Ai Ya! What good are you to her if you make yourself sick? How can you be strong for her if you’re almost as bad off as she is?”

Fry was silent for several seconds as he stared unhappily at his fallen love.
“Do you think she’s gonna die?” He asked softly, never turning around.

Amy shifted nervously, surprised by the unexpected topic change. “Um, well. I think it’s too soon t-”

Fry cut her off. “Don’t tell me what you think I want to hear. I wanna know what you really think.”

Amy sighed. “Yeah.” She answered softly. “I think she’s gonna die. I’m kinda s’prised she made it this long. I think her doctor is kinda s’prised too.”

“I really think you’re both wrong.” Fry stated firmly with a look of desperate determination.

“I really hope we are.” She answered simply.


Taco Bellevue Hospital, room 413
1:17 pm
Day 7     


“King me!” Fry announced triumphantly as he maneuvered his red checker piece to Leela’s side of the checkerboard. After ‘kinging’ himself he took one of Leela’s black pieces and jumped it over several of his own guys, including the newly crowned king.

“Aaand you’ve beat me again. You’re really good at this!” He paused, as if for an answer. “No I am not letting you win! Don’t believe me? Fine! I’ll cream you next round you’ll see!”

He was halfway through resetting the board when the door behind him opened and a sobbing Amy slowly entered. Fry looked up, alarmed.

“Amy, what’s wrong?”

She answered shakily. “They wanna pull her life support.”

“WHAT?!” Heart pounding, Fry leapt to his feet sending checker pieces flying in random directions. “They can’t do that! It’s only been a week!”

“I know.” Amy whimpered, “But her doctor was reading through her medical history and apparently she was in some kind of accident a few years ago and once they had her fixed up and stuff she told them that she never wanted to be kept on life support for longer than three days.”

Crushed and in shock Fry stared numbly down at Leela’s face. “I-I don’t believe this. Why would she…it doesn’t…they can’t.” He glanced tearfully up at Amy with a pleading look. “They can’t.”

“That’s part of the problem.” Amy continued. “Whoever wrote down that order forgot about it or something cause he never logged it in. Apparently there’s supposed to be paperwork and a notary and it never got done, so legally it doesn’t stand.”

Fry perked up with relief. “So they can’t.”

“Since it’s what she said she wanted they still want to do it, but officially it’s your decision.”

He jerked in surprise. “My decision? Why mine?”

“Cause you’re the only one Leela has listed as next of kin. You pretty much have say over anything they do to her.”

Thunderstruck, Fry sank into his chair.

Amy looked surprised. “You mean you didn’t know?”

Fry shook his head. “I had no idea.” He looked overwhelmed. “That’s like a major responsibility. I can’t believe she would trust me with something that big.”

“I guess she figures you care enough about her to try to do the right thing.” Amy ran her hand roughly across her face to wipe away the tears but really only managed to smear her mascara. “Speaking of which, I was talking to the others and we all really think this is a decision you should give to her parents.”

Fry nodded. “Fine. They won’t let them do that to her either. Go ahead and let them decide.”

“I think you should be the one to call them.”

Fry looked uncomfortable. He hadn’t left Leela’s side yet and wasn’t exactly ready to give that a try. “You don’t want to be the one to hafta give them more bad news?”

“No. I just think they deserve to hear something like this from someone who loves her as much as they do.”

Fry wavered for a moment. Unsure of the right decision.

“It’s what Leela would want.”

That sealed it. There was nothing he would deny Leela, even in a coma. He stood up.
“Would you stay here with her while I’m gone? I don’t want her to be alone.”

Amy nodded. “Of course.”


Taco Bellevue Hospital, room 413
1:34 pm
Day 7


Once the door shut behind Fry’s exiting form Amy slowly stepped towards Leela’s bedside. It was surprisingly eerie being in there alone with her. It was like she was completely alone in the room, only….not. She wasn’t sure what to do or say, or even if she should say anything at all. So she busied herself by hunting down the scattered checker pieces and placing them back in their box. It took her nearly ten minutes and some clever improvising with items from her purse to get a hold of all of the pieces, some of which had rolled under some of the medical equipment. But after she got that chore out of the way she once again found herself at a loss for what to do next. Fry had been very insistent on treating Leela like she was there and would get upset if he noticed she was being ignored. So Amy fought back her heebie-jeebies, sat down in Fry’s chair and attempted conversation.

“Hi Leela. It’s Amy...Which you probably already knew. Voice recognition and all...if you can even hear me…which you might not…I’m not entirely sure how this is supposed to work. But it’s what Fry does, so I guess it can’t hurt anything, right?…And I actually paused for an answer. Hmm.” Amy fidgeted, feeling rather stupid. “Umm, well first off, it’s been pointed out to me that I’m not usually the nicest person where you’re concerned. I don’t really mean to be mean you know? I like you just as much as I like everyone else. I mean, we’re the only girls so we gotta stick together right?” Amy caught herself waiting for a response again, cleared her throat and forged on. “So if anything I’ve said upset you or anything, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I do it, it just kinda comes out and then I don’t even think anything of it. But I swear I don’t hate you or anything like that. So maybe we could be better friends now? When you wake up? If you wake up. Which I really hope you do, not just for your sake but for Fry’s too. You have no idea how much he really cares about you, Leela. I don’t think I even realized it ‘till now. You should see the way he looks at you. He’s so scared, but he’s trying so hard. It’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever seen.” She sighed. “You know, I really hope things work out for you guys. I think you two could fit really well together. I don’t know why you don’t see it. Besides, it’d be nice to have someone to go on double dates with. I’m tired of going to the bathroom alone.”
----------------------------

Yeah yeah i broke Tongue's rule about benevolent Amy, i know.   tongue I tried to make it as realistic to the situation as i could but if i over did it don't hesitate to call me on it.

I miss Layla. And Shiny. And Asa. I wish they would come back and post more of their various art.
DrThunder88

DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #167 on: 07-11-2005 04:11 »
« Last Edit on: 07-11-2005 04:11 »

You benevolamyizer!

Although I can't be certain, I think that the whole overly benevolent or romantic Amy thing was more of a component of a much larger lesson called canon-consistent characterization (okay, I just made the name up, but you get the idea).

I know I haven't commented much in the past few pages (or to put it another way "the entire thread" ), but this is a pretty darn good story.  It's good because, for the most part, the characters are true to form and it's the story that's dramatic.  That makes all the difference between this fic and Generic Shipfic #32.

I still don't like knowing what the characters are thinking because someone is telling me, and in Futurama fanfics that is usually because the characters probably wouldn't be thinking those things, but for the most part, your peeks at the inner workings of the characters' minds are adequately satisfactory.

I'm looking forward to how it ends.  I mean I know how it ends.  What I'm looking forward to is how it gets there.
Gorky

Space Pope
****
« Reply #168 on: 07-11-2005 09:15 »
« Last Edit on: 07-11-2005 09:15 »

Great update, Venus. It was sweet, dramatic, and, y'know, all that other good stuff.

Fry was so undeniably sweet in this section. (I liked how you incorporated the whole "surprise for you in my locker" thing...you fit it in so tactfully that it didn't feel at all out of place...which is good.) His playing checkers with Leela is bordering on the edge of pathetic (I mean that in a hopelelessly sweet way, though), but, when you consider how much he loves her, then it works really well. In fact, that may very well be my favorite little moment from this last update. Your Fry writing in general was fantastic, and I especially liked the "Stronger security guards then you have tried," line. Don't know exactly why, though.

As for your characterization of Amy, I'd have to say that (aside from Bender, who isn't the most sensitive character anyway, and, of course, Leela), Fry shares the closest bond with Amy. Sure, we never got to see much of her opinion regarding the ship, but, at the end of The Sting, Amy is quick to remind Leela that Fry never left her side for a minute. So, I guess that, if you read waaay too much into everything (like me), that could mean that Amy was with Fry through some of his darkest days. Makes sense, I guess. Amy probably does have that natural nurturing instinct that all woman have, so I could understand why she would be the crewmember to serve as Fry's guardian. So, all in all, I think that Amy didn't stray too far from her character...sure, she may be a bit more sensitive to everyone else's feelings than she is in the series itself, but I can buy almost 100% of the stuff you had her say and do in this last section.

My only complaint has to do with you sort of creating facts about the character's past. Now, don't get me wrong, as a shipper, I love the fact that Leela listed Fry as her next of kin. It's just that, well, I'm never all that happy when an author decides to create new details in a character's backstory. Still, I like how you didn't go into too much detail when it came to describing her accident. Of course, I've made up new backstories for Leela on a few occassions, so I guess I'm not one to talk, am I?   tongue

Anyway, I can't wait to see what you have in store for us next. Keep up the great work.
NIC2001

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #169 on: 07-11-2005 13:09 »

That was great Venus! (Like always)  smile

You finely put a line from the show in it. Now I can easily see the timeline of it. I can’t wait to see what happen in the next 7 days.

Btw, how did you manage with the storm? Were you hit by it or did it pass far from you? Hold on because there is another one coming! We don’t want to lose you.

Take care and keep it up.
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #170 on: 07-11-2005 14:13 »
« Last Edit on: 07-11-2005 14:13 »

Hurricane missed me completely.

Just as a side note about the Amy thing, her taking care of Fry is entirely motivated by guilt. She was called onto the floor for the way she has treated Leela in the past and since she can't do anything to make it up to Leela, her beeing in a coma and all, she's doing the next best thing, which is helping Fry. She's not suddenly obsessed with the ship which sometimes happens in shipperfic, she's only really commenting on it cause with Fry having practically glued himself to Leela's side she'd have to be blind not to notice that something was there between them. Yeah she has a tendency to be a little oblivious but it would be really hard in that situation to be that oblivious.


@ Gorky: You don't like when authors make up backstories? I love it. Provided said backstories don't contradict canon. Layla's great at it. There will be a lot of backstory tidbits in this fic. Morris and Munda are in it a lot so things that happened in the past get brought up. Even Leela's accident gets a more detailed mention later.
NIC2001

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #171 on: 07-11-2005 14:24 »

Glad to hear that you were not hit by it.  smile
(You do live in Florida right? If so you were lucky.)

Watch out for the next one.

Bye for now.
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #172 on: 07-11-2005 14:30 »

Yup i live in Florida. I'm in Orlando.
SpaceCase

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #173 on: 07-11-2005 14:43 »

Hello Venus,
I'm relieved to hear the hurricane missed you. I hope that's as close to one as you ever get. Nuff' said.

Another fine addition. Ya'done good!

 
Quote
Originally posted by Venus:
Does anyone else have an opinion on the Zoidberg thing?


Yes.

<Scruffy>
Ahm aginnit...
</Scruffy>

But you already knew that...  smile

Hmm. If I stand really close to you, maybe some talent will rub off on me...  big grin
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #174 on: 07-11-2005 14:45 »

*Spacecase gets really close*

Hello! Enjoy my personal space!
NIC2001

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #175 on: 07-11-2005 14:53 »

That's a nice City. I spend a whole week there almost 12 years ago. (We (My family and I) were visiting Disney world) (That was so long ago… (Sighing))

I have to go back to work now.
SpaceCase

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #176 on: 07-11-2005 15:15 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by Venus:
*Spacecase gets really close*

Hello! Enjoy my personal space!

<SC raises index finger>
In a strictly platonic kind of way...   love

*Sigh*
Y'just keep on doin' it: Puttin' me in breathless anticipation of more - AGAIN!
How do you do that?   confused

Meh! Never mind: Just KEEP DOIN' IT!   tongue
JBERGES

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #177 on: 07-11-2005 17:47 »
« Last Edit on: 07-11-2005 17:47 »

Venus, I’m enjoying this story more as it goes further; you’ve given all the characters a bit more depth than we’re used to on the show, and that took a bit of getting used to, at least for me.  But now, everything seems to be running smoothly.  Your dialogue is very humanized and pragmatic, while the exposition remains refined and vivid.  Like I said earlier, I like that contrast is style.

For the Zoidberg thing, I agree that w's are better than v's.  Although your homage is good-natured, I think that with Zoidberg, it’s best to forgo the accent and let the reader’s imagination put the inflection where they think it should go.

One nitpick is that “Stronger security guards [sic]then you have tried.”  Implies that Amy is a security guard; it’d probably read better as “Security guards much stronger than you have tried.”

Nice drama, keep it up.
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #178 on: 07-11-2005 18:07 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by JBERGES:
One nitpick is that “Stronger security guards [sic]then you have tried.”  Implies that Amy is a security guard; it’d probably read better as “Security guards much stronger than you have tried.”


Hmm. It seems to lose something in the flow. Is there another way of rewording it perhaps?
JBERGES

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #179 on: 07-11-2005 18:18 »
« Last Edit on: 07-11-2005 18:18 »

    Uh... off the top of my head:

    Security guards stronger than you have tried
    People much stronger than you have tried
    People stronger than you have tried
    Stronger people have tried
    Stronger people have tried and failed
    Guards paid to do just that have already failed

Sorry if those aren’t much better...
Shaucker

Professor
*
« Reply #180 on: 07-11-2005 18:19 »

I will come back later and finish reading, I swear it this time...
Crash_7

Professor
*
« Reply #181 on: 07-11-2005 22:18 »

How 'bout:

"Bigger people than you have tried!"

Sounds more like something Fry would say.
Shiny

Professor
*
« Reply #182 on: 07-12-2005 23:21 »

I started this reply last night, but couldn't finish it till now....

I say, leave the "security guards" line as it is.  This is Fry, it's perfectly in character for him to mangle syntax and attribution a little.  And the original wording IS the funniest and flows the best.

And you already know my opinion of Dr. Z's V's.  If I'd been around when the Mighty Kryten was first posting, I'd have given him the same advice, and then maybe you wouldn’t have this dilemma at all.  Yes, that's right, my arrogance knows no bounds.  I am the greetest!  Viva Me!

You miss my art?  Thank you!  Though "art" is actually what I'm doing right now that is keeping me from writing.  Drawing, that is. I'm getting better at drawing the characters, though Fry's hair is a continual challenge for some reason....you think it’d be straightforward - two spikes fore, two spikes aft - but something about it demands really precise proportions. That, and I have two longer story ideas I'm musing over, which are harder to work on than nice, short, missing scenes. 

Anyway, enough about my stories, back to your story.  (Huh, I guess my arrogance knows some bounds... )

Opening nightmare - excellent.  You had me going.  Evil woman!  I mean that in the nicest possible way, of course.  I really like Fry’s line about Leela finally starting to seem happy, that was perfect, I love him having that little insight into her character.  And good plan, leading it off with him talking about the romantic dates he’d like to take her on.  You start us out thinking it’s just a clever way to work in more of the episode, only to slam us with the scary stuff.  Good job.

I like Amy taking care of Fry, it seems perfectly in character to me.  I see that guilt is driving her somewhat, but I also think she does care what happens to Fry and Leela (about the other PE folk, I’m not as sure); plus, she and Fry did have a fling, and there’s a certain amount of residual affection for someone you’ve slept with.  I also think that on a subconscious level she knows that, to be frank, if she doesn’t do it, nobody else is gonna.  Bender might do it sporadically, when the mood takes him, but no one else will buckle down and do it regularly.  It’s sad that it’s always the next female in line who falls (or is pushed) into this role, but that IS what happens in group dynamics most of the time.  It’s a realistic development and totally works.

Fry playing checkers with a comatose person - good.  Fry losing at checkers to a comatose person - perfect.  Fry threatening to cream said comatose person in the next round - hilarious, because we all know he’s still gonna lose.  laff

I have a slight problem with the way Amy broke the news about the life support - it’s a great oh no! moment when she says “They wanna pull her life support,” but it’s a little misleading, since they legally can’t, and she’s aware of this.  I mean, red herrings are fine, but this one seems a little artificial in the way it comes up and then doesn’t last very long.  I think Amy should either immediately tell Fry that there’s no immediate danger, or - if you want to preserve the suspense even longer - she and he could have a conversation at cross-purposes, where she thinks she’s told him that vital piece of information but hasn’t and he suffers the consequences for the entire scene.  In other words, I think you should either lessen the impact of the red herring...or increase it, and milk it for ALL the angst it’s worth.  tongue

Leela making Fry her next of kin, I can see.  I have no doubt she either did it on a momentary impulse, knowing that no one else she knew came remotely close to caring enough about her to fill that role - or she might have done it during the timeslips when they were engaged, and (of course) not remembered it afterwards.

I like Amy’s monologue to Leela a lot.  And I don’t think the breaking of Tongue Luck’s rule is out of character.  In fact, I think with everything you’ve set up, it’s the exception which proves it’s possible to do well (but that most writers don’t lay enough ground work to make it seem right).  The only changes I would recommend making are to two bits....where she says “You have no idea how much he really loves you, Leela,” I thought that she’d sound a little more Amy-like if she said “cares about” instead of “loves;” and I thought it would be helpful if she added that she didn’t realize how deep his feelings ran until now, either. 

In a like fashion, I think it does go a little too far later when she says “You fit really well together.  I don’t know why you don’t see it. Everyone else does.”  See, we, the fans, can see how well Fry and Leela fit - but we have seen many of Fry and Leela’s private moments where their deeper characters are revealed, and the times where they really seem to click well together (The Titanic ep, the Xmas ep, Leela’s Homeworld, etc); the other PE crew haven’t seen them, and even if they had, I doubt they’d care enough to analyze them to death like we do  wink - and that, I think, is what Tongue Luck was taking aim at (ascribing fannish levels of insight and interest to characters).  I’d recommend having Amy say something more like “I think you’d actually fit really well together.  Maybe no one else does, but nobody gets what I see in Kif, either.”  And then the bit about double dates. 

Those two little tweaks make it wholly a matter of Amy noticing what she hadn’t before because now she has good reason to notice.  Not even Tongue Luck could object.  tongue


Some favorite lines:

“I have the meanest subconscious ever.” - yes, even Fry’s own mind picks on him.  Heh.

Serious conversation seemed inappropriate, trivial conversation seemed much too…trivial.  Perfectly conveys the discomfort of this kind of situation.

It was surprisingly eerie being in there alone with [Leela]. It was like she was completely alone in the room, only….not. Again, this hits the nubbin of unease in a way that resonates with anyone who’s ever experienced it.


And this exchange was pure gold, plain and simple:
 
Quote
“Do you think she’s gonna die?” He asked softly, never turning around.

Amy shifted nervously, surprised by the unexpected topic change. “Um, well. I think it’s too soon t-”

Fry cut her off. “Don’t tell me what you think I want to hear. I wanna know what you really think.”

Amy sighed. “Yeah.” She answered softly. “I think she’s gonna die. I’m kinda s’prised she made it this long. I think her doctor is kinda s’prised too.”

“I really think you’re both wrong.” Fry stated firmly with a look of desperate determination.

“I really hope we are.” She answered simply.

You hit the height of hope and the nadir of despair in just a few words. You’ve got an excellent instinct for those pivotal moments of universal emotion.  You go, Venus.  Can't wait to see more...

 smile
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #183 on: 07-13-2005 00:01 »

I do believe you are right about the Amy thing. Fixy fixy time!
Layla50

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #184 on: 07-17-2005 20:48 »

(Sighs in near orgasmic pleasure)

I don't know where to begin fanfic-author-with-the-pretty-name-of-niceness. So this review covers the last two updates, and the happy shippy terror you have put me in.

Loved Bender's robbing Leela's apartment, especially because of Fry's reaction to it. In that friendship it seems that Bender is definate the dominant person. Fry's usually ready and willing to go along with him, so I really like Fry standing his ground, well, standing Leela's ground, technically.

Actually, I love how stubborn he's being with everyone, especially all those nurses.
Liked Morris and Munda being "foreign", and how the nurse gave up when Bender arrived.

 
Quote
“Jeez, what crashed her operatin’ system?” Bender asked.
I spend a lot of time trying to come up with lines like that one. Great job!
 
Quote
I wouldn’t love her any more than I do now even if I were her family.”
Just beautiful!

Leela's music choices are hilarious, in character and deeply disturbing. You planning any background flashbacks or you going to keep hinting at things. Either way works well for me 'cause I'm trying to treat your story as fanon, unoffical canon, which isn't easy to do when I don't know what's gonna happen. I'm in the planning stages of that Leela fic, and I wanna reference yours, that's what I'm trying to say, unless that would bother you.

The furniture shift is the best evil trick ever. Leela's so methodical: she'd know something was wrong, but she'd never figure out what. It'd drive her batty!

I don't know if anyone's mentioned this, but I laughed at the tampons thing. For Leela's sake, I hope she never finds out about that. Retroactive embarassment, anyone?

I adore the way you have Fry talking to Leela like she can hear. Especially that sweet little apology. It's very humanizing for Leela.

I didn't recognize a single song, which is probably a good sigh, eh?  wink Well chosen lyrics though, although you've just been demoted to songficcer. Of course, so have I for "you are my sunshine". We'll just have to be pariahs together. I mean, if you get outcast from the internet, where do you go?  smile

I think you handled Amy's dropping off of Nibbler very well. It was a good choice to just allude to it since you gave us a Morris and Munda scene later. Speaking of which, that was heartbreaking, in other words, no less than what I've come to expect from you, wonderful author person.

I completely wanted to give Munda a hug all the way through. The mention of Nibbler was really well done. You handle him much better than I do. I'm thinking I should adopt that outside POV perspective with him as others have suggested.
I like the supportive optimism you've got going with Morris. It's a nice contrast with Munda's reactions. 87% is an excellent number. I have spoken!

Now, for part the second:

This started off feeling delightfully familiar to me, but I can't remember if this is one of the parts you emailed me or if it was posted as a teaser. Happy memories in any case and now I get to see what you did with it! (Is very happy)

The more you write Fry, the more I like him. He's just so cuddlable! Leela! Wake up and see how cuddlable he is! (pants) Easy girl, easy.

Oh, the nightmare...

PANIC!!!!

Heart stopping, Venus dear. Really scary. And then just when we're sighing in relief you hit us with the score drop. You are a ruthless vixen, I'll give you that. Very effective writing.

Love the reference to The Sting conversations. It's great seeing them from the outside world. Since I first saw that episode (about a year ago I'd guess) I've always tried to picture the conversations around Leela that led to what she hears. And then you go and do this:
 
Quote
And, just like the other hundred or so times he had asked, she remained deaf to his pleas.
Awesome and perfect and utterly brilliant... I wuv you this much! (spreads arms wide)

Fry's physical breakdown makes me feel tired, in a good way. I'm glad the crew rejected the temp hiring, and that Fry had backup. Great description of awkward silence. I like how much Amy is in this fic. I like how supportive she is, and how varied the reasons are that she has for being so supportive. I don't think she's a bad person, and shallow though she may be, that doesn't mean she can't be a little complex. Well, I'm not making sense, but hopfully my point is made.

I liked the reference to Amy's children.

This:
 
Quote
Fry was silent for several seconds as he stared unhappily at his fallen love.
“Do you think she’s gonna die?” He asked softly, never turning around.

Amy shifted nervously, surprised by the unexpected topic change. “Um, well. I think it’s too soon t-”

Fry cut her off. “Don’t tell me what you think I want to hear. I wanna know what you really think.”

Amy sighed. “Yeah.” She answered softly. “I think she’s gonna die. I’m kinda s’prised she made it this long. I think her doctor is kinda s’prised too.”

“I really think you’re both wrong.” Fry stated firmly with a look of desperate determination.
was well and truly poignant, very touching.

The checker game was adorabibble, making sobbing Amy that much more terrifying. Gosh, Venus, you really pack an emotional wallop when you're writing!

I'm desperately curious about Leela's prior accident, but her not wanting to be on life support for more than three days doesn't surprise me in the least. Got me a little teary eyed with Fry's reaction. I've never been so glad whoever copied that order messed up, although it sets my conspiracy theory alarm bells going. I'm sure I'm just paranoid though.

Very touching and powerful that Fry is listed as next of kin. Sort of a subtle, yet huge sign of trust. I just loved it.

Messy mascara Amy was a nice touch.

I like how you stayed with Amy instead of following Fry, mostly because it's an incredible, soul destroying tease. "Heebie-jeebies" is... are? ... (an) excellent word(s).

I loved Amy's description of Fry's behavior,
except for the lines Shiny already mentioned. The double dating thing naturally put me in a shippy spiral of good-

Oh my gosh, I just got hit with a shippy moment for the Leela fic, thanks Venus! Gotta write it down... yippee!

Ah... where was I? Oh yeah, -ness. I like how you have some many promises of good things to come. It's angstastic for sure, but hopeful all the same. Lovely, Venus, absolutely lovely!

Forgive the lateness of my reply.

Nasty Pasty

DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #185 on: 07-17-2005 22:05 »

Very nice stuff Venus!  smile
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #186 on: 07-17-2005 22:41 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by Layla50:
Leela's music choices are hilarious, in character and deeply disturbing. You planning any background flashbacks or you going to keep hinting at things. Either way works well for me 'cause I'm trying to treat your story as fanon, unoffical canon, which isn't easy to do when I don't know what's gonna happen. I'm in the planning stages of that Leela fic, and I wanna reference yours, that's what I'm trying to say, unless that would bother you.



By all means! Reference away! Any specific questions you want me to answer, email me.
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #187 on: 07-18-2005 22:06 »

http://img307.imageshack.us/img307/259/datewallpaperjpg27wo.jpg

I made a new wallpaper on photoshop. I'm thinking i should maybe send it to TLZ.
Spacedal11

Space Pope
****
« Reply #188 on: 07-18-2005 22:12 »
« Last Edit on: 07-20-2005 00:00 »

That's a nice wallpaper.

 
Quote
“That’s part of the problem.” Amy continued. “Whoever wrote down that order forgot about it or something cause he never logged it in. Apparently there’s supposed to be paperwork and a notary and it never got done, so legally it doesn’t stand.”

Fry perked up with relief. “So they can’t.”

“Since it’s what she said she wanted they still want to do it, but officially it’s your decision.”

He jerked in surprise. “My decision? Why mine?”

“Cause you’re the only one Leela has listed as next of kin. You pretty much have say over anything they do to her.”

Thunderstruck, Fry sank into his chair.

Amy looked surprised. “You mean you didn’t know?”

Fry shook his head. “I had no idea.” He looked overwhelmed. “That’s like a major responsibility. I can’t believe she would trust me with something that big.”

“I guess she figures you care enough about her to try to do the right thing.” Amy ran her hand roughly across her face to wipe away the tears but really only managed to smear her mascara. “Speaking of which, I was talking to the others and we all really think this is a decision you should give to her parents.”

I like that. And I'm assuming that Leela didn't know her parents when she decided to have Fry be the one to make the decision for her. That's a sweet notion of her.
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #189 on: 07-18-2005 22:36 »
« Last Edit on: 07-18-2005 22:36 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by Spacedal11:
Stupid question but I wouldn't think of Fry taking advantage of her.


I don't understand what your asking. Is it about the wallpaper? Cause it really has nothing to do with my story, it's just a photoshop i randomly got the idea for. I just picked the Venusian garden background cause it was pretty, originally i wanted the background to be like a fairground or something, i also considered the Hyperion Ice Field. But anyway, in the wallpaper they're on an actual date, so it's not a daydream or anything.

The story behind it is after the events of Devil's Hands Leela allows Fry to take her on one date, on a kind of trial basis. If things go well she'll consider a relationship. So after scrambling to come up with something really impressive Fry puts together a romantic dinner in the Venusian garden. As you can see in the wallpaper, things are going well.   love
Spacedal11

Space Pope
****
« Reply #190 on: 07-18-2005 22:42 »
« Last Edit on: 07-20-2005 00:00 »

I don't even know why I said it so I'm just gonna pretend I didn't.
Shippy Mandy

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #191 on: 07-20-2005 19:38 »

I'm back from England! Whee!

Very nice. The bit with the checkers was hilarious. (I'll have to draw that at some point.)

Leela listing Fry as her next-of-kin: Awww. That made me happy inside.

By the way, on the flight back home, I doodled the scene where Fry finds out that Bender stole Leela's tampons. It's a really bad doodle (then again, it's not intended to be good).
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #192 on: 07-20-2005 23:10 »
« Last Edit on: 07-20-2005 23:10 »

Post it! Venus has spoken! All story inspired art is welcome! Unless it's anime style, cause i hate anime.
Kif White

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #193 on: 07-22-2005 19:13 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by Venus:
http://img307.imageshack.us/img307/259/datewallpaperjpg27wo.jpg

I made a new wallpaper on photoshop. I'm thinking i should maybe send it to TLZ.

I'd be more than happy to put it up at FM:TLZ this afternoon if you like, Venus?  smile
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #194 on: 07-22-2005 19:47 »

Sure! Go ahead!
Layla50

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #195 on: 07-23-2005 19:47 »

Ooh, shippylicious wallpaper, Venus! It's isn't at all fair you can do art too, I'll have you know!  smile
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #196 on: 07-23-2005 23:32 »

I can't do art, i cheated. I loaded various framegrabs into photoshop and traced different parts of them. Then i recolored. It's slight technological know-how not artistic talent.
JBERGES

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #197 on: 07-24-2005 01:29 »
« Last Edit on: 07-24-2005 01:29 »

EDIT:

Well, I just completely mixed up your thread with DrT's thread.  Completely understandable, right?  I blame fatigue.  As a futile saving grace for this post, I must agree that the pic came out nicely.  Looking forward to the next update!   
Shiny

Professor
*
« Reply #198 on: 07-24-2005 01:35 »
« Last Edit on: 07-24-2005 01:35 »

Sense of color, balance, and picture composition IS a part of artistic talent.  I speak as someone who spent long, hard decades learning to draw - the hand-eye coordination that produces "realism" in drawing (what most people consider to be "artistic talent" ) is a motor skill; learning to put lines on paper so as to resemble an object is as easily learned as typing on a keyboard or driving stick-shift. 

True artistic talent is learning when and where to use the lines for an aesthetic or emotional effect.  Photoshop, like photography (which was also not considered "real art" at first), is as legitimate a medium for producing works of art as drawing, painting, scupture or architecture.

Don't underestimate yourself.  You're an artist no matter how you produce your artwork, because the quality of your work displays real artistic sensibilities.    smile
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #199 on: 07-24-2005 01:50 »

oh crap, i can't type or drive stick shift!

You can't really give me any credit for the coloring, i sampled the colors straight from the framegrabs, also i did nothing to the background. It's not traced or recolored or anything it's a re-crop of the actual framegrab. The only thing in the image i freehanded was the jacket on Leela.
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