Hey all, BIG RED here. I finally summed up the courage (mostly from some good 'ol Alcohol) to do a fan fiction story. I'm posting part one tonight. I dunno when I'll get around to do The rest of it, seeing as I'm making this up as I go. Please be gentle
The following fan fic is a spoof of the film "Where Eagles Dare."
TITLE: WHERE IDIOTS DARE
CAPTION: "If you can read this, you've wasted your life."
BILLBOARD CARTOON: Wile E. Coyote falling off a cliff.
(In lab at PlanEx, the Professor is making some last minute adjustments to the What If Machine-Actually adjusting isn't the word, he's just whacking the damm thing with a lead pipe. The other employees are gathered around waiting impatiently for him to be done.)
FARNSWORTH: There! I finally fixed the Waht if Machine after Bender overloaded the thing with one of his "What if I killed all Humans" rant last week. (Turns to the crew) Remind me to never let that alcoholic mechanical moron near this thing again!!!
LEELA: Got it professor! (Crosses her fingers behind her back)
AMY: Speaking of which, where is Bender? He's usually her robbing me about now!
FRY(Nonchalantly): Oh he's not coming in today.
LEELA(Sarcastically): What, is he sick again?
FRY: No, he just got sick of looking at you all and took the day off. I tried getting him up, but he threatened to re-arrange my intestinal tract. Also, he said for me to tell you that you can all bite his shiny metal ass.
(The crew all look at Fry angrily)
FRY: Hey, Don't shoot the messenger!!!
FARNSWORTH: Enough blabbering1 I need one of you idiots to axe a question in order to calibrate the machine's mechanism. (jerks his thumb to the W.I.M.)
ZOIDBERG: How 'bout me, Zoidberg!
LEELA: Hell no! (Zoidberg runs off bawling towards the dumpster)
FARNSWORTH: Anybody else?
FRY/AMY(Together): I will!!!
FRY: Ok...Rock Scissors Paper!
(Fry and Amy do a few round of RPS. After a few seconds, Fry wins)
FRY: Yessss!!!
AMY: No fair!
FRY: Hey, what can I say, I'm the Rock Paper Scissors champion baby!!! (Snickers and turns to the Professor)
FARNSWORTH: Ok Fry, you orange haired imbecile! Answer a question already! I'm not getting any younger confound you!
FRY: Ok...Ok Fine...Uhhh....When I was a kid, I used to watch a lot of war films with my dad when he was sober, and one of My favorites was "Where Eagles Dare" with Richard Burton and Clint Eastwood.
AMY: Richard who?
LEELA(With confused look in her eye): Clint Who?
FRY: Never mind...Anyway, I alway wondered what it would be like if I were in that film.
LEELA: Seeing as this film is from your time, It'll probably be boring as hell. If you'll excuse me, I think I'll go for a walk.
AMY: C'mon Leela! Stay and watch! (Looks over at Fry who's urging her on) Pleeese!!!
LEELA(Sighing): Oh alright fine! Let's see this great movie of yours.
FARNSWORTH: Finally! You stopped talking! Well, lets get this pathetic show on the road dammit! (He turns to the W.I.M, and taps out Fry's question using an old 19th century telegraph.)
***
(The PE crew, minus Bender, Zoidberg, and Hermes leans in closer. We see an image of an old WWII style briefing room somewhere in Great Britain. A sign on the door says: TOP SECRET MEETING IN PROGRESS: DO NOT DISTURB. Inside Fry, Scruffy, and several other soldiers sit in a semi-circle in front of a large map of the Bavarian Alps with recon photos of an old castle pegged on it. Up front Professor Wernstrom in a British Colonel's uniform directs everyone attention to a point on the map)
WERNSTROM(as Col. Turner): Our man was brought down at 2am this morning...or somwhere in between...anyway it dosen't matter. What matters is that we...I mean you must get him out before the Nazis make him spill the beans about the second front.
FRY(as Major Smith): Second Front?
WERNSTROM(Sighing): The invasion of Europe Major.
FRY: Oh...That second front! Oh ok, gotcha!
WERNSTROM(Thinking): I cannot believe they made this imbecile a Major in the SOE (Special Operations Executive).
FRY(In British accent): Who is the "Man" your talking about Colonel?
WERNSTROM: He is none other than General George Carnaby, One of Eisenhower's overall co-ordinators for D-DAY. (hands Fry a picture showing Yancy Fry Sr. in a US army genarals uniform, much like General Patton's except no pearl handled revolvers.) And for god's sake Major lose the accent. You're not good at it!
FRY(Reverting back to his normal voice): Sorry sir.
WERNSTROM: Do you have anything else to add Admiral? (Camera pans to Farnsworth who is dressed in a Royal Navy admirals uniform. He is slumped in a chair sleeping.)
WERNSTROM: Admiral?
(Farnsworth continues to snore loudly)
WERNSTROM: ADMIRAL!!!
FARNSWORTH(Coming instantly awake): Uhh...Wha? Oh..Oh right.(shuffles over to the map and indicates a spot with the finglonger)
FARNSWORTH: According to our man on the inside, General Carnaby is being held here, at the Schloss Adler. Roughly translated, it means The Castle Of The Eagles, and you can take my word for it Gentlemen that its very well named, for only an eagle...or some other winged mammal can reach it. Anywho, Your job is to infiltrate the castle, rescue the General before he sqeals, and exfiltrate via a nearby airfield. I expect you all to accomplish your mission as soon as possible, and return safely. (Coughs) DEAD MEN!!!
SCRUFFY(As Lieutenant Schaffer): Scruffy thinks this is a suicide mission. Scruffy has a bad feeling about this.
FRY: You've always had bad feelings Lieutenant. Ever since you came over on the damm boat.
SCRUFFY: Scruffy's feelings are hurt...Bad.
WERNSTROM(Ignoring Scruffy's remark): Very well gentlemen. Report to the airfield at 10'o clock tonight. Any other questions?
(Everyone is silent)
WERNSTROM: Very well than, DISSMISSED!
FARNSWORTH: So long! (He waves)
(Fry, Scruffy, and the others leave until Farnsworth and Wernstrom are left.)
WERNSTROM: You think they have a chance?
FARNSWORTH: Oh my no...
TO BE CONTINUED...
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