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Author Topic: My first Fanfic, hope you like it.  (Read 972 times)
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Delivery Boy
« Reply #40 on: 05-04-2005 13:36 »

Originally posted by NIC2001:
edit: Hey Jacoby! I just purchase a book on the net (Amazon) to help me out with my fanfic writing. (It will take 7 days before it arrive thou.) So I will be able to correct most of my mistakes myself. Thank you again for your offer.
OK, cool.  Good luck.

Waiting for next part.

« Reply #41 on: 05-05-2005 13:19 »

Hurry up Nic2001 im eager for the next part!!! P.S.Dont rush though I want the next part to be flawless!!1  sleep

Starship Captain
« Reply #42 on: 05-05-2005 15:12 »
« Last Edit on: 05-07-2005 00:00 »

Hello to all of you.   smile

Thanks a lot for your help Jacoby. I am now trying to correct most of the mistakes I did in my fic. The damn book won't get here until early next week. So now I am trying to finish part 6 but I have to rewrite a big part of it. (Did not like the pacing of it.)
I also had to cut a part about one new character I invented. I don't think he will be in this fic now. I just don't see where I can fit him in the story. Maybe I will write a small fic about him or maybe I will do a Part 0.5 and try to fit him in the story. I will think about it.

Hey Neavers, don’t worries I won’t rush the thing. It should be ready maybe this weekend or later next week. (If I find the time to do it)

Welcome back Jubei. Good luck with your next fic. You may want to check out my other Fanfic topic to read the Part 0 of this story.

And now I have to go back to work. Thanks again for all of your support guys.    smile

Bye for now.

Edit: News update, Part 6 is finish (on paper) I will try to write it down here today (May 7th) or tomorow. See you all soon.

Starship Captain
« Reply #43 on: 05-08-2005 14:38 »
« Last Edit on: 06-04-2005 00:00 »

Well here we go.     smile

Sorry for the double posting but I did not get any reply since last time so...     frown

This is part 6 of my fic. This part was really hard for me to write. Why? Well 1- I really tried to correct most of my mistake in it and I am sure that there are still some mistake left in it. 2- I had to rewrite a huge part of it because I took out a new character that I created. This was sad because this character was supposed to help our heroes in their quest. (For a short time only) but I decided to remove him to keep the action going. He will maybe do a small cameo in the next part or I will maybe recycle him in another fic some day.

Part VI

Death, what is death? Some peoples say that death is the end. On the other hand, some say that death is a new beginning. What is death?

Jan 16 3004 / Planet Express Ship / Racing thru the Lazuli Nebula / Captain Bedroom.

Dead Leela was not. Lying on her bed, she could feel every part of her body. Once, her anatomy teacher at the Orphanarium told her that like humans, she had 3 small bones in her ears. He was right, she could feel them, like all of her bones in her body. Unable to move and in incredible pain, she was still able to hear what was going on beside her. She was able to hear small bits of a fast discussion taking place beside her. She painfully opened her eye. The light in the room was so strong, she could not see a lot but she saw Fry running in the room carrying medical supply. She could not see were the other voice was coming from. That voice… It seam so familiar to her… Like a memory from an old dream or something. She was fighting to stay awake but she lost the fight and feel back in the world of dreams. In that world, the pain was no more.

- (Fry out of breath) – Here you go! That’s all I could find that looks like medical stuff. How is she? Will she be okay?

- (Lord Nibbler) – Yes she will. Luckily she did not sustain too many injuries. She has a few busted ribs and her right arm is broken too. She also has a contusion and her body is covered by cuts and bruises. She was lucky, her mutant body is really stronger than a normal human one. The Prophesy was right, she is really your protector “chosen one”…

Fry was not listening to Nibbler anymore. He saw Leela’s eye open and close. He was now on his knees beside the bed, holding her hand.

- (Fry) – Did you hear that Leela? You’ll be fine. Just hang in there darling. Please hang in there. Don’t let go… Come back to me…

Fry has tears in his eyes again. He carefully took Leela in his arms and buries is face in her hair. He starts to cry again. He collapses from exhaustion after a few minutes.

- (Lord Nibbler) – The elders were right, if the “other” is lost, the “one” would be useless. I have to report the situation before we arrive. All hopes are not lost “mighty one”. She’ll be okay once we reach Ethernium. If we were able to protect you during those 1000 years, we’ll be able to save her life.

Nibbler puts a blanket on Fry and left the room.


- (Deep Voice) – Phase one of our plan was a failure!

- (Deeper Voice) – I told you not to use those primitives life form.

- (Deep Voice) –What would you have done then? We’re stuck here because of him. All we can do from here is manipulating inferior life form to do our duty on the other side. And may I remind you that it was your plan in the first place that failed. The “fable one” was able to evade your little mind trick. Is “superior mind” his not to be underestimate. Now what is the status of our little device?

- (Deeper Voice) – The Quantum inverter is almost complete.

- (Deep Voice) – Good! Soon, very soon we’ll finish what we started two Earth years ago. And this time, you will not be able to trick us Mr. Philip J. Fry.

Later that day

- (Lord Nibbler) – Like I said, she’s alive but she needs medical care soon or…

- (Female Nibblonian voice) – Don’t you worry Lord Nibbler, once you arrive with them, we’ll take good care of her.

- (Male Nibblonian voice) – We know how much you are fond of her. Your affection for those two humans is noble and respected by all of the council. How is the “one” doing?

- (L N) – He is… Fine, he’s taking care of her right now.

Fry’s sitting in a chair beside Leela’s bed. He’s holding her left hand.

- (Fry) - …And he said that he would answer all my questions later. I have so many questions to ask him. Like what are those thing I see in my head and why did he not talk to us before. Also, why did he…

Leela’s moving a little in her sleep. Her eye open a little but close right after. She did squeeze Fry’s hand during a few seconds.

- (Fry) – That it Leela! Fight! You can do it! You survived worse than that before. I remember when you woke up from the coma that the bee sting causes you. All the doctors told us to prepare for the worst. I staid by your side all the time refusing to listen to them and you did wake up. You told me that you heard me in your dreams. So I’ll keep talking to you until you wake up again.

Leela’s hand became warm. Some colors were returning on the Cyclops’s face. Fry smile at her and give her a small kiss on her forehead. He realizes that Nibbler had not return for a while now. He gave a small kiss on Leela’s hand before putting it under the blankets.

- (Fry) – I’ll go see if everything is okay with Nibbler and I’ll check if the autopilot is still on course. I’ll be back really soon. Just rest Leela.

He leaves the room to seek Nibbler. He finds him on the Bridge couch. He’s staring into space.

- (Fry) – Yo! Nibbler! What are you looking at?

- (Lord Nibbler) – My home planet, you’ll be able to see it soon. Your eyes can not see its beauty from this distance.

Fry sits beside him and he attempt to see where the planet would pop out of the infinite star field that is in front of them. After a few minutes, he sees a small pink dot getting bigger and bigger.

- (Fry) – Whoa! Is that your home planet? Wait a minute, I saw that planet before! Nibbler, why do I have the feeling that I’ve being there before?   

- (Lord Nibbler) – Patience Fry. You’ll have all of your answers soon. Now you’ll have to land the ship. I’ll guide you to the landing pad.

- (Fry) – What about Leela?

- (L N) – Once we land, we’ll take her to the healer and she’ll be fine. Now just concentrate on landing the ship safely.

Fry was still confused about all this. Everything was happening way too fast for him. But he decided to do what Nibbler said. Something in is mind told him to trust that little fur ball. He sits on the captain seat and switches the ship back on manual controls.

- (Fry) – Whoa! This thing is shaking like my old Chevy Nova. That’s not a good sign.

- (Lord Nibbler) – Here! This is the approach vectors you must follow. It will take us to the main temple. I trust you Fry. You can do this. If you need me, I’ll be with Leela.

Nibbler left the bridge. Fry was alone.

- (Fry to him self) – Okay this is it. I must do it. No! I “will” do it. I won’t fail this time. I won’t fail Leela again…

He takes a deep breath and begins the landing procedure. The controls were shaking a lot. Surly the ship has more damage that they first thought. Fry sees two red lights flashing on the ship status console. He tries to see what is wrong but he can’t let go the Turnmaster Steering wheel. He manages to hold it with his foot while he takes a look at the monitor. He notices that the vertical thrusters are not functioning properly.

- (Fry worried) – This is not good. How will I land without the vertical thrusters?

He feels the ship falling under him. He jumps back in the captain seat and tries to pull up.

- (Fry to himself) – I have to land safely or Leela won’t make it.   

From the captain position, Fry stares at the incoming ground. He knows that he need to do something fast or the ship will crash. He pulls hard on the stick and rise the ship nose up. He did a 180° rotation so now the ship was flying backward. He jams the main engine on full power to slow his decent. That move was tricky and deadly. The blast of fire coming from the engines was burning the ground around the landing pad. Fry cuts the overheating engines and push hard on the stick to lower the ship nose. He rapidly lowers the landing gears and the ship hit the melted pad softly.

- (Fry) – I did it? I did it! I did not crash. I… Oh crap, Leela!

He shuts the power down, opens the main hatch and runs back to the captain bedroom not seeing the three Nibblonians climbing in the ship thru the main hatch.

So was it good or...     hmpf
Part 7 will be up in maybe 2 weeks.
Bye for now.

Edit: I changed some words and also did a small rewrite, did some editing and corrected some spelling and grammar mistakes.


Starship Captain
« Reply #44 on: 05-08-2005 15:12 »

Dead Leela was not.
I'm pretty sure that should be Leela was not dead. I'm not sure though.

Nibbler keeps checking Leela’s condition during the night.
You put keeps instead of kept, the sentence should have said, Nibbler kept checking Leela's condition.

Also you used will not and did not, that's technically correct, but it would sound better if you use contractions. Like, in place of will not, you can use won't and instead of did not you can use didn't.

Other than that, great work. Everybody was in character and it was well written. Keep it up.

Delivery Boy
« Reply #45 on: 05-08-2005 19:04 »

Hey Nic that chapter buuku sweet and can't for part seven . when I get through with capter one which i like to call the home coming as I get sent to tlz give it a read and tell what you think ether by e-mail or by post. later day's

Starship Captain
« Reply #46 on: 05-13-2005 16:50 »

Hi guys.  smile 

Thanks a lot Philp_J_Fry I will correct those soon.

Thank you for your reply Jubei. I'll go check it out next week.

Now I must tell you all that I corrected most if not all the mistakes I did in part 1&2 of this fic. I also did some editing and a small rewrite on them. I think that they look better now. Also they will fit better with the rest of the story.

Go check them out. I'm now correcting part 3&4 and I am still writing part 7. I found a way to include my new character in it. It will be a short cameo but he will still be part of this adventure.  smile

So tell me, do they look better now? (Part 1&2)

See you all soon.

Bye for now.

Starship Captain
« Reply #47 on: 05-14-2005 12:11 »
« Last Edit on: 05-14-2005 12:11 »

Well, first of all, sorry for not posting earlier, I started reading your fic when I joined, four weeks ago.

 Critique: Your story is good, but you seem to change between writing in presens tense and past tense, which is a bit annoying. That, and that you spell "His" "is", are both grammatical / spelling issues, and can therefore be put down to your goverment dubbing everything; it´s not your fault, you just live in France.

Your fic is good, I will be following your updates. Keep it up.

« Reply #48 on: 05-15-2005 06:21 »

Sorry I havent posted here in a while but my computers was broken. Anyway love the story so far and I cant wait for the next part.

Starship Captain
« Reply #49 on: 05-16-2005 12:08 »
« Last Edit on: 05-16-2005 12:08 »

Hey guys, I'm still working on part 7. (Many mysteries will be divulge in that part)

It should be ready next week or maybe later. (So many things to do...)    frown

Originally posted by *I*:
*Your story is good, but you seem to change between writing in presents tense and past tense, which is a bit annoying. That, and that you spell "His" "is", are both grammatical / spelling issues, and can therefore be put down to your government dubbing everything; it’s not your fault, you just live in France.

Hi "I"! I'm glad that you like my fic. Yes I know that I did a few mistakes in it. I'm correcting them now. I did correct Part 1&2 and I think I got it right now. They were hard to write (Part 1&2) but my latest parts are easier to write now.

FRANCE!!!! Why do you think I'm from France? Oh yeah I know. Parce que je parle français. Non mais!!! Tu n'as pas honte de me confondre avec un Français de France.  tongue  I'm a French Canadian! Not French. There is a big difference. Yes I Speak French but I'm not from France. Sorry about that but I had to get this out of my system. I'm not angry about you "I" but I just can stand it when people say that we are like the French. I have nothing against France and its peoples but we are not the same. Ex.: No one would say that an American, a British and an Australian are the same because they speak English…    tongue

Anyway now it’s not the time for this and I must calm myself. (Looking at my French coworker from France and showing my screen to him. Now we look stupid. We are laughing together in the corner of the office.    laff ) Btw “I” you can always check back at part 1&2 of my fic. You will see that I change it a bit and I corrected most of the mistakes I did. You can also check out my other Fanfic topic (Link is in one of my previous post) to read a cut out part of this story. (Part 0)

Hey Neavers! It’s nice to see you again. I hope you liked that part. I am still writing part 7 but I can tell you now that there will be a lot of Nibbler action in it.     wink

Bye for now. (Got to go back to work.) 


Starship Captain
« Reply #50 on: 05-29-2005 12:30 »

Hi guys!   smile

I’m just dropping by to tell you all that I’m still working on part 7 of my fic.
Also, I’m almost done with the correction of my previous parts. So far, part 1 to 4 are corrected (most of it anyway) and I’m actually correcting part 5 right now.

Hey “I” Sorry about what I said last time. I had a rough day and maybe I was a bit aggressive in my response but I have nothing against you. I surely hope that I did not scare you away. And if I did hurt you, I’m sorry!  frown

Now, part 7 should be up maybe next weekend or next week. (If I find the time to finish it.)   hmpf

Now I must go back to correcting my fic.

Bye for now.

Delivery Boy
« Reply #51 on: 06-16-2005 21:54 »

Heck of a lot better than mine at TLZ.

Starship Captain
« Reply #52 on: 06-17-2005 10:51 »

Thanks a lot Doomtousall!

It’s been a wile since I got reply about my fic!
I’m glad you liked it. I’m still working on it.
Part 7 should be up in the next 2 weeks. (I’ll try my best to post it before July.)

Once this is over (I’m aiming it to end at part 10) Maybe I’ll send it to TLZ.

Bye for now.

Bending Unit
« Reply #53 on: 06-19-2005 23:05 »

Hey Nic! Better late then never, right? Er, I'm sorry, I'm really, very very late about this. I find it difficult to divide my time up between reviewing and writing my own fic.

I'm really enjoying this story and I think it's picking up steam as it goes along. Remember how you used yellow to show me parts where my french writing wasn't technically wrong, but just could be written better/more naturally? That's a big issue in your writing.

Of course, kudos to you for being brave enough to post a fic in a second language. I can't imagine ever writing a fic in french. You're doing it quite sucessfully too, I might add!

I'm not going to go into language during this review, but I would suggest that you have a native english speaker thoroughly beta it for you before you submit it to TLZ. (which you should do, by all means)
Language can put people off from getting into a story, even a good one.

Part 1:
I like the title!

Nice spooky introduction, and in general I'm really interested in Fry's nightmares. I'm curious to see where these dreams are coming from. Are they a a hitherto unknown affect of his abnormal brain structure, or is someone mysterious sending them to him. You shouldn't answer me, I'm just typing out what I've been thinking.

The Fry/Leela relationship: Maybe it's just because I haven't seen The Devil's Hands are Idle Playthings in a while, but the mutual love seemed to come a bit too quickly. At the same time, I really loved the fake-out, when Fry thought Leela had walked out on him. The imagery as he bows in front of the empty room is magical. Totally awesome.

Still, shippiness is a dangerous game, too much and it can get very unnatural, almost forced. That's just my opinion though, and I know you wanted to establish their romantic relationship before getting into the story. I just think it needed more of a slow burn, but that may just be my writing personality too. You need to go with what works for you.

Fry's reaction after winning over Leela is quite cute and I like the note about many dates, sucessful and not so sucessful.

Okay, maybe a quick language note: Leela says: Spécial du chef, but French is apparently a dead language in the year 3000, so it really should be "Chef's special". Hmm... that's pretty nitpicky. Sorry, ignore me.

I liked Elzar! Bender was pretty good, but lacked a bit of a spark, that I blame on language.

Oh, and one more nitpicky thing, last one, I swear. This line:
Later that night, at Leela’s apartment, they did ‘it’ for the first time.
Is extremely awkward and unromantic. If you feel you need something like it, might I suggest the terms "made love" instead. It's more romantic, and a lot more adult. It's up to you however.

Part Two:
I like the notion of Fry and Leela teasing eachother, and I'd like to see more of it.
I think it's fine that you had Fry and Leela move in together, but Bender is a bit out of character in that scene. It doesn't make a lot of sense that Fry could just force Bender to accept Leela moving in. Might I suggest bribery?

- (B) - What! That little Rat! There’s no way… (Fry slap him behind the head) …you’re moving in without him.
Funny line, I like it a lot! But if Fry did something difference to convince him, it would work better.

Blackmail is a good idea, and I see you used it. Great!

I thought it was hilarious that Fry knew Leela was having a flashback... well, she was staring off into space anyway.

The evil voices are interesting. They have a certain Darth Vader-ish atmosphere.

I like Leela's role as Fry's protector.

Bender's run in with the mafia is funny, and I like Fry's defending him to Leela. (Remember that Leela does actually like Bender)

Waking nightmares: Cool! Nice use of suspense! Nibbler's quite interesting through here too. I think you write him well, something I continue to struggle with.

I enjoyed Fry's commentary on their suicidal deliveries.

Nice Hermes/Zoidberg interaction. It's always fun to play up the hostility between those two.

One of my favorite, favorite, favorite bits of technology is in this chapter! The holographic Professor! So very funny!  laff You can play it up even more I think. Great explanation for it as well.

Also, the dark planet of doom is quite funny, I can picture the Professor saying it.

You do a good job at weaving the flashbacks into current events and the timing is very good as well.

Usually I would warn against having another character call Fry, 'Philip' but you balanced it out by having Fry be very surprised. So, I like it! There's a lot of striking imagery in your descriptions. Lovely.

I like Fry waking up to angel Leela.

Nice mention of canon, with only the Professor and Cubert able to fix the main drive. Clever!

I thought the explanation for why their deliveries are so dangerous was really interesting, and actually, it makes a lot of sense!

Your Fry/Leela interaction really improves from this chapter on, great!

Your action scenes are well described and easy to imagine. they are, as you mentioned, quite dark. But that's all a matter of personal choice. I like the drama!

Part V:

You continue to write the Nibblonians really well and I was really draw into the story at this point.

Very dark action, but very vivid as well and well expressed.

I liked Fry's shock as Nibbler spoke, good continuity.

Part 6:

Interesting part about death, and for the record, "Dead, Leela was not" is acceptable grammatically with the comma. It's quite stylistic, but I like that.

The whole paragraph is well written, aside from some language issues, and is quite well done. I really liked it! Especially Leela's half recognizing Nibbler's voice.

Is <Deep Voice> and <Deeper Voice> meant to be funny? 'Cause it really is. I quite like it, and I don't think you should change it, but I thought I'd point that out.

Nice reference to Nibbler's affection for Fry and Leela. Nice to know they aren't just a job to him. His admiration for his planet is a great touch as well.

Fry's resourcefulness during the landing is quite impressive. It would be a bit out of character I think, except again you compensate for that by having Fry be surprised he actually managed to do it. Also, he had to do it for Leela. Romantic, if not practical.

So those were my general impressions of your fic so far. I hope they were helpful. Know that I did really enjoy it and I look forward to the next chapter!

Bien fait!


Starship Captain
« Reply #54 on: 06-20-2005 14:07 »
« Last Edit on: 06-20-2005 14:07 »

Wow!!!    eek 

Thanks a lot Layla! What can I say…? Wow!!!

That was a really nice review. I’m glad that you like my fic so far.    smile

Yes I know that I have some language mistakes in it. I’m trying really hard to correct them. I think that I’m getting better but maybe I’m not. Still you were able to understand it and like it so I think that what I did so far was successful.   

By the way Layla, about that “Spécial du chef” thing, in the shows, once in a while they will say something in French. I consider French in Futurama to be like Latin today. It’s no really a dead language but it’s not wildly use in the world. Latin is use by only a few groups of peoples in the world and we still use some expressions and small words in our every day life. So considering this, let say that French in the Futurama universe is like Latin today. We can say that maybe only a few people still use it but some words and expressions are still included in our beloved characters vocabulary. Also some of the alien text in the show is in fact French! Best example: In X-mas story, when Fry is walking around with the parrot he passes by a small sign on the wall in alien text. If we translate it, it says “Joyeux Noex”. So since Christmas is X-mas in the future: Noël is Noex. I think that the x at the end of it was just a joke to fit the X-mas thing. (Like when they say “aks or axe” instead of “ask”)

Thanks again for the review Layla. I’ll try to keep improving myself.

(I have something to ask you, I’ll send you an Email later today)

Bye for now.

Merci encore pour ton aide et tes encouragements Layla. Tu as contribué à me faire sortir de ma coquille et je t’en remercie.     smile




Delivery Boy
« Reply #55 on: 06-20-2005 17:29 »

Greattings Nic your fic I thought was very interesting can't wait for part seven and sorry if I haven't replyed any I have been working on my sequel  and I think chapter one is comeing along rather nicely that and I AM still looking for some who would like to be my co author I thaought about youBU i figured that wouldn't be interested so iam as this friend that i have that works with me if want's to do it because he is the one edited part seven any ways that is why i was asking poepole if they whanted to help me wright it I never whanted them to wright it for me so if you consedr this let by posting in my theread. later day's

Starship Captain
« Reply #56 on: 07-01-2005 13:44 »

Bad news everyone!  frown

I said that I was going to post part 7 of my fic before July, but something bad happened and I won’t be able to post it until later this month.

Some smart ass technician decided to do some test on my office computer and somehow erased my hard drive. He said that he never did that mistake before. I lost everything, all my fanfics and all the stuff I accumulated over the years working here. (Over 8 years)  mad

I did an official complaint on this employee but I don’t think that it will change anything.

Luckily that moron did a backup of my hard drive before destroying it. I’ll receive it in a couple of weeks. (I don’t want to write it again so I’ll wait for it. Don’t have time to do it.)  Until then, I’ll be working on part 8.

So if you are reading this and are part of the few who are following my story, I’m not quitting until I’m done with it.   wink

Bye for now.

Liquid Emperor
« Reply #57 on: 06-24-2006 16:21 »

Your Fanfic...ROCKS. I love any fanfic that has Fry and Leela in love, but this is by far the best, keep it up.

Starship Captain
« Reply #58 on: 06-25-2006 01:18 »


Why? Why did you dig this up? I'm glad that you liked it btw. But I'm not planing to write more soon. In fact, I'll have to rewrite the whole thing if I ever do write more stuff. (And since Futurama will have new movies/episodes soon, this fanfic no longer works in the time line. Anyway, if you want to read some good fanfics, go look at Layla, Venus, Jberges, Shiny's fanfic. They are way better than mine.
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