Hey Nic! Better late then never, right? Er, I'm sorry, I'm really, very very late about this. I find it difficult to divide my time up between reviewing and writing my own fic.
I'm really enjoying this story and I think it's picking up steam as it goes along. Remember how you used yellow to show me parts where my french writing wasn't technically wrong, but just could be written better/more naturally? That's a big issue in your writing.
Of course, kudos to you for being brave enough to post a fic in a second language. I can't imagine ever writing a fic in french. You're doing it quite sucessfully too, I might add!
I'm not going to go into language during this review, but I would suggest that you have a native english speaker thoroughly beta it for you before you submit it to TLZ. (which you should do, by all means)
Language can put people off from getting into a story, even a good one.
I like the title!
Nice spooky introduction, and in general I'm really interested in Fry's nightmares. I'm curious to see where these dreams are coming from. Are they a a hitherto unknown affect of his abnormal brain structure, or is someone mysterious sending them to him. You shouldn't answer me, I'm just typing out what I've been thinking.
The Fry/Leela relationship: Maybe it's just because I haven't seen The Devil's Hands are Idle Playthings in a while, but the mutual love seemed to come a bit too quickly. At the same time, I really loved the fake-out, when Fry thought Leela had walked out on him. The imagery as he bows in front of the empty room is magical. Totally awesome.
Still, shippiness is a dangerous game, too much and it can get very unnatural, almost forced. That's just my opinion though, and I know you wanted to establish their romantic relationship before getting into the story. I just think it needed more of a slow burn, but that may just be my writing personality too. You need to go with what works for you.
Fry's reaction after winning over Leela is quite cute and I like the note about many dates, sucessful and not so sucessful.
Okay, maybe a quick language note: Leela says: Spécial du chef, but French is apparently a dead language in the year 3000, so it really should be "Chef's special". Hmm... that's pretty nitpicky. Sorry, ignore me.
I liked Elzar! Bender was pretty good, but lacked a bit of a spark, that I blame on language.
Oh, and one more nitpicky thing, last one, I swear. This line:
Later that night, at Leela’s apartment, they did ‘it’ for the first time.
Is extremely awkward and unromantic. If you feel you need something like it, might I suggest the terms "made love" instead. It's more romantic, and a lot more adult. It's up to you however.
I like the notion of Fry and Leela teasing eachother, and I'd like to see more of it.
I think it's fine that you had Fry and Leela move in together, but Bender is a bit out of character in that scene. It doesn't make a lot of sense that Fry could just force Bender to accept Leela moving in. Might I suggest bribery?
- (B) - What! That little Rat! There’s no way… (Fry slap him behind the head) …you’re moving in without him.
Funny line, I like it a lot! But if Fry did something difference to convince him, it would work better.
Blackmail is a good idea, and I see you used it. Great!
I thought it was hilarious that Fry knew Leela was having a flashback... well, she was staring off into space anyway.
The evil voices are interesting. They have a certain Darth Vader-ish atmosphere.
I like Leela's role as Fry's protector.
Bender's run in with the mafia is funny, and I like Fry's defending him to Leela. (Remember that Leela does actually like Bender)
Waking nightmares: Cool! Nice use of suspense! Nibbler's quite interesting through here too. I think you write him well, something I continue to struggle with.
I enjoyed Fry's commentary on their suicidal deliveries.
Nice Hermes/Zoidberg interaction. It's always fun to play up the hostility between those two.
One of my favorite, favorite, favorite bits of technology is in this chapter! The holographic Professor! So very funny!
You can play it up even more I think. Great explanation for it as well.
Also, the dark planet of doom is quite funny, I can picture the Professor saying it.
You do a good job at weaving the flashbacks into current events and the timing is very good as well.
Usually I would warn against having another character call Fry, 'Philip' but you balanced it out by having Fry be very surprised. So, I like it! There's a lot of striking imagery in your descriptions. Lovely.
I like Fry waking up to angel Leela.
Nice mention of canon, with only the Professor and Cubert able to fix the main drive. Clever!
I thought the explanation for why their deliveries are so dangerous was really interesting, and actually, it makes a lot of sense!
Your Fry/Leela interaction really improves from this chapter on, great!
Your action scenes are well described and easy to imagine. they are, as you mentioned, quite dark. But that's all a matter of personal choice. I like the drama!
You continue to write the Nibblonians really well and I was really draw into the story at this point.
Very dark action, but very vivid as well and well expressed.
I liked Fry's shock as Nibbler spoke, good continuity.
Interesting part about death, and for the record, "Dead, Leela was not" is acceptable grammatically with the comma. It's quite stylistic, but I like that.
The whole paragraph is well written, aside from some language issues, and is quite well done. I really liked it! Especially Leela's half recognizing Nibbler's voice.
Is <Deep Voice> and <Deeper Voice> meant to be funny? 'Cause it really is. I quite like it, and I don't think you should change it, but I thought I'd point that out.
Nice reference to Nibbler's affection for Fry and Leela. Nice to know they aren't just a job to him. His admiration for his planet is a great touch as well.
Fry's resourcefulness during the landing is quite impressive. It would be a bit out of character I think, except again you compensate for that by having Fry be surprised he actually managed to do it. Also, he had to do it for Leela. Romantic, if not practical.
So those were my general impressions of your fic so far. I hope they were helpful. Know that I did really enjoy it and I look forward to the next chapter!