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Author Topic: The Social Order: a FanFic  (Read 476 times)
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DrThunder88

DOOP Secretary
*
« on: 02-02-2005 01:13 »

The sequel to my unsuccessful "Curse of the One-Eyed Jacks," "The Social Order" takes place a year or two after its predecessor, probably after the end of the series ("Curse" was written early in season 3 and missed a lot of the crucial plot points of the next three years).  Anyway, I've cut it into chapter to help break up the monotony of the 70+ page script.

Be forewarned, it is script format, and it's not shippy.  Also, it's not the kind of thing I ask people to rpoofread, so please call me out on any mistakes.

Chapter1
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #1 on: 02-02-2005 08:22 »

Stamp of approval from Venus:


  big grin
SlackJawedMoron

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #2 on: 02-02-2005 08:24 »
« Last Edit on: 02-02-2005 08:24 »

 
Quote
rpoofread,

...that was intentional, wasn't it?

Lookin' pretty good. I love the Hitler/Nixon poster thing.
Tongue Luck

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #3 on: 02-02-2005 11:01 »
« Last Edit on: 02-02-2005 11:01 »

Asskissery:
   
Quote
space cholera
Ha! Awesome! I love it when "space" gets arbitrarily tacked onto an existing thing.
   
Quote
ATTORNEY GENERAL DORNAU
There is a difference. Reservations were where unwanted natives were swept under the rug.

REPORTER
I'm sorry, how is that different?

ATTORNEY GENERAL DORNAU
Unwanted foreigners are being swept into PCIPSEs.
Loved it. Though I suppose it'd only pertain to half of the people being affected by the act (or do mutants count as foreigners?)... Nonetheless, very funny.
   
Quote
LEELA
No, I mean the other "this," the "this" that doesn't involve you.

BENDER
I've often said there are two kinds of "this" in the world. The Bender-"this" and the "who gives a crap" version of "this."

LEELA
Well, this "this" has to be stopped.
That "this" got one of those wacky out-loud laughs from me.
   
Quote
FRY
Then why don't you pretend to be an alien?
As did that. Heh heh... Fry's dumb.
   
Quote
What an amazing coincidence!
Great. I love amazing coincidences. Especially ones that deflate someone mid-tirade. Although we're moving onto the next mission, I do hope we get a quick follow up gag concerning the aborted mission from the start of the script. When we least expect it!

Nitpickery:
   
Quote
FRY (CONT'D)
...is that this show really sucks. Change the channel, please
Missing period after please.

   
Quote
LEELA
Don't we have some sort of professional duty or obligation or something to help them?
It feels like, with a line like this, Leela would usually have more of that haughty conviction in what she's saying. Also, having "or something" right before "to help them" makes it read a little awkwardly. Like, I know what she means, but it seems like it would be a difficult line to sell, were the script actually being performed.
   
Quote
REPORTER
As you described them, PCIPSEs sound like Indian reservations of the America.
I'm wondering if "the America" is intentional. I can see how it could be, as it's the fuuuuuuture, and they phrase things about the past kind of weirdly. Still, thought I'd draw attention to it just in case. Also, is it wrong that I'm pronouncing PCIPSE like Pokipsy?

Overall, I'm enjoying it so far. I don't bother with these long praise/criticism replies for stories I don't like. Hmm... Would it be best to search around for that One-Eyed Jacks thing in order to fully understand this one? It makes enough sense so far, but, you know, sequel. Whatever. Looking forward to chapter 2, regardless.
DrThunder88

DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #4 on: 02-02-2005 23:10 »
« Last Edit on: 02-02-2005 23:10 »

Yeah, I should have mentioned, PCIPSE is pronounced like Poughkeepsie, NY.

All of the mistakes mentioned, including "rpoofread" have been errors on my part, although if that were intentional, it would still be pretty funny.

 http://scriptmania.i8.com/SocialOrder/SocialOrderChapter2.htm
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #5 on: 02-02-2005 23:47 »

Hey! I command you not to stop there! More! I'll cry. I mean it, i will. And then you would be the jerk that made a girl cry. And you don't want that now do you?
DrThunder88

DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #6 on: 02-03-2005 00:10 »

Pfft.  I scared the hell out of my four year old cousin with just my steely glare.
Tongue Luck

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #7 on: 02-03-2005 11:46 »

Man, I'm loving this. It's got, like, ideas. And jokes. And they balance each other out to form some crazy idea-joke hybrid.
 
Quote
FRY
Hey, everybody has their slumps. When my dad played football in high school, he went an entire season without a touchdown, then his coach told him to stop coming to practice drunk, and then he did score a touchdown. Then he got expelled for smoking pot in the bathroom.
Ha, I like those rambling Fry stories. Neat.
 
Quote
SHERRY ZORTHAK
(Surprised and disgusted)
Oh. You people are over there.
"You people". You can almost taste the contempt. Nice touch. I made an "ooh" noise low in my throat when I read that.
 
Quote
DWAYNE
(On his own megaphone)
Can we hear what they're saying?

MUTANT CROWD
(Shouting back)
No!
Hee! Rivals the Fry's dog protest, I'd say. And I can really picture Dwayne saying his line after that, and Vyolet saying her next one, so good on you for that.
 
Quote
LEELA
This limps bizkit.
Yes! Those things are great.
 
Quote
contained in the sewer like a crocodile and kicked around like a Frenchman.
Fwah! Take that, you damn frog eaters!
 
Quote
BENDER
Yeah, just because you've escaped the harsh and inhumane treatment that has plagued your ancestors without any work on your part and have been essentially living a lie for your entire life doesn't mean you can't show up every once in a while to show that you care about the plight of the people you abandoned years ago.
That's funny and thought-provoking. Hot.
 
Quote
tidal wave of near-humanity
Strikingly good phrasing.

Now for the griping...
 
Quote
SHERRY ZORTHAK
Well, I'm ot particularly proud of it, but I'm Zorthak the Terrible.
Assuming that "ot" is supposed to be "not".

 
Quote
BENDER
Hey, bite my shiney, scent-proof ass.
Should be spelled "shiny," with no e. I even popped in War is the H-Word to double check.

 
Quote
It is sardonically comical how racial biases permeate through even the lowest social stratum.
Could just be a pet peeve, but the phrase "permeate through" feels redundant. Simply "permeate even the lowest social stratum" would be sufficient.
 
Quote
LEELA
What do you mean. "especially me"?
The period after "mean" is a little iffy. Maybe it should be a comma?
 
Quote
RAOUL
You and the rest of us have had different life experiences, Leela.
Hmm... "You and the rest of us" might not adequately emphasize the different-ness of Leela's experiences and the same-ness of the rest of their experiences (like, compared to each other, I mean). Consider rephrasing to something like "You have had [some adjective... feels like it needs one with the new sentence structure] different life experiences from the rest of us, Leela" or something similar but not all clunky like my version. I think getting the "you" and the "the rest of us" further away from each other in the sentence would get his point across better.
 
Quote
whatever discrimination you may have faced living as a an alien,
Kill the "a" in "as a an alien," I think.

Blah blah update again soon blah blah please blah blah blah awesome blah blah ranch dressing blah translucent blah blah blah.
JBERGES

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #8 on: 02-03-2005 12:46 »
« Last Edit on: 02-03-2005 12:46 »

Alright; I now that I've caught up by reading both parts, I can say that I'm really enjoying this.  It's well written, and effortlessly holds it's own as a comedy.   

   
Quote
This limps bizkit
  I've tried for hours to come up with a good phrase like that to put in my scripts...  That trumps them all, kudos.

Also, everything Tongue quoted was great. Looking forward to more.
DrThunder88

DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #9 on: 02-04-2005 02:58 »

I'm frequently amazed at just how many spelling, grammar, sentence structure, and punctuation errors I make but never realize.  I'd blame the script-writing program's lack of a spellchecker, but it didn't force me to screw up.

Anyway, the next two move kind of fast and are a bit shorter (I think).
 http://scriptmania.i8.com/SocialOrder/SocialOrderChapter3.htm  http://scriptmania.i8.com/SocialOrder/SocialOrderChapter4.htm
Tongue Luck

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #10 on: 02-04-2005 11:30 »
« Last Edit on: 02-04-2005 11:30 »

Chapter 3
   
Quote
filthy aliens and even filthier mutants
Heh. I don't know why, but it really amuses me when PE employees say things that're blatantly prejudiced against mutants.
   
Quote
Riot experts from all over the world
Might not have even been intended as a joke, but I got a kick out of the idea of riot experts. What a cushy job!
   
Quote
A third looter runs off with Kermit the Frog who vainly yells for help.
Oh, god, that cracked me up! The "vainly yells for help" made it.
   
Quote
BENDER
Why couldn't they just stick mutants somewhere less disgusting...like the Moon?
Beautiful. Explosive laughter.

What is phrased awkward and not good and something else too and spelling:
   
Quote
The crowd of protestors have turned into a riot.
Well, the crowd itself wouldn't be the riot; it's just who's doing the rioting. The protest has turned into a riot.
   
Quote
the trees and landscaping is set ablaze
"Trees and landscaping" as a phrase is plural... Are set ablaze?
   
Quote
HERMES
You guys will never believe what's going on.
Not sure why, but I'm having trouble picturing Hermes saying that. Just doesn't feel like the way he'd phrase things.
   
Quote
Attorney General Dick Dornau held a press conference to announce the pasage of the MACCA.
Passage.
   
Quote
only half of the planet's 10 million mutants and aliens have registered for the voluntary research program in the PCIPSEs. How do you plan on moving one million aliens and three million mutants to the Moon?
Four isn't half of ten. Maybe it's just me, but when we're talking millions, that's some serious rounding. You could say "less than half" or something.

Chapter 4
   
Quote
I don't care how good you are at flinging certain substances
I'm mature enough to admit how immaturely I giggled at this.
   
Quote
Quick, everyone grab your flinging sticks.
And then even more when it came back.
   
Quote
MORRIS
Yeah, who would have thought Calculon's evil 2nd cousin is actually his father?
I heart Morris. That line gets a lot funnier when you're imagining it in his voice. Well-suited or something.
   
Quote
MORRIS
I'm not going to sit here while the humans fill it up with their crap. This is our home, damn it, not New Jersey.
Always glad to see the Jersey dissing tradition upheld. Never actually been there, but it somehow translates to an automatic laugh.

Mispelligns adn stuf:
   
Quote
RAOUL
Don't be so naieve.
Should be spelled naive (or naÔve if you're hoity-toity like that... bloody dots).
   
Quote
DWAYNE
Would you really rather us lose our lives than be relocated?
I could be wrong on this one, but I think "us" should be replaced with "we". Subject word rather than object word...
   
Quote
MUNDA
I just don't know, Leela. If I were a younger version of me, I might want to stick it to the man...
"If I were a younger version of me" feels like a somewhat unnatural thing to say. "If I were younger..." "In my younger days, I might've wanted to..." I don't know, this probably isn't worth changing. Just, you know, pointing out things that struck me.
   
Quote
running for the porcelin portal to the sub-sewer
I dig your word choice there, but it's spelled porcelain.
   
Quote
Bender blindly fumbles aound looking for them.
Around.

After chapter 4, the suspense is killing me! I hope you keep up this pace. I love waking up to these things.
TheLesbianLeela

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #11 on: 02-04-2005 12:31 »

This, sir, is one amazing piece of fan fiction. Really, the background idea, the gags, the fun, the dramatic moments, the references ... Great!
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #12 on: 02-04-2005 14:22 »

Awesome in ways i can't describe! The best stuff has already been mentioned but i am seriously loving this. I adore Leela's parents and you handle them well. And i'm sure whatever rescue mission Leela sets off will be great.
DrThunder88

DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #13 on: 02-06-2005 02:44 »

Once again, TL proves that my ability to check my own work is severely deficient (but I'm glad someone is looking out for the English language).  Venus, in all honesty, Leela's parents are my least favorite characters.  If I could have avoided them, I would have.  Still, I'm glad you liked them!
 http://scriptmania.i8.com/SocialOrder/SocialOrderChapter5.htm
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #14 on: 02-06-2005 03:15 »

You don't like Leela's parents??? I'm astounded! Astounded!

On a side note great (but short) chapter!
Tongue Luck

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #15 on: 02-06-2005 12:11 »
« Last Edit on: 02-06-2005 12:11 »

Wow, really? Well, for someone who hates Leela's parents, you write them well. Kudos.

Squealing groupie:
 
Quote
sub-mutanity.
I like that word.
 
Quote
Bender begins pumping his antenna, which hisses with every stroke. He then uses his fingers to light himself like a gas lamp. Soon, bright light floods from Bender's eyes and mouth.
I get perhaps too much enjoyment out of Bender's multi-purpose nature. I love you for putting it in there.
 
Quote
FRY
Hey, if anyone paddles Leela, it's going to be me.
Hooray! One of my favorite types of 'rama jokes. For that one, I can kind of picture Fry slipping into that noble-ish tone he gets sometimes, like at the start of Parasite Lost. Awesome.

Disgruntled editor:
 
Quote
After a few clicks, Leela's armbad projects a cone of white light past her hand.
Armbad?
 
Quote
All that is seen are white eyes on a black background.
...
Fry pulls Bender's eyes out from behind his back. Bender puts his eyes back in his head and looks around.
Leads me to wonder what the eye situation looks like at the beginning of the scene. Kind of a drawback of script form, I guess.
 
Quote
BENDER
So this is the sub-sewer, huh? Some how I pictured it a little less disgusting.
"Somehow" should be one word in this situation.
 
Quote
NOW-FULLY LIT
Weird hyphen use.

Looking forward to more, as always.
DrThunder88

DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #16 on: 02-08-2005 02:57 »

You know, I triple-checked Chapter 5.  I'm beginning to think it's all in vain.  Aside from the errors you find in the next two sections, there is also a hidden joke.

Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #17 on: 02-08-2005 03:45 »

i didn't catch the hidden joke, but i caught the refference to your first fic.
Tongue Luck

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #18 on: 02-08-2005 14:19 »

Meh, sometimes you need a fresh pair of eyes. I'm constantly dismayed by how many errors make it through my thorough editing process when I look back at the "finished" product a week or so later.

Chapter 6

 laff:
 
Quote
FRY
The closet?
Ha! Perfect Fry!
Quote
They're highly explosive, and I ran out of Styrofoam packing peanuts.
Hee!
Quote
hence the duct tape and popsicle sticks.
For some reason, I find that downright adorable. Cub scout terrorists.
Quote
LEELA
The bombs are set to explode at 10:10 on October 10th.
10:10 on 10/10. Nice.
Quote
PROF FARNSWORTH
You'll deliver those bombs, or my name isn't Hermes Conrad.
Caught me by surprise and produced my biggest laugh of the section.

 mad:
 
Quote
LEELA
There is no way I'm letting those bombs are get on that ship.
All your bombs are belong to us. Or is that an intentional joke? Crap...
Quote
EXT - WIDE ANGLE OF PESHIP LEAVING THE PE BUILDING - CONTINUOUS
Missing space between PE and SHIP.
Quote
FRY
I note with some dismay that you said "you" instead of "we."
A little on the articulate end for Fry.
Quote
The colony is comprised of five glass domes arranged in an irregular diamond.
Quote
Originally posted by me in the JBERGES thread:
Also, comprise (or comprising, as the case may be) is kind of a confusing and often misused word.
I swear, that thing will be the death of me!

Chapter 7

 love:
Quote
The buildings' decrepit conditions belie the colony's young age.
I dig the way you phrased that.
Quote
Leela recognizes one of the wounded combatants as ZOIDBERG.
Gasp! Oh, I do love an obvious-in-retrospect twist. Maybe I'm alone in this,  but I totally didn't see it coming. Eeeee!
Quote
Dry as an endoskeleton
Ooh, a twist on an old saying. Love those, too.
Quote
MUTANT CROWD
Yay!

LEELA
No, I meant with us in them.

MUTANT CROWD
Boo!
Ha! You do crowds really well.
Quote
terrestrial extra-terrestrials
Nice turn of phrase.

 puke:
Quote
LEELA
Uh oh.
Uh-oh is preferred.
 
Quote
mutants spring out of hiding and begin to counter attack.
Counterattack.

Overall, nice stuff. I think 6 was one of the funniest yet and 7, while also funny, was very intriguing. More! More, I say!
bish

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #19 on: 02-09-2005 15:48 »
« Last Edit on: 02-09-2005 15:48 »

Will start reading it tonight, and i am expecting it to be good, after all, it is from the author of so many amusing songs and poems, and it has venus' approval. however, is there any place where i can go to see the original?
DrThunder88

DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #20 on: 02-09-2005 23:30 »

Well, the original suffered a major blow to the plot with the airing of "Leela's Homeworld."  I'm reworking it now.  Let's face it, everybody loves a prequel...right?
winna

Avatar Czar
DOOP Ubersecretary
**
« Reply #21 on: 02-10-2005 02:43 »

I do!
DrThunder88

DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #22 on: 02-17-2005 01:02 »
« Last Edit on: 02-17-2005 01:02 »

Sorry for the delay.  In the ninth chapter I reintroduce Jack Havoc.  I was trying to figure out where he left off with the crew when I remembered that my original story was shitcanned.  So I've been working out the major plot points of the first story so it flows smoothly into this story.

I also realize I forgot to describe Havoc in this script.  Here's his slug from the earlier script.
 
Quote
Havoc is a human in his early- to mid-30's.  His business is the military, and he is all business.  His dark crewcut and goatee frame his unsmiling face.

Chapter8
Chapter9
Tongue Luck

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #23 on: 02-18-2005 02:01 »

Chapter 8

Yes!
 
Quote
FRY
You taped over "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy?"
Haaaaa! That's so damn great. A song well chosen.
Quote
For some reason whenever a society goes to hell, they always blame the leader.
Heh heh. Logic like that is awesome.
Quote
LEG-GUY
Don't make me shove me up your ass.

...

LEG-GUY
Let's shake a me!
My favorite jokes of the chapter. Don't know why, but I loves me some leg mutant.

No!
 
Quote
BENDER
I recorded over your 'Renegade Rampage' tape.

FRY
You taped over "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy?" With what?
This is probably one of those times where I'm just revealing my own ignorance, but I'm a little confused by your use of quotation marks versus apostrophes-turned-quotation-marks. Is it unintentional inconsistency or is there some rule I don't know concerning, say, song titles versus mix tape titles?
Quote
ACDC's "Back in Black" begins playing.
I'm aware that I'm totally crossing the crazy fanatic line by nitpicking about punctuation in a band name of all things, but I'm used to seeing it as AC/DC. Or AC[lightning bolt]DC, I guess.
Quote
ADJUNCT RATLEY sits behind his desk in a crummy office with a window overlooking the mutant tenaments in the colony.
Tenements.
Quote
The secretary opens the door for the crowd, revealing that she is also a mutant with no torso and all her apendages coming to a point at her neck.
Appendages.
Quote
RAOUL
You imbicile!
Imbecile.
Quote
The crowd murmers approvingly but doesn't go anywhere. The murmurring dies down.
Murmurs; murmuring.

Chapter 9

Haha:
Quote
BENDER
(After a beat)
But what?
I love that. Too often, "but..." is allowed to trail off into nothing.
Quote
FRY
She and ten million other mutants and aliens. Bender, tell him about the bombs.

Bender is off to the side of the room, helping himself to a bottle of brandy from a cabinet on the wall.

BENDER
There were bombs.
Perfect Bender.
Quote
BENDER
This is so unfair. How come Major McBoyScout here can get on the Most Wanted list, and I, with my veritable lifetime of criminal and semi-criminal activities, can't even get a mention in the police blotter?
Double perfect. Man, Bender rocks this chapter like there's no tomorrow.

Hohum:
Quote
INSIDE THE SAPCE YACHT
Space.
Quote
Havoc motions for for the butler to leave.
An extra "for".
Quote
HAVOC
Look, I don't like those colonies as much as anyone
Hmm... A "don't" in a statement like that reads sort of awkwardly, at least to me. I'm used to seeing it phrased in the positive way, I guess.
 
Quote
FRY
Okay, so maybe there were twelve, but they were ordered by that guy you are suposed to be kidnapping.
Supposed.

Still enjoying this, still looking forward to the rest.
DrThunder88

DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #24 on: 02-20-2005 03:25 »

I'd be angrier that you've been correcting so many things, but so far you haven't been wrong once...sad really (on my part).

Chapter 10 (shorter than a Shetland weasel)
Chapter 11 (creditor protection not included)
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #25 on: 02-20-2005 04:30 »

heehee Manly Spice.
DrThunder88

DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #26 on: 02-23-2005 03:42 »

The closing chapters of this story move pretty fast, so here are the final three:

Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14

Thanks for all the feedback.
Tongue Luck

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #27 on: 03-08-2005 17:09 »
« Last Edit on: 03-10-2005 00:00 »

Oy! I somehow didn't notice your penultimate update. Then when you did the final one, I was all, "Okay... I'll do a five-part omni review quote thing. Then they'll see! They'll all see!" Then I had a sandwich instead. And the sandwich took me two weeks to finish, I guess. So, anyway... bump.

Chapter 10
 
Quote
FRY
We've got a plan. Our next step is...for you to tell us what you think we should do next.
Yay! Good. I just can't see Fry and Bender planning too far ahead. Very characteristic.   
Quote
BENDER (CONT'D)
Looks like we needed that strut after all.
Fwah! The setup was great, and the payoff was better.

Chapter 11
 
Quote
Your bony skulls must be cutting off circulation to your otherwise semi-solid head.
Ha, good alien line. That made me smile.
Really late edit that you'll probably never notice: Though the plural "skulls" and the singular "head" disagree.
Quote
FRY
Oh man, "every rock in the galaxy"? I could have sworn he said "Department of Justice."
Heh heh... Fry's dumb. And the sequence almost immediately afterwards is even funnier. A little reminiscent of that great career chip conversation in TCW, but not criminally so. 
Quote
the ground is part-mud and part water.
Inconsistent hyphen use.

Chapter 12
 
Quote
LEELA
No, you chicken of the sea.
Y'know, I would've thought Jessica Simpson had preemptively killed that line's capacity to make me laugh. I would've been wrong. Nice work. 
Quote
THE GOLDFISH
I'll get you for this if it's the last thing I do!
Snort. Awesome. Also, I'm strangely reminded of The Cat in the Hat.

Chapter 13
 
Quote
FRY (O.S.)
Hey, I helped!

BENDER (O.S.)
Me too!
Sometimes they're so cute. 
Quote
Dornau is out of answers.
That was awesome. I loved watching it all unravel like that. 
Quote
BENDER
It means the "Dornau Confession DVD" will be my highest grossing film since that celebrity sex tape I did.
Beautiful. 
Quote
HAVOC
That seems pretty risky for not having a compelling reason.
Reads awkwardly to me. May or may not need rephrasing.

Chapter 14
 
Quote
as fruitless as Midnight Basketball or DARE.
Mmm... Satire. 
Quote
LINDA
Gunning for that Pulitzer pretty hard, aren't you Morbo?

MORBO
(Shouting)
Puny human, I will destroy you!

MORBO (CONT'D)
(Subdued)
I mean, I will destroy you for being annoying, not for being a human.
Also delicious. I think I'm hungry. 
Quote
Fry produces a folded piece of paper with "Space Hero Certificate: Phillip J Fry" scrawled on it.
I assume using the alternate spelling of Fry's first name was intentional, to make it more pathetic? 
Quote
MUNDA
You two did that all by yourselves? From what Leela's told us, you two could barely operate a butter knife together.
Ha! You have such a way with creatively burning people. 
Quote
FRY (CONT'D)
I got that from Contact.

LEELA
Bad sci-fi analogies aside,
Aaaaugh!!!! Why? Why did you make me relive that thing? You fiend! I was having such a good time, too!

Okay... Overall, I really enjoyed this story. The humor was top notch, the plot and its execution were fascinating, and the characterization was right on target. Havoc had a bit of a Gary Stu air about him (sorry! being honest with my reactions! don't hit me!), which did rather annoy me, but there were enough great lines and ideas to keep me from being irked for too long. And the fact that everybody was all dismissive of him at the end and he didn't live happily ever after made it better, as well. I don't think I went one chapter without at least a chuckle. More people should read it. NOW!
DrThunder88

DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #28 on: 03-09-2005 00:53 »
« Last Edit on: 03-09-2005 00:53 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by Tongue Luck:
 
Quote
THE GOLDFISH
I'll get you for this if it's the last thing I do!
Snort. Awesome. Also, I'm strangely reminded of The Cat in the Hat.

As it turns out, I think I unconsciously stole the idea for a goldfish arch-nemesis from Earthworm Jim (Bob the Killer Goldfish).

A word or two about Havoc:  He is way too much of a main character in this story.  I didn't really want to bring him into it, but I had to consider a few points.  Firts, I really wanted the main development in Leela's story to take place in the PCIPSEs.  Second, I could not think of any reasonable way to get Fry and Bender into the PCIPSEs.  This lead me to the third point: left to their own devices, Fry and Bender have a tendency to cause more problems than they solve.  As characters, Fry and Bender need a straight man (or hot, sexy, female man) to accomplish anything.  I just couldn't picture any of the remaining regulars who would be able to pull off the cunning audacity I wanted Fry and Bender to have a hand in.

I know it's not well-remembered, but Havoc was actually a villain in my first story.  I suppose I should've realized that not having Havoc participate in antagonism of the main characters would leave him without any characterization of his own.  Is he a Gary Stu?  Yeah.  Dang.

By the way, thanks for all your feedback.
JBERGES

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #29 on: 03-09-2005 22:41 »

OK, hereís that long response I was talking about.  Youíve earned it:


Chapter 3

I read chapter 3, then realized Tongue Luck had already quoted all of my favorite lines when I started to read her post, which has kept me from quoting them.  So, from then on, I stopped reading what she had to say.

Chapter 4:
 
Quote
I'm not going to sit here while the humans fill it up with their crap. This is our home, damn it, not New Jersey.

Ah, funny because itís true

 
Quote
Quick, everyone grab your flinging sticks.
Iíd like to see these flinging sticks... not necessarily in action...


Chapter 5:
 
Quote
FRY: Yeah, this hard, metal object broke my fall.

Funny, and extremely similar to a joke I had but never used.  Now Iíll never use it...     
 
Quote
FRY: Hey, if anyone paddles Leela, it's going to be me.
LEELA: Shut up, Fry
Thatís the spirit!
 
Quote
FRY: Do you have anything without crocodile in it?
DAVID:  No.

Ah, such a great comic device.  Asking a reasonable question and being met with an unexpected no.


Chapter 6:
 
Quote
...and I ran out of Styrofoam packing peanuts.
Really liked that line.
 
Quote
PROF FARNSWORTH: You'll deliver those bombs, or my name isn't Hermes Conrad.

LEELA: Your name isn't Hermes Conrad. It's Hubert Farnsworth.

PROF FARNSWORTH (After a beat): Deliver the bombs!

Ha.  Such a goofy bit, spliced with some random anger.

Chapter 7:
 
Quote
We're all in grave danger. Attorney General Dornau was planning on destroying these colonies...

MUTANT CROWD: Yay!

LEELA: No, I meant with us in them.

MUTANT CROWD: Boo!
If The Simpsons has taught us anything, itís that crowds can be incredibly funny.  Nice work.

Chapter 8:
 
Quote
BENDER: I recorded over your ďRenegade RampageĒ tape.

FRY: You taped over "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy?"
Good line.

 
Quote
LEG-GUY: Don't make me shove me up your ass.
This actually made me laugh out loud, and I donít do that often while Iím reading.

 
Quote
LEG-GUY: Let's shake a me!
Slightly less hilarious, but a well executed running gag is always good.

Chapter 9:
 
Quote
BUTLER: It occurs to me: were you looking for the Major or the General?

Bender and Fry look at each other as if each thinks the other will know.

FRY: The alive one.
Perfect character line.


 
Quote
FRY: Bender, tell him about the bombs.

Bender is off to the side of the room, helping himself to a bottle of brandy from a cabinet on the wall.

BENDER:  There were bombs.

Somehow, an even better character line. Havoc interrupting Fryís speech was good as well.

Chapters 10/11:

The escape scene showed us some us Fryís patented stupidity, and I enjoyed this line:

 
Quote
FRY:(Thinking fast) He was the sixth Spice Girl: Manly Spice
Chapter 12:
 
Quote
LEELA (CONT'D) If you could all stop killing each other...
Not quite sure what made that so funny... it was rather Groening-esque.

Chapter 13: 

Very well written.  Thatís all I can say about this.  It was surprisingly compelling, and that fact caught me off guard.  Youíve got talent.

Chapter 14:
 
Quote
With the arrest, execution, and, eventually, conviction of former Attorney General Dornau, it has become painfully clear that his plans for crime control would be as fruitless as Midnight Basketball or DARE
Two great Nixon jokes in a row.  You can hear him saying that.
 
Quote
You two did that all by yourselves? From what Leela's told us, you two could barely operate a butter knife together.
Comedyís all in the word choice.  Butter knife was an ideal choice for that situation.
____________

So, all in all, it was great.  A few spelling errors and such that Iím sure Tongue pointed out, but other than that everything flowed pretty well.  Hope to see more from you sometime in the future, because the ending suggested sequel perhaps?  Hmm...  I should probably dig up that first story of yours and read it, eh?
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #30 on: 03-09-2005 22:55 »

You know what i loved but forgot to post about? The hair gag. I don't remember what chap it was but i loved it. The physics behind Leela's hair has perplexed me for a while and i loved your explination for it's ability to defy gravity like that.
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