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Author Topic: How do you like my fanfiction?  (Read 424 times)
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Fry´s Lady

Bending Unit
***
« on: 01-17-2005 22:28 »

Here's a fan fic a made I hope you like it and plz tell me how it is!

The Lost Friend

Rating: G

 

[This is the fan fiction where Raven-Symone from That's So Raven and The Cosby Show plays as Nicole "Rae" Raven (Fry's lost 20th Century best friend). Goes into the cryogenic tube because Seymour (Fry's dog) pressured her to go. This fiction was after the final episode of Futurama: The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings (as well as after Fryfan's fictions)].

 

Here we begin:

Futurama main title: New Episode, New Character!

NNY big screen playing: Mickey Mouse filling the cow with hay to make it look fat.

[Here in the scene we see the people from the 20th Century, Rae in the Panucci's wanting to see Fry. Then Mr. Panucci comes up to Rae]

Mr. Panucci: Hey Rae nice to see ya again. Where's Fry??

Rae: Uhhh... I'm really sorry to say it, but I don't know where he is...

Panucci: THEN MAKE A DELIVERY AT THE CRYOGENIC LAB TONIGHT, UNDERSTAND, OR NEW YEAR'S EVE WILL NOT BE COMPLETE WITH A DELIVERY GIRL

Rae: sighs

[We see Rae riding a bicycle and then sees her boyfriend Brian in a taxi. Rae gets exited]

Rae: Brian! Baby boy where you going??

[We see Brian with another girl]

Brian: It's not working out honey [car drives away] I PUT YOUR STUFF IN THE GARBAGE COLLECTORRRRRRRRR

Rae: I hate my life. I hate my life. I HATE MY LIFE!

[Rae stops and locks her bicycle, takes the pizza, then off to the cryogenic building, a person steals her bike then says "Happy New Year!"

Rae comes out of the stairs, enters the cryogenic lab, and rubs the one of the tubs. Looks frightened.]

Rae: Hello? Pizza delivery for uh... I C Wiener? [Puts the paper down] oh crud! I always thought at this point in my life I'd be the one making the crank calls! [Rae drops the pizza and says, "Here's to another lousy year" (opens and drinks the beer)]

Cut to: Time Square. A screen displays "10."]

Crowd: Ten!

[Cut to: Paris. A screen on the Eiffel Tower displays "9."]

Crowd: Neuf!

[Cut to: Vatican City. The Pope holds up a sign with "VIII" on it.]

Crowd: Otto!

[Cut to: Giza]

Crowd (in Egyptian): Seven!

[Cut to: Athens. The Parthelon displays a "6."]

Crowd (in Greek): Six!

[Cut to: Great Wall Of China.]

Crowd (in Chinese): Five!

[Cut to: Taj Mahal. A "4" is displayed.]

Crowd (in Indian): Four!

[Cut to: African Village.]

Crowd (in African): Three!

[Cut to: Tokyo. A screen displays "2."]

Crowd (in Japanese): Two!

[Cut to: Whole Earth.]

Crowd: One!

[Cut to: Cryogenics Lab. Rae blows a party blower. It unbalances her and she falls backwards into a cryonic chamber. It sets itself for 1,000 years. Through the window we can see the rise and fall of civilization many times. The timer stops 1,000 years later and the door opens. Rae groans and yawns then walks a little and stops at the window. Outside are sights she never believed she could see. Huge buildings, flying cars and rockets taking to the skies.]

Rae: Oh...My...God...It's the future, my parents, my coworkers, my boyfriend...I'll never see any of them again...YIPEE!

Another scene is where Fry and Bender walk past the Cryogenics building. Fry looks surprised

Fry: Hey Bender look! Remember I was frozen in the cryogenic tube??

Bender: Yeah, I know, I'm not a RETARD

Fry: Let's go see if there where anybody frozen from MY time!

Bender: Ok!

[Before they enter, Rae runs away from the cryogenic lab before she sees Fry and Bender, she stops, Fry and Bender froze]

Bender: Oh...Your...God...SHE'S HOT!

Fry: Oh my god! My best friend Rae!

Rae: Fry...I-is that you?? Oh God tell me I'm not dreaming!

Fry: It's ok, Rae, it's me, Fry

[Next scene we see Amy, Hermes, Zoidberg, Leela and Professor watching TV, then Fry, Rae, and Bender enter the room].

Bender: (sounding like Professor) Good news everyone!

Fry: My friends from the 20th century came in the future for me!

The crew: (Amy) Hi. (Hermes) Hello Mon! (Zoidberg) Hello there! (Professor) Greetings!

Rae: (in a timid voice) How y'all doing?

[Next scene, we see Leela checking the list to see if they have everything in their delivery, then along came Rae]

Rae: Hey Leela

Leela: Hi Rae

Rae: So... what're we delivering??

Leela: Oh just a little hamster to Amazonia for their feast

Rae: Oh...I see...

Leela: (sighs) Sometimes I feel really sorry for these poor innocent creatures like him.

Rae: Yeah...so do I, but it does have to be part of the delivery

Leela: Yeah I guess so too

[Fry and Bender coming in ready for the mission]

Fry: Hey Rae ready for the delivery?

Bender: Yea you ready?? [Bender elbows her]

Rae: Yea I think I'm ready

[Next scene they're in space in the ship. Rae enters the room]

Rae: Wat up dawg?

Leela: What??

Rae it's nothing serious, just a phrase like "What's Up?" So when will we get there??

Leela: In a couple of hours don't worry it won't take long.

 

To Be Continued...

 


_____________________________ _____________________________ _____________________________ _________________________

The Lost Friend Pt. 2

 

[Later back at Planet Express the P.E. ship flies back]

 

Leela: Phew! That was a tough delivery mission

 

Rae: I had fun though

 

Fry: Yeah, I am usually happy when a smart best friend like Rae would come along

 

Bender: Me too! I did get enough alcohol

 

Rae: Hey guys thanks once again for letting me be at Planet Express

 

Leela: No problem

 

Rae: One Problem where can I live?

 

Fry: She has a point

 

Bender: Uhh… why not live with us??

 

Fry: Yeah! That’s a great idea

 

Rae: Cool, where do y’all live?

 

Fry: In an apartment

 

[Cuts to Fry & Bender’s apartment]

 

Rae: (Whistles) You guys have a really messy apartment, and I know how to fix it!

 

[Rae sets the apartment very clean in just 2 minutes]

 

Fry: (Whistles) whoa did you know that you did that in 2 minutes?

 

Bender: (sighs)

 

[Later that night, Rae enter Fry’s room, Fry is crying]

 

Rae: Fry what’s wrong?

 

Fry: I just miss my family, it’s been 6 years I left them…and you and now I feel terrible

 

Rae: Aww come on now I just got frozen yesterday but now I feel happy because I have a best friend that’s like a brother to me

[Fry smiles, Rae smiles back. They both kiss each other on the cheeks]

 

Rae: G’night

 

Fry: G’night

 

[The next morning, at Planet Express Bender and Rae were the first ones at 6:00 am]

 

Bender: (blushes) Umm Rae I have to tell you something

 

Rae: Yeah?

 

Bender: Rae I love you I’ll tell you why: you’re smart you’re beautiful and best of all you’re a true friend

 

Rae: Bender that’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me, you’re like my true love

 

Bender: hehe

 

Rae: (gives a kiss on the cheek)

 

Bender: (gasps) Yes!

 

[Later that day, at Central Park]

 

Rae: The Lake is so beautiful here in the future

 

Bender: It is, baby. Say Rae how ‘bout a ride on one of those swans? We can love for each other

 

Rae: (softly) no thank you

 

Fry: (to Leela) hey Leela how’s everything working out with you and Michelle being friends

 

Leela: Oh we’re ok; she’s just in Times Square to just check something

 

Fry: Oh ok

 

[Episode ends]

 

NOTE: This fiction is not affiliated with Futurama or FOX.
Fry´s Lady

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #1 on: 01-18-2005 14:58 »

Come on people i worked twice as long to get this done tell me what ya think of it!
goodmorinsun

Crustacean
*
« Reply #2 on: 01-18-2005 19:44 »

I think its great!Keep up the work.
Fry´s Lady

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #3 on: 01-18-2005 20:42 »

Thank You!!  smile
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #4 on: 01-18-2005 22:15 »

In 1999 Raven Simone was 14. How would she be old enough to play Fry's best friend? He was 25. That's creepy.
Spacedal11

Space Pope
****
« Reply #5 on: 01-18-2005 22:17 »

Also, how come everything that happened to Rae happened to Fry?
Fry´s Lady

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #6 on: 01-18-2005 22:34 »

Cuz that was Fry's friend and if you read closely it was after the final episode of Futurama. I know it is creepy but it's actually true in my fiction.
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #7 on: 01-18-2005 22:38 »

What i meant was there is an 11 year age difference. Why would Fry be best friends with someone 11 years younger?
Spacedal11

Space Pope
****
« Reply #8 on: 01-18-2005 22:59 »

That would be like me being friends with Fry. That's 13 years younger.
Fry´s Lady

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #9 on: 01-19-2005 14:59 »

Actually Rae is 19. Just to unconfuse yall. Or you meant the actress?
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #10 on: 01-19-2005 16:39 »

the actress. And even if she is 19 a 6 year age difference is still really weird for a best friend.
Fry´s Lady

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #11 on: 01-19-2005 18:35 »

Yeah but I wanted her to star in it so yea..
blackkatnorn

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #12 on: 01-19-2005 18:40 »

lol
Spacedal11

Space Pope
****
« Reply #13 on: 01-19-2005 21:56 »

Even so, if Rae was at least 23 or however old Amy is, it'd be better.
Fry´s Lady

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #14 on: 01-19-2005 22:14 »

Maybe but the real actress is 19 juss like Rae
Fry´s Lady

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #15 on: 01-29-2005 23:56 »

I'll be starting part 3 soon  smile
MrMoose

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #16 on: 01-30-2005 00:23 »

Since when does Fry miss his family enough to cry about it? I was pretty sure that for the most part he bearly cared at all.
Fry´s Lady

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #17 on: 01-30-2005 01:09 »

Maybe but part 3 won't be the part where he misses his family.
Spacedal11

Space Pope
****
« Reply #18 on: 01-30-2005 13:26 »

Also, I don't like the fact that you rated this G. PG would be better at least. I mean Futurama isn't a show for general audiences. Have you watched the show?
Fry´s Lady

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #19 on: 02-01-2005 15:06 »

Yes your right. Also in here in Ontario (Canada) it's rated 14+ so yeah.
hobojobo

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #20 on: 02-01-2005 19:26 »
« Last Edit on: 02-01-2005 19:26 »

How exactly can bender blush? Also, what's with you mentioning that Michelle and Leela are friends? You might also want to stop switching tenses mid-sentence, it gets kind of confusing.
Fry´s Lady

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #21 on: 02-01-2005 22:11 »

Okay...
Spacedal11

Space Pope
****
« Reply #22 on: 02-01-2005 22:28 »

Wait, wait, wait. What's with the [episode ends] thing? Does that mean it's over? That was a bad thing to end on if it was.
Fry´s Lady

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #23 on: 02-02-2005 15:02 »

Yes Spacedal11 it means it's over
Spacedal11

Space Pope
****
« Reply #24 on: 02-04-2005 21:00 »

*Jaw drops*. Get the shit out of here! That-I'm sorry- was a not good ending. And by that I mean, I'm going "WTF!?"
Fry´s Lady

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #25 on: 02-04-2005 21:19 »

Okay then wich is a good ending: this [fiction ends] or [end of fiction].
TheLesbianLeela

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #26 on: 02-04-2005 21:37 »

Hi FL,

this's a nice fan fiction you have there, but just allow me - even if English is not my motherlanguage - to add some critic points, too.
I'll try to make them constructive, why not - it's your first fan fiction, right?

Well, 1) Patience ... a good fan fiction will take days to write it. Take your time, your artwork deserves it. Also patience is required within the text. Your text is more like "then they do this - cut - then this - cut - this ..." It does not read kind of smooth enough. What I mean is - more details. People love details, especially since they only have your words written here and not the pictures you had on your mind while writing it.

Then, 2), the start of the story is too much copied from the first Futurama episode. It's a nice idea, but it would be better as a kind of parody of the first episode, instead of just to copy it.

Last but not least, 3), in your fanstory is - what is theoretically very good - everything basing something else, so we have a clear storyline, but sometimes it is too clear and obviously. Example: Rae awakes, Fry suddenly wants to look for the cryogenic chambers ... It's too obviously. As I said above - more details. Also, more events no-one would suspect and random happenings.

I hope this all doesn't sound harsh or mean, since it's meant to be friendly.

I really like the ideas of your story and I'd like to read another story from you soon, maybe a re-done version of the story above?
Fry´s Lady

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #27 on: 02-04-2005 21:52 »

Thanks TLL, part 3 will have most of those advices you sent me. Thank you, Daniela!
Spacedal11

Space Pope
****
« Reply #28 on: 02-05-2005 02:48 »
« Last Edit on: 02-05-2005 02:48 »

TLL is always right it seems. Also, I know it's hard but you kinda have to have characters in their right place. In SPK3, we see Fry is really happy that he was in the future and was never gonna see anyone he used to know again. So where he's all of a sudden crying, it's not right. I like to call this thing "Acciential Minds" cause you're showing a Fry that we didn't know would cry about things we thought he was happy about.

Also to both Fry Lady and Venus, I know Venus is gonna turn this into a thing that makes me feel stupid but I'll roll with it. Fry Lady, Rae needs her independence. Venus bitches at me that my character Drew, is two-deminsional, and I agree sorta. But at least Drew goes home at night and isn't with Fry and Bender ever second. Although she's with them a lot. Rae needs a scene that's not just with Fry, Leela, Bender, or a combination of the three. She needs to find her own home, she needs to not always be happy with Fry, and she needs to be alone. Rae is always happy to talk to Fry and stuff but she can't. In my stories, Drew gets annoyed with him, so should Rae. He's not perfect, but she must not know that.

And to add on to what she said, a part might go like this:

Before-

[Fry and Bender coming in ready for the mission]

Fry: Hey Rae ready for the delivery?

Bender: Yea you ready?? [Bender elbows her]

Rae: Yea I think I'm ready

After-

Fry and Bender are packaging the *Insert name of product* onto the ship. Rae walks over to the dock carrying the last box of it.

Bender: Well that's the last of 'em. I still say we should have dumped them in the sewers. Mutants need *Insert name of Product* too.

Rae was pulling herself back up as she loaded the last box. She made a quiet giggle to herself, although Bender heard it. He felt really good inside.

Fry: You'll like going on missions with us Rae. It's so cool to look at the planets, the stars, and the hammacks we sleep in.

Rae: Can't wait.

Fry smiled and motioned Rae to follow him onto the ship. Bender watched her leave and felt normal once she was out of sight.

See? That's what we want!

And with the [Episode ends] thing, I'm not saying that you should switch that, I'm saying that was a bad ending. Sorry but it's called a storyline, and at the end of these storylines they end. But not in the middle of storylines.

If this fic has an actual story besides Fry's friend coming to the future, don't end it in the middle! I know it's a nice concept to have an episode like this but you need to make it your own! Do you hear me dammit?
Fry´s Lady

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #29 on: 02-05-2005 10:04 »

Yeah I hear you Spacedal! I'm working on on it right now.
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #30 on: 02-05-2005 12:32 »

I don't think it counts as a bitch if the point i made was valid. I just have hig fic standards. That's what happens when you read as much as i do.
Fry´s Lady

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #31 on: 02-05-2005 12:39 »

Hmm.. Venus is absolutely right but what do you mean by a bitch?
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #32 on: 02-05-2005 12:52 »

in the context that Spacedal and i just used it it basically means "complaining just for the sake of complaining. Being critical just for the fun of it."
Spacedal11

Space Pope
****
« Reply #33 on: 02-05-2005 19:42 »

Pretty much. And I have high movie standards so I understand. I can go to every movie of the year and tell you what happens. The only movie that got me by surprise was The Butterfly Effect. But that has nothing to do with this.

Glad you took these coments into concideration.
Fry´s Lady

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #34 on: 02-06-2005 19:40 »

True...
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