Futurama   Planet Express Employee Lounge
The Futurama Message Board

Design and Support by Can't get enough Futurama
Help Search Futurama chat Login Register

PEEL - The Futurama Message Board    Melllvar's Erotic Friend Fiction    My second fic, please review « previous next »
Author Topic: My second fic, please review  (Read 765 times)
Pages: [1] 2 Print
PEE Poll: My second fic, please review
That was great   -5 (45.5%)
That was pretty good   -4 (36.4%)
Meh, that was ok   -1 (9.1%)
Pff, what the hell was that?   -0 (0%)
Buddy, I'll pay you $5 never to write ever again   -1 (9.1%)
Total Voters: 11

nasteve

Bending Unit
***
« on: 11-13-2001 17:08 »
« Last Edit on: 11-13-2001 17:08 »

This is my newest fanfic, called 'Flowers In The Window' and is a drama story. I tried really hard to make it as good as i could so i hope you like it, but what i really need is some critisism so i can make my next one better. If you would please take the time to read it and write a few words saying what you did and didn't like i would really appreciate it, thanks.

Also, lots of thanks to PaulFSAC for hosting my fic on his site. you can click here to read it  http://www.scanartcentral.net/fanfics/ns_fitw01.shtml
DrThunder88

DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #1 on: 11-13-2001 18:09 »

Is there another part?
nasteve

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #2 on: 11-13-2001 18:34 »

there will be shortly
nasteve

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #3 on: 11-13-2001 18:35 »

nice, i'm now a bending unit, hoorah!
DrThunder88

DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #4 on: 11-13-2001 19:26 »

Okay, I'm looking forward to the ending.

Good work on the first part.  Once again I must reiterate my dislike for the 3PO P.O.V., but it seems to work very well with your story.  I appreciate the brilliant use of imagery, which is frequently lacking in scripts and other 3POb stories.

I'll save the rest until the other shoe drops.
Allen

Professor
*
« Reply #5 on: 11-13-2001 19:31 »

Okay, first of all, I liked the first part. Doing it in a parter tells people there's hope and you just spent this one painting a picture of no hope. The only way you'll pull off her living is through some sort of twist. I like twists. They blow away everything you thought you knew about it. Kinda like the IM II smile Anyway write some more please
Juliet

DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #6 on: 11-13-2001 20:57 »

it's a lovely sad story. I like it. well done   smile

Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #7 on: 11-13-2001 22:14 »

such a lovely story. i love it! Its not crap! Its the opposite of crap, in fact its anti-crap! Feel proud!
  love   love   love   love


The last time i tried to kill myself was about an hour ago. I jumped off this really tall building. But i ended up doing a triple backflip and landing on my feet. No one saw it of course, except for two little kittens and one kitten turned to the other and said "See? That's how you do that."
AstroZombie

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #8 on: 11-15-2001 14:53 »

Steve I love it,

But if you kill her then I'll kill you SLOWLY!

 smile


AstroZombie

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #9 on: 11-15-2001 14:55 »

Hmmmmmm AntiCrap, does that explode when it meets crap?

Kryten

Space Pope
****
« Reply #10 on: 11-15-2001 14:55 »

Really sappy... in a good way, of course! I can't wait for part 2....

Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #11 on: 11-15-2001 15:50 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by AstroZombie:
Hmmmmmm AntiCrap, does that explode when it meets crap?


Yes. Quite spectacularly in fact.


The last time i tried to kill myself was about an hour ago. I jumped off this really tall building. But i ended up doing a triple backflip and landing on my feet. No one saw it of course, except for two little kittens and one kitten turned to the other and said "See? That's how you do that."
AstroZombie

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #12 on: 11-15-2001 16:01 »

COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!, where can I get some!  smile
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #13 on: 11-15-2001 16:06 »

Isle 6 at local Walmarts everywhere
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #14 on: 11-15-2001 17:39 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by AstroZombie:
Steve I love it,

But if you kill her then I'll kill you SLOWLY!

  smile


He'll do it! He's Crazy! 


The last time i tried to kill myself was about an hour ago. I jumped off this really tall building. But i ended up doing a triple backflip and landing on my feet. No one saw it of course, except for two little kittens and one kitten turned to the other and said "See? That's how you do that."
AstroZombie

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #15 on: 11-16-2001 13:42 »

Walmart! Damn we don't have Walmart in the UK. Buggerit!

I want Anti-Crap!!,

And I don't care how I get it!,

:: books the next available flight to the former Soviet Union,

Lets see if the Russian Military can sell me any,

I can see the headlines now,

"Mad Scotsman Kills Bin Laden with AntiCrap bomb"

Mwahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #16 on: 11-16-2001 16:35 »

if you can't find a walmart, try Ebay. theres nothing you can't get on Ebay
diagnostic

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #17 on: 11-16-2001 17:14 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by Venus:
if you can't find a walmart, try Ebay. theres nothing you can't get on Ebay
are they paying you to say that, venus??  smile nice story,nasteve, keep it up.

 

"your son is a very sick boy. Just look at these X-rays! you see that dark spot there? Whiplash, and that smudge here that looks like my fingerprint? No. Thats trauma"
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #18 on: 11-16-2001 17:16 »

NO! they are not paying me!  :: quickly stuffs money under bed :: you can't prove a dang thing!
nasteve

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #19 on: 11-16-2001 17:28 »

Thanks everyone who has taken the time to read my fic so far
The second part will be along shortly
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #20 on: 11-16-2001 18:54 »

How short is shortly? I wanna read it now! im all about instant gradification.  big grin
diagnostic

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #21 on: 11-16-2001 20:52 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by Venus:
How short is shortly? I wanna read it now! im all about instant gradification.   big grin
patience, my child....

  smile

"your son is a very sick boy. Just look at these X-rays! you see that dark spot there? Whiplash, and that smudge here that looks like my fingerprint? No. Thats trauma"
AstroZombie

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #22 on: 11-17-2001 10:31 »

Damn it!, Ebays out of Anti-crap, and the Russians didn't have any, I got a good prive for a Kalashnikov and a T62 tank, the ICBMs were a bit pricey though, so I'll only use them on special occasions  smile
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #23 on: 12-01-2001 14:54 »

::cries::  come on Nasteve i'm dying over here! We want more!
nasteve

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #24 on: 12-02-2001 05:44 »
« Last Edit on: 12-02-2001 05:44 »

sorry m8, i promised myself i'd have the whole thing finished in a week, but that was 5 weeks ago, life's just been really busy lately and writing has been way down my list of priorities. But your interest has given me renewed motivation so i'm gonna make an effort to finish it soon now    smile . Who knows maybe it'll be done in a week   smile
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #25 on: 12-04-2001 17:00 »

see that it is or i will kick you in the shin.
nasteve

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #26 on: 12-05-2001 17:57 »

I could take you, ask anyone. I'm hard as nails.

 smile

You don't scare me...
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #27 on: 12-05-2001 19:25 »

Come on. We take it outside.  big grin
nasteve

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #28 on: 12-10-2001 13:51 »

Part2 is now available to read at Scanartcentral  http://www.scanartcentral.net/fanfics/ns_fitw02.shtml  thanks again to Paul for hosting.

I hope you all like the conclusion but once again I ask please for critical reviews, so that I can improve my writing. All opinions are welcome and all constructive critisism is appreciated. Thanks  smile
Kryten

Space Pope
****
« Reply #29 on: 12-10-2001 14:51 »

I think it was good, but I had one problem: The ending. Way too deus ex machina. The parasite just dies for no reason? And what was the deal with the planet? I thought you intended it to be her homeworld, but in the end, that whole thread went nowhere.

So, in conclusion, I give it a B. I won't destroy your planet, but I won't give you the secret of immortality either.

VelourFog

Space Pope
****
« Reply #30 on: 12-10-2001 15:02 »
« Last Edit on: 12-10-2001 15:02 »

[max from rushmore]"deus ex machina," is that latin?[/mfr]
tee hee.
nasteve

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #31 on: 12-10-2001 15:16 »
« Last Edit on: 12-10-2001 15:16 »

   
Quote
Originally posted by Kryten:
I think it was good, but I had one problem: The ending. Way too deus ex machina. The parasite just dies for no reason? And what was the deal with the planet? I thought you intended it to be her homeworld, but in the end, that whole thread went nowhere.

So, in conclusion, I give it a B. I won't destroy your planet, but I won't give you the secret of immortality either.


dues ex machina? dunno what that is.

As for the planet, did i tell you that it was her homeworld or something? i'm pretty sure i said it was uninhabited. i think i told someone privately that it was meant to remind her of her place of birth but thats it.

And finally, as for the parasite just dieing, i anticipated a lot of people wouldn't like that, but i liked it that way. Of course it didn't die for no reason, I tried to drop a lot of stuff in the fic that would give the reader a lot of choices for them to make up their own personal reason for what killed the parasite (i think i counted four possibles) but if you didn't like/get that well then that's my fault and that's a critisism of the fic and i can use that to improve next time.

thanks for reading it and letting me know
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #32 on: 12-10-2001 16:25 »

::does the happy dance:: brilliant! Bloody Brilliant!Fun for the whole family!I'm so glad you decided to finish it!
nasteve

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #33 on: 12-11-2001 15:09 »
« Last Edit on: 12-11-2001 15:09 »

Well "I'm so happy, cause your so happy"
hehe...I really do listen to Travis too much
totalnerd undercanada

DOOP Ubersecretary
**
« Reply #34 on: 12-11-2001 16:44 »

It was OK, you'll do for me, rough as you are.
DrThunder88

DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #35 on: 12-11-2001 17:30 »

Good story.  My only complaint is the characters don't retain their defining traits, which is the case with most romantic Futurama fanfics, so it's really not a bad thing.  Fry suffers from this syndrome more so than the other characters.  Still, a very canonical story transcending the setting to become universally applicable.

No signature.
Allen

Professor
*
« Reply #36 on: 12-11-2001 18:52 »

Very good story nasteve. Same complaint as Kryten though about the parasite just dying with no explaination why.
nasteve

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #37 on: 12-12-2001 13:39 »

I know, but i thought it was more realistic like that. After all the doctor's were surprised she survived, why not the reader? I understand now that it would have been better had I gave an explanation of some sort but I really didn't want to have someone come in at the end and say "Well its quite simple really, she survived because -insert reason here-" or something shit like that.

But like I said its a perfectly fine critisism of the fic and I'm really glad you all took the time to read it and tell me what you thought, thanks
THM

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #38 on: 01-03-2004 19:44 »

Loved the first part, but I can't seem to get to the second part on FSAC. Do you have it posted anywhere else?

- THM
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #39 on: 01-03-2004 21:09 »

the whole thing is at TLZ
Pages: [1] 2 Print 
« previous next »
Jump to:  

Powered by SMF | SMF © 2006, Simple Machines | some icons from famfamfam
Legal Notice & Disclaimer: "Futurama" TM and copyright FOX, its related entities and the Curiosity Company. All rights reserved. Any reproduction, duplication or distribution of these materials in any form is expressly prohibited. As a fan site, this Futurama forum, its operators, and any content on the site relating to "Futurama" are not explicitely authorized by Fox or the Curiosity Company.
Page created in 0.136 seconds with 19 queries.