Thankyou once again cat, FN, Ása, and bex!
Here's a fanfic I wrote during the long summer holiday last year, then thought about turning into a comic, then tried some comics, realised how hard it would be, then just gave up and posted here.
Well anyway, here it is, tediously edited up for PEEL:Grand Prix 3003
[Fry is laying on a couch in the Planet Express lounge; Leela is sitting at a nearby table, scribbling on a notepad and counting with her fingers. Bender walks in wearing a pink stitched-together flayed skin waistcoat]Fry:
Nice skin Bender, where's it from?Bender:
[Leela turns around, looking shocked, then glares at Bender with clenched fists]Bender:
Whats with the evil eye? Some orphans gave me this pigskin in exchange for a few photos of Amy in the shower, it looks cool and smells like Fry.
[Leela relaxes, Fry chews on a piece of ‘big pink’ gum, and Bender lifts his leg to reveal a foot covered in a cracked black substance]Bender (excitedly):
I even got the trotters!Leela:
Well at least you didn’t maul anyone, but why pictures of Amy?Bender:
They were adolescent orphans, plus they didn’t like the pictures I had of you.
[Leela scowls, Professor Farnsworth walks in]Farnsworth:
Good news everyone! - You won’t be making any deliveries this morning.
[Bender, Fry and Leela cheer]Farnsworth:
I just upgraded my probulator, and I need some live flesh to test it out on.
[Farnsworth points to hideous whirling probulator,
Bender, Fry, and Leela cringe]Fry (whispers):
Bender, fill in for us!Bender:
I don’t have any flesh moron, and I was on that baby eleven times last night, I need some rest.Farnsworth:
Well, who’s first?
[Leela points at a garbage can]Leela:
[Dr. Zoidberg’s head pops out of the garbage]Zoidberg:
Excellent, I’ll find out if the new scythes I installed can cut through chitin.
[Bender, Fry and Leela rush out of the room]ACT 2
[Bender, Fry and Leela are walking slowly along a New New York street.
Bender passes Leela a sandwich, which she unwraps, cautiously sniffs, and then starts to eat]Fry:
Well, this is the first time I’ve had a good reason to skip work since Mr Pannuchi caught rabies from the salami special I prepared, what do you guys wanna do for the next eight hours?Leela (between mouthfuls):
We could go to the lion fights, I hear they’re letting vengeful Christians into the arena today.Bender:
Those holy men rule! You wouldn’t believe the amount of lion’s loin they sell me.
[Leela looks inside her sandwich, coughs and quickly throws it away in revulsion]Fry:
Maybe we should check out those new stores over there…
[Cut to view of some shops]GLANDS ENLARGED: Attract the finest queen larvae with our patented inflator!
Fry walks out of this shop with a huge swollen lump on the side of his neck.10-MINUTE BASTARDISATION: Special discount for orphans!
Leela walks out of this shop looking very depressed.M.C. DONALD – FLAYER: Skins bought, sold and minced!
Bender strolls out of this store without his pigskin waistcoat, whistling and flicking his fingers through a large bundle of money.
[Leela marches up to Fry and slaps him, causing the swollen gland to deflate] Fry:
OK, I’ve got a better idea…
[Cut to scene of Bender, Fry and Leela standing on top of a tall building]Bender:
Suicide eh? I’m in.
[Bender attempts to jump off the edge, Fry stops him, then removes a black length of cord from his jacket pocket and ties it to a post near the edge]Fry:
This is bungee jumping, Bender, not suicide, although sometimes the two are the same.Leela:
It does seem dangerous, you’d better test it first, Fry.Fry:
Watch and learn from the master.
[Fry attaches himself to the bungee cord, and jumps off the edge, falling really fast, returning seconds later being shot up into the air really fast, and falling back down really fast. This sequence repeats in the background of the following conversation, accompanied by Fry’s terrified screams whenever he goes past]Bender:
Now I remember – last month he blew his entire paycheck on that super strong and stretchy bungee cord.Leela:
So that’s why he was out on the street begging for bread crusts, you think we should stop him now?Bender:
He looks like he’s having fun, lets come back for him in a few hours.
[A few hours later… Fry is still being thrown up and down by the bungee cord. Leela and Bender return. Leela is flicking through a ‘next week at the lion fights’ brochure, Bender is carrying a paper bag dripping with blood, marked ‘lion you know whats’, which he places into his chest cabinet. Leela grabs Fry as he passes and puts him back on the building. Fry collapses, pale and shaking, with bloodshot eyes and heavy breathing]Bender:
A psychological breakdown, Neat, I think I just found a new torture device to play with.Leela:
The cord would make a great new drive belt for the ship, it looks like it could reach our maximum speed without wearing out.Fry:
Take it- that thing is evil!
[Leela picks up the cord and helps Fry to his feet]Leela:
We’d better get back to work, we have that five-day delivery trip this week.
[Bender and Leela walk back to the Planet Express building, Fry staggers along behind them]ACT 3
[Bender, Fry and Leela enter the Planet express building, Professor Farnsworth, Hermes, and Amy await
Zoidberg is nearby, his clothes shredded]Farnsworth:
Where in hell have you three been all day? Bender:
Fry and Leela didn’t want to get butchered on the probulator, and I just wanted to be lazy.Farnsworth:
There was no need to be worried, I only wanted to run a few tests, borrow an organ or two. Anyway, the blades snapped on Zoidberg’s shell.Zoidberg:
Hooray, Zoidberg is invincible!Hermes:
Here’s the bill for the replacemont blades, ya hideous creature.Zoidberg (sobbing):
Not another year without food!Farnsworth:
I hope you’re all ready for an exceedingly long and tedious delivery trip to Felix 9.Leela:
Whats the package?Farnsworth:
Oh crap, not again, I’ve still got hairballs from the last visit.Amy:
I’ll go with you, I want to adopt a kitten from that planet.Fry:
Adopt a kitten? Why can’t you just buy one from the pet store?
[Everyone laughs at Fry]Fry:
Huh? Could someone please explain?Farnsworth:
Towards the end of the 26th century, Humanity realised that cats are a super-intelligent race that come from Felix 9, a planet in a distant part of the universe, somewhere near the place where they make my dentures, and -Fry:
Could someone please explain in a non-boring way?Bender:
Cats are really smart… except the ones I sold to that restaurant, they were -Fry:
Stick to the point!Bender:
Oh yeah, cats have huge families, too many kittens, so they just give them away to chumps like Amy or dump them on a planet dumb enough to feed and care for them, like Earth.Fry:
Oh, so why do you want a kitten Amy?Amy:
Well, I’m cuter than Leela, so it makes sense to get a pet cuter than Nibbler.Hermes:
Oh, I get it, Amy eats less than Leela, and cats eat less than Nibbler.Bender:
Cats are more friendly than Nibbler.Farnsworth:
Cats get more sex than Nibbler.
[Leela scowls]ACT 4
[The next morning, on board the Planet Express ship, Leela is flying the ship, Amy is flicking through an orange book, and Fry is eating a bowl of bachelor chow with a plastic spatula]Fry:
Are we there yet?Leela:
No, not for another two daysFry (spits out mouthful):
Two whole days! How can we spend two days of time on this ship? – We don’t even have a TV!Amy:
I’m going to spend them looking through this cat-catalogue, and pick out an adorable kitten.Leela:
I’m off to the engine room to make a few adjustments to our drive system.
[Leela walks into the engine room. Nibbler is in there, next to his litter tray]Leela (sighs):
Not another dark matter pellet, you’re making too much crap Nibbler, and I’m running out of space to put it in Fry’s room.
[Nibbler whimpers and licks his arm]
[Leela opens up a hatch in the floor. A drive belt is spinning around very fast inside. She presses a button and it stops. Leela then removes the bungee cord from her jacket, and ties one end of it to the other, creating a loop]Leela:
At least Fry wasted his money on something useful this time, now lets see if this cord is any good as a replacement drive belt.
[Leela removes the drive belt from the ship, and replaces it with the bungee cord]
[Cut to scene of the planet express ship flying through space]Leela:
OK, here goes...
[Leela presses the button again
The ship accelerates really quickly into the distance, like a star trek ship going into warp]
[Cut to scene of the front of the ship, which is shaking violently. Amy falls backwards. The bowl of Bachelor chow hits Fry in the face]
[Amy drags herself to her feet; holding on to a control panel, Fry wipes the bachelor chow from his face
Leela rushes in]Leela:
Is everyone alright?Amy:
What the hell just happened?Fry:
Isn't it obvious? I spilled my breakfast!
[The ship starts to shake even more, and makes creaking noises]Leela:
Hang on! I’ll adjust the ship’s stabilisers to our new speed.
[Leela turns a dial; the ship stops shaking but is still moving very fast. Leela turns around]Fry:
Why are we going so fast?Leela:
I put that cord of yours into our drive system, we’re going ten times faster!Fry:
Wow, we’re the fastest thing in the universe!Leela:
Not quite, but at this rate we should have the delivery completed in a couple of hours.
[Cut to scene of the planet express ship taking off from a planet, and flying away]
[Cut to scene of the front room of the planet express ship, Amy is not present. Fry is in a bedraggled state, with claw marks on his clothes]
[He coughs up a hairball]Fry:
I think we should have left after giving catnip to the lions.Bender:
Or maybe we should have neutered them first, next time we visit the lion pens, if you hold the lion still while I perform the snipping, I’ll make you a nice meat stew afterwards.Fry:
I can’t wait!Leela:
I can’t believe how fast we’re going, we’ll be able to make a lot more deliveries now we can get to places faster.Bender:
Slow down a sec mauveylocks, are you suggesting that we do more work?Leela:
Well, how else will we fill the time that we normally waste on long delivery trips?Fry:
Not by going on extra suicide missions.Leela:
I guess you’re right, but we’ll need do to something…Bender:
Don’t worry meatbags, I’ve got an idea, but I’ll need to make several long distance calls.
[Bender picks up the ship’s phone]ACT 5
[The ship lands in planet express HQ. The professor and Hermes are waiting as everyone walks off the ship.
Amy is carrying a grey cat]Hermes:
Sweet tiger of Niger! How did you get back here so soon?Leela:
A few adjustments to the ship, thanks to my ingenuity and Fry’s stupidity.Farnsworth:
Well, now you’re back, I have another delivery for you – a shipment of live human brains to Shelly 6, a planet entirely inhabited by Frankenstein monsters.Fry:
So, wheres the crate full of live brains?Farnsworth:
Ooh… I’m not sure, just fly to the planet and you can sort out any problems when you get there… off you go!
[The doorbell rings, Bender answers it, the guy from the ultimate robot fighting league and blernsball coach steps inside]Guy:
I saw your ship go, it’ll be a great competitor to race in the Andromedan Grand Prix.Bender:
Heres the guy I called, he can make us famous again by sponsoring us to race.Professor:
No crew of mine is going into formula one racing, its far too dangerous!Leela:
Since when has that been a concern of yours?Professor:
Since you’ve lived long enough for me to remember you exist.Professor (mutters to himself):
And since I put your organs up on eBay.Guy:
OK, heres the deal, you just fly this ship around, I’ll get some sponsors and an 80% cut of anything you win.Fry:
I’ve had worse offers.Leela:
At last, a chance to show off my flying skills!Guy:
Then it’s settled, oh, and you’ll need a mascot, the crowds love them.Zoidberg:
Ooh, pick me! I’m not so hideous when I put on my makeup!Amy:
Hey everyone, I’d like to show you my new cat, Smoggy, he likes-
[The cat suddenly jumps from Amy’s hands and climbs onto Fry’s shoulder, and starts to chew his ear]Bender:
Looks like he needs to be neutered, whoever brings me some surgical tools gets a nice meaty...Fry:
Get it off me!
[Leela takes the cat from Fry’s shoulder]Leela:
I told you to take a shower after handling the catnip.Guy:
That cat will make a great mascot, he’s got spunk, now your next race is in a week's time. Don't be late!ACT 6
[A week later…]
[The planet express team are on an asteroid base; ships are visible in the background, along with a vast crowd of spectators, and other racers]Fry:
Wow, this place is huge!
[Michael Schumacher’s head is on a nearby table]Michael:
Actually, its one of the smaller asteroid stands, say, are you new around here?Fry:
Michael Schumacher! Are you still racing?Michael:
No, I was too good for this sport, people got bored with me after I won a thousand races in a row, the real competition is standing over there.
[Cut to view of the bar, Zapp Brannigan is standing there, holding a martini and leering at a waitress]Bender:
Look Leela, its that guy you scr-Leela (shouts):
Cram it you bionic bastard!
[Zapp hears her, and saunters over]Zapp:
So, the lovely lusty Leela wants to race with the big boys.Leela:
Since when did you become a big boy?
[Zapp pats his stomach]Zapp:
Since that triple helping of elephant liver, baby.
[Leela retches, Zapp grins and walks off]
[Cut to scene of the planet express crew in the ship]Leela:
That jerk – at least we’re not in the same race as him.Fry:
Focus Leela, they’re doing the countdown 5..4..3..2..1… blast off!
[The planet express ship surges forward, along with several dozen other racers. Some swerve off the course, hitting asteroids or each other. Others engage in laser battles. A ship pulls up close to the planet express ship and starts shooting]Amy:
Oh no! we’re under attack!Leela:
It looks like one of the space longboats of Thor 4.
[Cut to scene of the inside of the enemy ship, which has axes and furs covering the walls. Inside are burly men dressed as vikings (horned helmet etc.)]Viking Captain:
Unleash the wrath of the gods upon the fjord-skulking foe!Viking Gunner:
Ya, I’ll give them a broadside to Valhalla!
[The gunner pulls a trigger, and shots slam into the side of the planet express ship, one hitting the wall near Bender’s head]
[Cut back to scene inside the planet express ship]Bender:
That’s it! I’m going to give those horned morons some laser.
[Bender steps out on to the planet express ship’s wing and starts to shoot at the Viking ship, which takes several hits, and spins off into the distance in flames]Fry:
Thanks Bender – there’s the finish line!
[The chequered flag waves, and the planet express ship wins the race]Amy:
We won! Isn’t this great Smoggy?
[Smoggy licks his crotch in approval]
[Cut to scene of Fry, Bender, Leela and Amy standing on a podium, Amy is holding Smoggy, Leela is holding up the trophy, Fry is popping open a bottle of champagne, and Bender is shooting wildly into the sky]
[They step down from the podium and are greeted by the guy that organised their race]Guy:
That was fantastic, most new racers get killed on that track.Leela:
And why didn’t you tell us that?Guy:
I get paid whether you guys live or die.Bender:
Ah, the amount of times I’ve used that line…Guy:
Now next up is the ‘evil eye’ circuit around Messier 64, its not as dangerous, but you’ll be up against tougher competition.Fry:
[Zapp Brannigan appears, holding a card, which he glances at]Zapp:
The Zapper himself, champion of 91 championship races.Kif:
Actually sir, you only won 16, you’re reading the card upside down.
[Zapp ignores Kif and continues]Zapp:
I’m here to rock your world, both on the racetrack and in the bedroom.
Say, how about a little wager on our next race, Leela?Leela:
I’m sure we can kick your ass, what are the stakes?Zapp:
If I win, I get to have sex with you, if you win, you get to have sex with me.
[Leela slaps Zapp across the face and walks off]Zapp:
Shall I take that as a yes?ACT 7
[Cut to scene of the crew standing in the ship, Leela is welding the side of the ship, Fry is scratching his ass. Bender is pacing about the floor]Bender:
If we want to beat Zapp, maybe we should kill Kif, he’s probably the guy that does all the driving.Leela:
We’re not killing anyone!Bender:
Well at least let me sabotage his ship.Leela:
Well, OK, but don’t hurt anyone.Bender:
There he is, keep him busy Fry.Fry:
Not much unfortunately, perhaps a little tussle with your captain could change that though.Fry:
She’s busy right now, but you can hold this cat, he’s the ship’s mascot.Zapp:
You call that a mascot? I’ve seen more inspiring sloths! Kif, come here and show them your fearsomeness.
[Kif enters – he is wearing a gorilla costume, and looking especially apathetic]Zapp:
Well don’t just stand there, do the dance!
[Kif sighs then waves his arms around and beats his chest slowly, in a tired fashion]Kif:
Ooooh… gah … Ooooh… gah.Zapp:
That’s it Kif, unleash your inner beast!
[Meanwhile, behind the nimbus, Bender is inside a panel manipulating some wiring, sparks are flying]Bender:
Oh, that felt good babe, sorry I have to sabotage you.
[Bender cuts a wire, and attaches it to a remote control thingy, which reads 'loading command frequency']
[On the starting line… Many racers are lined up that are around the same size as the planet express ship.
The nimbus dwarfs them all]Leela:
Did you get the dark matter ready Fry?
Its stacked and stinking captain!Leela:
Good, lets win this thing!Leela:
Cut their engines Bender, but do it slowly or the shock could be fatal.
[Bender presses a large red button on the remote marked ‘instant halt’
Cut to scene of inside the nimbus]Kif:
We’re going at full speed sir, you really should wear a seatbelt.Zapp:
Worry not my cowardly comrade, nothing can stop 25-star general Zapp Brannigan!
[The nimbus suddenly stops, throwing Zapp across the room, until he impacts against the view screen with a sickening thud]
Cut back to inside of the planet express ship, which is flying past the nimbus. Zapp’s form is visible splattered across the windscreen.Leela (angrily):
Can’t I have any fun?
[Cut to scene of the engine room, Fry is loading a hover-dolly with dark matter pellets, Amy is lying down and stroking
Load up the dark matter Fry, we need full speed to win this.
[Fry pinches his nose and fills the reactor]Fry:
How come you never have to shift this stuff? – you’re the engineer.Amy:
And you’re the labourer, we make a good team
[Cut to scene of the planet express ship swooping around a spectacular galaxy shaped like a giant eye]Leela:
Theres the evil eye! – All we have to do is keep going straight and we’ve won!Bender:
And it was all Bender’s idea – remember that when we’re splitting up the prize money.
[A loud ‘clunk’ comes from the engine room]Fry:
What was that?Bender:
Who cares, we’re not slowing down.Leela:
I’ve lost control of the ship! What the hell have you done Fry?Fry:
Gheez, I cart all that crap around like that mule guy on TV and this the thanks I – Amy?
[Amy is dangling the bungee cord above Smoggy, who is on his back, and clawing at it]Leela:
That’s our drive belt you fool!, what have you done?Amy:
Smoggy was getting restless, so I found this stringy thing for him to play with, isn’t he cute?Leela:
Without that cord, we can’t slow down or steer – put it back!Amy:
Gloops, I think it might be a bit too shredded for that, sorry.Bender:
Don’t worry pinky, we’re still heading at full speed towards the chequered flag and riches at Earth.Leela:
Don’t any of you understand – the ship can’t slow down, we’re going to crash into the planet!
[The ship passes the finish line at a tremendous velocity]Fry:
I hope we land somewhere soft!
[The entire crew screams as the planet express ship plummets to Earth, smashing into the planet express building, leaving a deep trench along the line of impact]
[The smoke clears…]Fry:
All right! we won!Leela:
Shut up Fry.
[The next day. Scaffolding covers the planet express building]Hermes:
Never mind professor, their prize money should cover the cost of repairs, and if it doesn’t, Zoidberg can pay for the rest.Amy:
So when I found out what the litter tray was for I decided to send Smoggy to live on Mars.Fry:
Mars! - you can’t send the furry dude over there with your parents!Amy:
They own a chain of restaurants, and like me, they’re not particular about whats on the menu.Amy:
Its OK, Smoggy’s going to Mars University to pick up a degree in ratting.
[Bender waves his bag of 'lion you know whats' – it is surrounded by flies]Leela:
Bender, how many weeks have you had that bag for?Bender:
I’m just letting it mature for a special meal for you all tonight, its still edible, look!
[Bender opens the bag and everyone recoils in horror]Bender:
There is nothing wrong with this meat, the maggots will add to the flavour!THE END
So, is it any good?
It's just a first attempt, so I didn't go for a complex plot. I just tried to keep everyone in character and make it as funny as possible, although looking back at it, theres a few really lame jokes in there...
Any comments/criticisms/suggestions etc. would be most delicious
. And helpful.