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PEEL - The Futurama Message Board    Melllvar's Erotic Friend Fiction    Parabox is back By FF1 « previous next »
Author Topic: Parabox is back By FF1  (Read 487 times)
Pages: [1] Print
Futurama Freak1

Bending Unit
***
« on: 09-05-2004 18:01 »

I wrote this a while ago and I wanted to know if it was good or not so tell me if u think it is good! I am going to show a page at a time.

        Futurama in Parabox is back by Futurama Freak1

The beginning theme
You see all the crew at the table and the professor come in they all look at him.
Professor: Good news every one
Bender: What you’re giving us money
Professor: Oh my no!
Leela: What is it professor
Professor: Do you all remember the parabox I made.
Fry: para what?
Leela: Fry the parabox.
Fry: What box?
Leela: The box we all went in to.
Fry: No it doses not ring a bell to me
Bender: The one over there.
Leela: So what were you saying professor.
Profeser: The parabox is missing.
Amy: But it is over there.
Professor: No it isn't.
The crew: What!
Professor: Yesterday I went to see if we had a box any were and I told Fry to look for one and he brought back the parabox but I didn't pay attention to what box it was.
Leela: We delivered that package today.
Fry: Yea we delivered that to and evil robot.
Bender: Just because a robot killed a guy dose not make him evil.
Fry: I was not talking about that he is crazy and he went to an asylum 5 times maybe more then that.
Professor: Well you need to get the box back he could take over the universe. You mite need help so I made the parabox of a different universe.
Then the crew goes in the box and they see them selves.
Professor b: Hello we heard you were coming.
Fry: How
Leela: Fry they are us and we fillip a coin and we came and they didn't so they were inspecting us you idiot.
Leela b: So you need our help and we need yours.
TheLesbianLeela

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #1 on: 09-05-2004 18:12 »

It's a good start for a fan-fiction: Creative and good conversations between the characters.  smile

May I just add an advice: In case you will send your fan story to a page like TLZ or FSAC once, re-read it for spelling errors and punctuation signs. Some fan fiction readers are really accurate with noticing things like that.

 
Quote
Then the crew goes in the box and they see them selves.
Sorry, but that part of the story was a bit too fast in my opinion.
Advice from artist to artist: Readers love details. Not too much, but as well not too less.

 smile

Click-able signature-picture below!

"PotM August 2004" & PEEL's unofficial Feministic Warrior
Pikka Bird: "you look like quite a sweetheart... with vibes..."
Ralph Snart: "TLL is kinda a legend around here"
germanfryfan

The Listmaker
Urban Legend
***
« Reply #2 on: 09-05-2004 18:28 »

Nice story Futurama Freak 1! I agree with Daniela sometimes you move a little too fast, if you stress some parts it'll be perfect.  wink

The bit with the coinflipping (on side they jump into that box, the other side they wait for universe B to jump in) is brilliant!  smile
Futurama Freak1

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #3 on: 09-05-2004 19:19 »

Thanks TLL and gff. It was my frist episode I wrote so it mite go alittle fast I am sorry for that well here is some more of it tell me what you think of it!!! smile


Bender: What we have to help them too saving the universe types in one day.
Professor b: Why yes.
Benders: uh crap.
Leela’s: shut up benders.
Fry b: How are we going to stop the evil robot.
Professor b: Well I don’t know yet but I will try to figure it out so have fun before you go in to battle.
Fry: What we are going in to battle.
Leela: Of cores fry it is not like us going up to him and ask him to give us back are universe and him giving it back.
Fry: oh.
Bender b: Well-let go get drunk why’d we are weighting.
So the crew go out and why’d they are out Roberto was going to open the parabox but he did not know it was the parabox he thought it was just a box but he was right then we see the crew at a bar having a good time.
Fry: Are you guys sill married? Fry ask the Leela b and Fry b.
Leela b: Hell no.
Fry: What but the last time we saw you were happy and married!
Fry b: Yea but we got a devours cause we could not Stan etcher any more and leela go really mad at me for going out with bender to a srip bar and I forgot our anniversary and I got drunk.
Leela: Wow that would make me upset if I were married to Fry but thank god I am not.
Fry: What do you hate me or something.
Leela: Well lets see you are an idiot and you act like a child I don’t hate you much.
Fry: I can’t help it if I act like a child cause I am one.
Leela: No your not fry you are a adult and god know how old you are.
Back at plaint express the professor is trying to find out a way to stop Roberto.
Professor b: Iv got it and were did my crew go?
Leela b: weir back professor.
Professor: Oh good your back I fond away to stop him.
Fry b: That’s great what is it professor.
Professor b: What.
Leela: The plan to stop Roberto.
Professor b: Oh yes I was going to say we get an another box and take it to him and then switch the boxes.
TheLesbianLeela

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #4 on: 09-05-2004 19:31 »
« Last Edit on: 09-05-2004 19:31 »

The story goes on good   smile

Since this is your first fan story I hope it'll be okay if I might give an advice here and there.

 
Quote
Fry: Are you guys sill married? Fry ask the Leela b and Fry b.
Leela b: Hell no.

So far what you've written. Sorry, but it's a bit difficult to read. It would be better like this:

 
Quote
Fry: "Are you guys still married?"

Fry asks Leela b and Fry b.

Leela b: "Hell no!"

Bold font, italic font, free lines and those signs " and " can make a text better understandable for a reader.

I hope I am helpful with my ideas   smile

Click-able signature-picture below!

"PotM August 2004" & PEEL's unofficial Feministic Warrior
Pikka Bird: "you look like quite a sweetheart... with vibes..."
Ralph Snart: "TLL is kinda a legend around here"
Futurama Freak1

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #5 on: 09-05-2004 19:55 »

Thanks TLL for giving me advices I will try to do that the next time I post my story! smile
TheLesbianLeela

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #6 on: 09-06-2004 13:17 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by Futurama Freak1:
Thanks TLL for giving me advices I will try to do that the next time I post my story!  smile
I'm looking forward to the next chapter of your nice fan story  smile

I'm sure it'll be good  smile

Click-able signature-picture below!

"PotM August 2004" & PEEL's unofficial Feministic Warrior
Pikka Bird: "you look like quite a sweetheart... with vibes..."
Ralph Snart: "TLL is kinda a legend around here"
Futurama Freak1

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #7 on: 09-06-2004 13:44 »
« Last Edit on: 09-06-2004 13:44 »

Thanks TLL well you got your wish here is some more of my story!!  smile

Leela: And how do we do that with out him seeing us.

Fry B: Oh I know how we could and before fry could finish Leela interrupted him.

Leela: Fry we don't want to hear you supid comment

Fry B: It wasn't supid well maybe

Bender B: Just tell us professor so we can move on in lifes.

Professor B: Well like I was saying you will have to switch the boxes

Leela B: We all ready hear that part just tell us how we are going to do that.

Professor B: You are going to be shrunk and switch and then shrink the box the get out of there.

Fry B: wouldn't it be easier if we just go in their why’d he is gone.

Professor B: Yes it would be easier but I want to try out my idea

Bender: Why your idea professor it sound hard I want to do fry’s idea and I would not to have to keep Roberto occupied in fry’s idea.

Professor B: Well who says that you have to keep Roberto occupied.

Bender: Well you guys always make the robots do all the work.

Then it is a commercial brake

Then you see the professor waiting for them to get back from the other universe

Professor: Were are they. They were espouse to be back by now. Hermes this isn't coffee.

Hermes: Well you didn't ask for coffee you ask for pudding.

Dr.Z: Did somebody say pudding.

Professor: why would I ask for pudding oh yes now I remember I wanted pudding to throw in there face when they got back so they would go away.

Hermes: What you are going to throw pudding on the crew.

Dr.Z: Oh throw it on me first!

Professor: No not the crew the pesky rabbit.

Then you see the trix rabbit.

Professor: Silly Rabbit trix are for kids.

Rabbit: Oh   frown

Then Dr.Z eats the rabbit. Then we see are hero's they are on there way to stop Roberto but at Roberto place.

Roberto: Now I can practice my stabbing "hahahahahaha"in his crazy lafe. I need to get out the body’s I order to stab now were is that box Awa yes there it is now to begin the fun "haha." Right before he could open the box there was a knock at the door.
germanfryfan

The Listmaker
Urban Legend
***
« Reply #8 on: 09-09-2004 20:32 »

Really nice  smile
I like the pudding and rabbit part, a good joke beside the main plot.

Also how you held the tension high in the very end, making your audience wait for more is pretty well done!

Please go on writing  smile
Futurama Freak1

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #9 on: 09-09-2004 21:32 »

Thanks gff!! smile
Here is more of the story!!

Roberto: Just when I was having some fun if it is those dam door bell ditchers I will find them and kill them.

So Roberto walk to the door and there was no one there so he thought but there was the crew had shrunk them self’s so they went in why’d Roberto had the door open.

Leela: Now we need to find the box.

Fry B: It could be any were.

Leela B: Fond it.

Bender: Why did we need their help?

Leela: Some one has to keep a guard out for Roberto and besides we need all the help we can.

As they switch the box then Roberto comes in and see a light that shrunk the box so he go in for a closer look and see the crew.

Roberto: What the hell are you doing here oh well I will just have to crush you then.

Before Roberto could crush them he grabbed the box and looked in side.

Roberto: Hey this no the bodies that I bought to stab what is in here any way.

The Crew: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Roberto put his hand in the box and there was nothing in it.

Roberto: Hey there is nothing in there!

Leela: What if that’s not the parabox then were is it!

They all look at Bender

Bender: What I didn't take it I swear.

Then they look at the other bender.

Bender B: Don’t look at me if that bender didn't take it why would I were just the same.

Leela B: Well if you don't have it then who dose?

Leela: Well I didn't take it must be the only one left.

They all look at the Fry's. Then they realize that fry is to stupid to have it.

Roberto: Now I am going to kill you "HAHAHAHAHAHA"

Fry: Now what Leela. He says in a wordy voice.

Leela: Leela B go up to the ray gun and fire at him when he gets closer.

Leela B Run to the ray gun and as Roberto gets closer they soot at him but it doses work.

Leela B: It didn't work now what!

Leela: We will have to make a safaris.
TheLesbianLeela

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #10 on: 09-11-2004 09:23 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by my good friend germanfryfan:
Also how you held the tension high in the very end, making your audience wait for more is pretty well done!
I have to agree with what gff wrote above  smile

Keep on the good artwork  smile
I hope there'll be another chapter of the story soon  smile
Futurama Freak1

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #11 on: 09-17-2004 16:12 »

Thanks TLL the next chapter is the last chapter and I dont like it very much if any one want me to post it please tell me I know TLL and gff like my episode I dont know if any one else does but thanks agien TLL and gff! smile
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