Cynical Evaluations of Cinema: Movie Reviews

[Reply #360 on:]

Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

Absolutely fantastic, would recommend this to anyone and everyone. It's emotional, believable and even the couple of bits that seem really far-fetched manage to become realistic purely because of the way the time line is. It doesn't feel rushed, and the care they put into creating these characters is clear.

Caesar is amazing, and I will forever bow down to Andy Serkis for his ability to make motion capture work so well. The man is a friggin' genius with the way he moves.

Absolutely amazing, rather hope they do another one, actually.

A

[Reply #361 on:]

Precious

Absolutely. Brilliant.

I came into this movie not really expecting to see anything specific--I barely knew the premise. In fact, my sister was just watching it in the room as I was cleaning. But quickly, I became glued to the screen.

Precious revolves around an illiterate, obese, teenager on the streets of Harlem. She is abused by her mother and is raped by her father. She is about to have her second child. This film was grim. It was horrifying. It was scary. It was these things because of the mature situations that were presented in the film. To think of a teenager going through that is almost impossible for me to imagine. When there was tension, it was obvious. And you felt it. Emotionally, I was invested in this movie.

I would recommend this movie, hands down. While grim, it does carry on a feeling of hope, and definitely opens one's eyes to things that go unnoticed. The acting was phenomenal, cinematography was excellent...I didn't see anything wrong.

A+

[Reply #362 on:]

When you have a film as ham-fisted as Precious, whether it's a good movie or not depends completely on whether it's well directed and acted, which Precious is, so it succeeded as a film in my opinion.

A movie like that that is badly directed and/or acted is one of the worst things imaginable, though.

[Reply #363 on:]

Frankly, I thought Precious was horrendously directed. It was gritty and down to Earth one minute, then it threw these bizarre directorial flourishes out of nowhere and none of them gelled with anything. But then, I wasn't a fan of the film in general.


Due Date

This film splits the difference between 'The Hangover' and 'The Hangover: Part II' for quality. It's sporadically funny, but that's all mixed in with "LOOK IT'S ZACH GALIFIANAKIS!" moments and things that are just crude for the sake of being crude.

Watch 'Planes, Trains & Automobiles' instead -it's the same film except the characters are more likeable and it's a much better movie.

5/10


Teeth

To give the film credit, it has a fairly unique premise and as such, is actually quite original which is more than I can say about a lot of films. That said, the premise is stupid and the film doesn't really make it work. It ends up being an uneasy mixture of coming of age / sexual drama, horror film and comedy -none of the elements of which really 'fire' properly.

4/10


Glorious 39

An incredibly bland film for the first hour and a half or so, before it finally gets going and turns into a bizarre conspiracy-based thriller, bordering on horror territory. The first hour and a half are essentially pointless and the last 45 minutes are just ridiculous and overblown.

It's a bit shit, basically.

3/10


Rocky II

This was a surprisingly enjoyable film. For the first hour or so, I was enjoying it more than the first film, in fact -it's just a shame that towards the end it gets bogged down in 'the fight' and becomes a carbon copy of the end of the first film.

Still, it's not bad and that first hour is excellent.

6/10


Near Dark

Fairly standard vampire fare, offering nothing that you can't find done better, elsewhere, but a reasonably competent film all the same. I mean, it isn't boring.

Still, you're better off something like 'The Lost Boys'.

6/10


Troll

Despite technically having nothing to do with the anti-masterpiece that is 'Troll 2', this film is easily the 2nd funniest 'so bad it's good' movie I've seen. It's not as consistently hilarious, but it still has incredible moments such as an old woman asking a young boy if he "popped his cookie" when returning from the toilet. The film is complete and utter bullshit, but it's well worth watching for those little moments, the oddly fantastic score and the fact that the main character is called Harry Potter (this film predates those other Harry Potter books, for the record).

3/10


The Inbetweeners Movie

It's pretty much exactly what you'd expect from 'The Inbetweeners Movie'. If you think that 'The Inbetweeners' is one of the greatest things on television, then you'll think that this film is a comedy masterpiece. If you think that 'The Inbetweeners' takes television to new lows, then you'll hate this. Personally, my opinion (the correct opinion) is that 'The Inbetweeners' is a funny and very enjoyable show despite not being particularly clever or trying anything new. The film is basically just an extended episode set abroad which feels like it's pandering to fans a lot less than the third series but also manages to be somehow slightly less consistently funny.
It's full of funny moments, but it's also full of jokes that are just shit so it all cancels out.

Other positives:
You can tell that they at least tried to make it more than an extended episode.
Jay isn't a parody of himself anymore like he was in series 3.
The female characters added to the mix are every bit as developed and well written as the main boys - in fact, if anything, they're more developed and better written. More likeable too.
Some parts are incredibly well observed and others are very funny.
ANTHONY FUCKING HEAD makes a cameo.

Other negatives:
Whoever plays Simon is a terrible actor and it really shows given his role in this film.
Simon himself is a complete cretin throughout the film which is weird given that he was probably the character with the most common sense in the show.
Parts are very predictable, or just overtly crude, or simply not funny.
A lot of great ideas and moments don't seem to be used as much as they should have -they just sort of pop up, then dissappear again.
With them going abroad, we don't see much of some of the show's best characters: Neil's dad, Jay's dad and sadly: Mr. Gilbert, the show's best character, is criminally under-used (although the few moments he has are gold). Frankly, they should have made a Mr. Gilbert movie instead.


So yeah. It's sort of like if 'The Hangover: Part II' had some funny bits. And was British. It's not great, but it's miles ahead of that film.

6/10


Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Given that all 4 of the 'Planet of the Apes' sequels and the Tim Burton remake are absolute crap, it's quite remarkable that not only is this film not crap -it's actually very good.
It reminded me of 'Captain America' in that it's incredibly silly but simply really good fun if you're willing to go with it. The ape-characters are all (surprisingly) very well defined and developed, and by the end, you root for them to overthrow humanity. The human characters are less well defined, but if you accept it as more of a modern day B-movie, then it works -that is, except for Draco Malfoy's character, who is horribly one-dimensional and obviously exists purely as a plot device to turn Caesar, the lead ape, against humans.
The special effects are breath-taking. It's the best CGI I have ever seen and the darker scenes looked photo-realistic at times. What's more impressive though, is that these CGI apes have so much character. Motion-capture is known for horribly, dead-eyed characters such as those seen in Robert Zemeckis' films, but here the apes give better performances than some of the humans. It's remarkable.
There are countless little nods to the original film that are all great for fans too -that is except for when Malfoy says the "Get your stinking paw off me you damn dirty ape!" line which is just horrifically out of character and crow-barred in for the sake of it. The reason that that moment sticks out in my mind is that the moment that follows it, really upset me. As did when said moment was repeated towards the end. It completely defied the logic of the world created (I know that super-intelligent chimps aren't realistic, but that's established as part of the science-fiction of the world, so it's different). Anyway, I won't go on about it too much as I don't want to spoil it, but just know that I have to pretend that these 2 small moments didn't happen in order to enjoy the film. But I do enjoy the film, very much so. It's a nice character based drama that slowly dissolves into full-on spectacle which is alright by me. I can't wait for the inevitable sequel to see where they take things, even though I already know how the story unfolds. In fact -it's odd really, because with this being something of a prequel, I knew all of the plot beats as they happened prior to seeing the film, but it still worked brilliantly.

So yes. Very enjoyable despite being quite stupid here and there. Certainly highly recommended for fans of the franchise.

8/10


The Innocents

I recently saw 'The Haunting', was very impressed, and sought this out as a similar film. Sadly, it can't even hold a candle to that film. It's equally, if not more, modern-feeling, but that's really all I can say for it. It has creepy children, but they're not really... creepy. Not much of it is. And sadly, the whole thing is quite dull, although it does have a few nice scenes -mostly towards the end.

6/10

[Reply #364 on:]

Given that all 4 of the 'Planet of the Apes' sequels...are absolute crap

No they're not. Go rewatch Escape and tell me that again.

[Reply #365 on:]

Crazy Stupid Love

This movie has a really good cast that totally goes to waste; all the characters are transparent and worthy of an eye roll or two (particularly Ryan Gosling's). There are some funny moments (mostly courtesy of Emma Stone, who was surprisingly my favorite part of the movie), and a couple of really great emotional scenes between Steve Carell and Julianne Moore (the latter of whom is waaay underused)--but overall it's overlong and underdeveloped and pretty meandering, plot-wise. There's also an idiotic twist towards the end that makes a degree of sense in context, but just causes the remainder of the movie to be really freaking irritating.

2.5/5

[Reply #366 on:]

The Inbetweeners Movie
Our four tragic anti-heroes go on holiday to Malia to get drunk and chase girls.
In the case of Simon his recent ex, Carly, shows up so he spends the whole time fawning over her and planning to get back together.
However they meet four girls and begin to have adventures with them.

Truly the Kevin and Perry Go Large (which I haven't seen) of the decade, or The Hangover British teenager style.

Some good laughs, the comedy from the series is retained.
B-

[Reply #367 on:]

Loaded 1994

A movie were you want for something big to happen and it never does. Just winey emos running around doing acid.

[Reply #368 on:]

The reason that that moment sticks out in my mind is that the moment that follows it, really upset me. As did when said moment was repeated towards the end. It completely defied the logic of the world created... I have to pretend that these 2 small moments didn't happen in order to enjoy the film.

I know what moments you mean.
I just wonder why? I mean... I thought it was marvellously creepy and awesome, the way it was done. Are you talking about

Show spoiler

the supposed inability for apes to mimic human speech with their ape vocal chords?

Because if so, I'd point out that

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he didn't actually sound human.

[Reply #369 on:]

Hmm. Nailed it. That's a very good point and I'm going to cling to it like a life-preserver.

[Reply #370 on:]

Once Upon a Time in the West
I watched this in 720p and wow it looks great, Henry Fondas blue eyes are so sparkly dreamy!
Ok, enough gayness, this is an epicly shot Sergio Leone western, I loved it right from the opening scene of three rough cowboys waiting for a train to come in using wide and close shots and minimal repetitive sounds to create a tense atmosphere, then the train arrives and oh shit it's Charles Fucken Bronson!
We also see the lovely Claudia Cardinale also arriving by train and when she isn't met by her new husband at the train station and she finds that her new family have all been killed by more rough cowboys, she inherits the land they owned, which is right in the path of the new railroad being built.
The badguy cowboys are trying to scare anyone off the land but Charles Bronsons "Harmonica" character intervenes as he has an untold beef with the badguy leader (Henry Fonda).
He also gets help from a local bandit called Cheyenne who's pretty cool.

Excellent western, Ennio Morricones score is fantastic too.
A

Machete Maidens Unleashed!
A documentary about the B-movie film industry in the Philippines starting in the 50s.
Hollywood producers were attracted there by cheap labour, local dictators willing to lend their whole armies as extras, beautiful women, disposable stuntmen, secret agent midgets (Weng Weng! ) and jungle backdrops to shoot horrors like Beast of Blood, sexy women in prison films like The Big Doll House (where Pam Grier got her start), and kung fu afro blaxploitation films like TNT Jackson.
There's also a brief part about Apocolypse Now and the trouble Francis Ford Coppola had making it there.
Interviews with Roger Corman, John Landis and several actresses, most of whom got their T&A out in the films mentioned.
Pretty good, lots of boobs, blood and beasts (aka "the three Bs").
B+

[Reply #371 on:]

Ennio Morricones score is fantastic too.

When is it ever not?
If you sucked that man's cock, I bet you'd get a pretty good note out of it.

That was a pretty cool movie. GB&U is still my favourite though.

[Reply #372 on:]

Stiletto
Cheesy female assassin seeks revenge on gangsters story, but it has Stana Katic as the sexy killer (Kelly Hu and Michelle Lombardo are also sexy in it)
Tom Berenger and Michael Biehn play two of the gangsters.
D+

Source Code (aka Quantum Groundhog Day Leap On A Train! )
Not bad, Jake Gyllenhaal wasn't too annoying, he plays an ex-helicopter pilot who must find the bomber of a train using the Source Code which recreates the last 8 mins of the memory of a passenger who already died on the train.
I'm glad it's decent because it means Duncan Jones can make more films, and hopefully that will mean Mute will be awesomer.
C+

[Reply #373 on:]

I Love You Phillip Morris
I just watched this on Netflix today. Jim Carrey found a role that emphasizes his best characteristics- he has some comic moments reminiscent of Liar, Liar, and at other times he surprised me with his dramatic acting. Ewan McGregor's character, while a little overshadowed by Jim Carrey's , is an adorable teddy bear.
In the end, this was an excellent movie, although it featured the most twisted and  emotionally manipulative relationship I've ever seen on film. Also, this was apparently based on a true story.
A

[Reply #374 on:]

Chain Letter

Did this movie just Troll me?

[Reply #375 on:]

Just realized I hadn't gotten around to writing this up yet, so...

Battle for the Planet of the Apes

Not much to say here other than this is not a very good film. Definitely the worst of the Apes sequels.

The shame here is that this film was a perfectly good opportunity to complete the cyclical storyline that was being set up by the previous sequels. They had the chance to bridge Conquest with the original film, and they completely squandered it. Instead, they basically just redid Beneath on a smaller scale (and a smaller budget).

Unlike any of the other sequels, this film has nothing new to offer to the franchise. There's no new moral message that isn't copied and pasted from the previous films, the acting is subpar, the story is phoned in. What bugs me a lot about this film is that they leave the one thing about the franchise that had yet to be explained, which is how humans came to be primitive and mute, unexplained. They do nothing to address that question.

The worst part of the movie is the absymal opening and closing narration. It's the worst kind of corny, it's flat, and it's dressed up...trying to sound meaningful when there is no meaning in the words.

A shame the original series of films ended on this note, when they could have done so much better.

C-

[Reply #376 on:]

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

This film is amazing with a great story line and the apes are great to watch.

Glee The 3D Concert Movie

Love it!! Was singing along to the songs

The Inbetweeners Movie

Love it and it was really fuuny. I loved the boys and the girls they hooked up with are great too.

[Reply #377 on:]

The Village

Holy hell, M. Night. I have seen a handful of his other movies (The Sixth Sense, Signs) and they always have me staring at the screen in suspense. I love thrillers...so naturally I loved this one. While it was weird (as all his movies are) it was definitely attention grabbing. I didn't think that I'd like it. I honestly didn't see the twist at the end. At. All. But anyway, it was one of my favorite movies of his, even though a lot of people apparently hated it. It still had it's flaws, and the end wasn't as exciting as it could have been...the twist just happened and then it ended.

I'm terrible at reviews.

I give it an A-.

[Reply #378 on:]

I was one of the few people who liked The Village. Didn't love it...but liked it.

Oddly I haven't seen any of his movies after that one, but apparently I've missed absolutely nothing.

[Reply #379 on:]

I thought that the

Show spoiler

fake

monster was quite creepy-looking in that.

[Reply #380 on:]

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
I said "ok that's stupid" several times during this movie, but I didn't hate it that much (my expectations were lowered going in).
What was up with Barbossa's face?
At least the cinematography was ok, and Ian McShane was good. And Penelope Cruz's cleavage (she can't speak English too well so I refuse to look at her mouth, ha!)
That thing with the mermaids and the priest: weird.

C-

[Reply #381 on:]

I thought that the

Show spoiler

fake

monster was quite creepy-looking in that.

I was reminded of this movie when Saw came out, I feel like the monsters look a lot alike.

[Reply #382 on:]

I thought it was creepiest when

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it was running at Ivy in the woods, after her dad said they were all fake and stuff. The way it barely made a sound and just bolted for her was scary. Made you wonder if it were real. Of course it just turned out to be Noah, which was freaky in it's own right.

But yeah, the monster was scary.

[Reply #383 on:]

WALL.E

Finally got round to seeing this and it didn't disappoint. Totally endearing, unbelievably cute touching in the extreme and very uplifting. Possibly a new favourite animated movie of all time.

A++

Also, WALL.E is a Mac.

[Reply #384 on:]

Take Me Home Tonight
Very much a throwback 80's style movie about Topher Grace trying to hookup with his highschool crush (Teresa Palmer) at a reunion party, only he was a loser in highschool, and still is now, so he has to pretend he's a corporate banker to win her.
Dan Fogler plays his recently fired on-a-drunken-bender friend and Anna Faris his is his sister who is getting married to the classic dumb jock guy. Also Michael Biehn as his tough cop dad!
Pretty funny at times, mostly Dan Fogler going crazy.
B-

Thor
I liked the light bridge thing with Stringer Heimdall and when Thor gets Mjolnir back, but the rest was only ok, nothing amazing.
C+

[Reply #385 on:]

Fright Night (2011)

A fun vampire romp. Love David Tennet and Anton Yelchin they make a great team. I could nit-pick but overall it is a fun and funny movie with plenty of violence to satisfy the gore-hounds.

A-

[Reply #386 on:]

Oh I forgot I managed to squeeze in a Will Ferrell movie at the weekend too:
Everything Must Go
Our man Ferrell mentioned above has a drinking problem and gets fired from his job, and on returning home finds all his stuff out on his lawn and his house locked and wife has left him, so he chugs beer on his lawn, meets local kid and hires him to watch and sell his stuff (in a yard sale).
He also meets a new neighbour, to confide in, but sees her turning out like his wife (her husband is away on business while she stays at home pregnant).
It's all a bit silly but at least it's not Ferrells hyper-comedy that can be annoying sometimes, more of a "dramedy".
C

[Reply #387 on:]

The Inbetweeners Movie

Wasn't expecting much since I heard many people say it's repetitive and just the same as the series, but it was great! Awesome jokes and whatnot, I was laughing almost all the time. If you are a fan of the series, GO SEE IT.

Eh, I don't do grades, so 9/10.

[Reply #388 on:]

How did you even get in...

[Reply #389 on:]

How did you even get in...

Pft, there were 12 year olds in there, maybe even younger. I think it's pretty easy to get in... My Mum was with me so that boosted my chances even more.

Also, some people on the cam mode on Omegle think I'm 18...

[Reply #390 on:]

How did you even get in...

Pft, there were 12 year olds in there, maybe even younger. I think it's pretty easy to get in... My Mum was with me so that boosted my chances even more.

Also, some people on the cam mode on Omegle think I'm 18...

Well honestly you're probably slightly more mature than the most of the people on Omegle...

@Nutmeg: It's easy enough to sneak into movies. Buy a ticket for a different show near the same time as what you really want to see and go in when it goes dark. Never done that but I know of plenty of colleagues that had when they were too young. Worst thing they'll do is kick you out.

[Reply #391 on:]

One-Sentence Reviews

Horrible Bosses
Fantastic comedy romp that only suffers from a lack of comedy.

The Hangover Part II
See: The Hangover (part 1).

Cowboys and Aliens
Every now and then a film comes along that makes you feel like a child again - a stupid child.

The Green Hornet
"OMG look, we're in 3D!!!!11!!1"

Red Hill
Film that tries to be dark and brooding and fails on account of being Australian, since Australian accents are hilarious even to Australians.

The King's Speech
N-n-n-nothing in-in-interesting e-ever h-h-h-h-happens in t-true stories b-because reality is b-b-b-boring.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes
One of the greatest apes-gaining-intelligence-and-rebelling-against-humans films ever made.

X-Men: First Class
23 continuity errors and counting!

Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Kaboom-blam-smash-kablammo peew-peew zoom-blam-boom snarky comments!!

Repo Men
Meh - saw it coming.

Pirates of the Carribean - On Stranger Tides
Could have saved a few hundred million dollars and just had Depp in-character as Sparrow doing a stand-up pirate comedy skit for two hours; it's all anybody really wants to see.

Unknown
Like The Bourne Identity, but substituting the coolness and charisma with the uncomfortable and disorienting presence of creepy old Liam Neeson.

The Adjustment Bureau
Fascinating initial premise spoiled by nonsensical religious buttfuckery.

Limitless
The plot and scope of this film is actually fairly limited.

Paul
It was okay.

Insidious
Creepy-as-fuck first half turns into over-the-top nonsense at the end.

Super 8
It was also okay.

Rango
Possibly great movie ruined for me because the sizes of the animals are all out of scale compared to each other - I hate that.

[Reply #392 on:]

Oh consarnit, I forgot to watch the rest of Rango, I thought it was pretty good starting off, there's even a Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas bit at the start, and possibly some other Depp reference...

[Reply #393 on:]

Well honestly you're probably slightly more mature than the most of the people on Omegle...

Thanks.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Was alright. Bit corny. But I enjoyed it. Ending was a bit naff. A few things that didn't get answered. But it was okay.

8/10

[Reply #394 on:]

Oh consarnit, I forgot to watch the rest of Rango, I thought it was pretty good starting off, there's even a Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas bit at the start, and possibly some other Depp reference...

The biggest problem with the movie was Rango. I liked everything else about it. The animation was better than Pixar's.

[Reply #395 on:]

Oh consarnit, I forgot to watch the rest of Rango, I thought it was pretty good starting off, there's even a Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas bit at the start, and possibly some other Depp reference...

The biggest problem with the movie was Rango. I liked everything else about it. The animation was better than Pixar's.

It was "better" because they used more realistic settings, characters, etc. and a new form of "motion capture" technology that works quite like Rotoscoping for 2D or rather it IS rotoscoping, but tweaked to be compatable with 3D works. Only reason it looked better. Not gonna say that makes it cheap by any means.

[Reply #396 on:]

Alpha and Omega

Came in known it was a shitty movie. I was shock to find out it was worse that that. The animation looked worse that the CGI PBS shows or PS2 game. It was like looking at a strobe light the whole time.  The story also blows! I don't know who the movie was made for kid, adults, furries, wolf f**ckers, who?

[Reply #397 on:]

The Sunset Limited
Based on a play written by Cormac McCarthy, starring Samuel L. Jackson and Tommy Lee Jones (also directed by Jones).
Named only as "Black" an "White" in the credits, Jones (White) plays an agnostic academic professor who tries to kill himself just before the movie starts.
Jackson (Black) plays a religious "old countryside nigger" workman who saves White and takes him back to his apartment to prevent him from further harming himself.
Both men are intelligent and discuss Whites problems, religion and each others lives with the goal of changing Whites mind to kill himself when he leaves.
It's shot in one room, both men sitting down or standing for an hour and a half (similar to 12 Angry Men only, well... 2 dudes), very heavy on dialogue but ultimately well done, not a popcorn movie however.
Jacksons acting is spot on, Jones has a great speech near the end too.
B+

[Reply #398 on:]

One-Sentence Reviews
*reviews*

You forgot Franklyn. Although to be honest I didn't quite fully understand that movie myself.

Little Shop Of Horrors (1986)
Somehow I hadn't seen this film before. Now I get references from other things!
Quite enjoyable, I must say. Rick Moranis as Rick Moranis. Steve Martin as a psycho. Whole lot of familiar stars. Couldn't help but see Herbert from Family Guy singing Somewhere That's Green. Hah. I may even watch it again..

Cowboys and Aliens
I didn't find this as lame as I thought it was going to be.

Horrible Bosses
It was alright. I guess. Probably something better left for watching on DVD rather than going to the movies. But it's too late for that now!

Bad Teacher
As above.

[Reply #399 on:]

I disagree some of the new films would be better on DVD, I think they're much better with an audience, and other peoples laughter (if any) infects you more.
Try watch The Hangover on your own.... :|
Poker face!