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Author Topic: Cynical Evaluations of Cinema: Movie Reviews  (Read 26145 times)
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winna

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« on: 04-22-2011 19:56 »

Teeth

A young promise ringer goes to visit a dentist one day where she has incestuous thoughts about her step-brother because their father had not beaten him enough as a child.  Several people smoke mariwannas with a cancer mom up until they eating a dog bone treat because the dog prefers to masticate with human genital.  All of a sudden with the help of a few rape, the movie goes on a roller coaster ride as she starts to vagina.  Then the movie ends with perverted old man driver.

D out of 5 stars - Would have been better if it had been made 40s year ago and MST3k had gotten a hold of it.
JoshTheater

Space Pope
****
« Reply #1 on: 04-22-2011 21:14 »

Hahaha, the fact that I've seen the movie means I was actually able to understand every word of that review. Brilliant, winna.
Xanfor

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« Reply #2 on: 04-22-2011 22:59 »

Dawn must have been doing some pretty strong Kegel exercises to build up her pelvic muscles to that extent. roll eyes
totalnerd undercanada

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« Reply #3 on: 04-23-2011 01:14 »

Hahaha, the fact that I've seen the movie means I was actually able to understand every word of that review. Brilliant, winna.

Ditto. That was an amazing review.
Tachyon

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« Reply #4 on: 04-23-2011 15:54 »

Dawn must have been doing some pretty strong Kegel exercises to build up her pelvic muscles to that extent. roll eyes



Pitt Clemens

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #5 on: 04-23-2011 20:28 »

Primer:

Because Inception wasn't convoluted enough.

C+
JoshTheater

Space Pope
****
« Reply #6 on: 04-23-2011 21:59 »

John Carpenter's The Thing

Why had I not seen this yet? This one goes up there with my favorite scifi and horror films. The makeup of the mutations are among the most creative I've ever seen, way grosser and more interesting looking than anything in any scifi or horror film from the past decade or so...face it Hollywood, CGI can look nice but it simply can't match the frightening gross-out appeal that real-life materials can when used creatively. I also like that none of the characters are inherently assholes, they all just act out from paranoia as any normal person would.

A-
winna

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« Reply #7 on: 04-24-2011 13:21 »

I'd give Primer a solid B, personally, Pitt.  Also, that movie came out 5 years before Inception... and yes... it is more convoluted.  The concept is rather novel, and the character interaction is actually more natural than you'd think... despite it coming off as a tad bit awkward.  The whole movie was put together by Aaron on something like a $10,000 budget.  For $10,000, he managed to do a better job with his camera work than most directors do with hundreds of millions of dollars.

Josh, I agree completely.  That movie is a ridiculously awesome cult classic.  I think somebody said that the franchise was possibly getting a reboot.... I don't know how I honestly feel about that though.
JoshTheater

Space Pope
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« Reply #8 on: 04-25-2011 07:59 »

Not a reboot, actually they're making a prequel to the 80's film, showing what happened originally with the Norwegians who discovered the ship. On one hand I think that's a great idea, on the other hand I have no idea who the people making it are capable of and they could just make a terrible movie.
Jezzem

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #9 on: 04-26-2011 09:05 »

Wow, it's been a while since I saw a movie at the ol' Cinema (the last time was 25th of september last year, according to my movie ticket pile), so I feel somewhat rusty at this whole "movie reviews" thing. Ah well...

Paul

This was actually kinda different to what I expected. But in a good way.

A or something...
~FazeShift~

Moderator
DOOP Ubersecretary
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« Reply #10 on: 04-26-2011 23:32 »

Sexy Beast
So ex London gangster Gal (Ray Winstone), his wife and his friends are living the retired good life in Spain, getting tans, hunting rabbit, dining out in fine restaurants... until current and utterly menacing gangster Don (Ben Kingsley) arrives to recruit him for a big job back in London for the big bossman Teddy Bess (an equally menacing Ian McShane).
In true gangster style everything goes pear shaped (i.e. bad).

Very stylish and Kingsley is fantastic.

B+
ilovebender.com

Professor
*
« Reply #11 on: 04-27-2011 00:47 »

Kidulthood (2006), reminded me of School laff

Too nitty gritty and Pinewood Studio for my tastes.

D
x.Bianca.x

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #12 on: 04-27-2011 06:17 »

The Birds

It was coolios period (laughs) (more laughs) okay now post it

uh what...eight/10
Spacedal11

Space Pope
****
« Reply #13 on: 05-07-2011 10:55 »
« Last Edit on: 05-07-2011 10:56 »

Thor

This film is so obviously a setup for the upcoming Avengers film, but this film literally hammers that fact into your conscious (pun intended).

A few things to point out and/or discuss:
-Kenneth Branaugh directed this, which is all sorts of awesome. I'm sad though that he had no cameo or any part in the actual movie, that would have made it amazing!
-Loki is the best character in the movie, just fantastic acting both as a hero and villain. That being said everyone is fine for their part, the actor who plays Thor is pretty good too.
-Natalie Portman and the other human characters are so pointless. Her story goes from pretty scientist to girl who wants to jump Thor's bones in like five seconds.
-What the fuck is with the 45 degree tilted camera angles. There were a dozen throughout the movie! It's not artsy if you just tilt your camera! It just looks stupid!
-This movie is super condensed but it worked.


It was meh. I'm more interested in Captain America. But I will admit that the film did do a good job at making me just want to watch the freaking Avengers movie rather than this mediocre film. Apparently it's getting good reviews. Really? It's not that good.

C
totalnerd undercanada

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« Reply #14 on: 05-07-2011 14:45 »

Well, now that I know it makes people want to watch the Avengers, I think it can't be all that bad. I wasn't very hopeful for Thor, but perhaps I'll go see it.

Tonight.
Bend-err

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« Reply #15 on: 05-07-2011 14:53 »

It's a fun movie.
any1else

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« Reply #16 on: 05-07-2011 16:51 »

It's a fun movie.
You thor it already?

Heh heh, geddit?

I've watched lotsa "new" movies lately. New to me. A whole lot of Star Trek ones (three or four?) that Coldy made me watch, but I can't really 'review' those since I don't remember which one's which. I wasn't entirely bored by them, and I had a good laugh when I recognised the woman from 7th Heaven. But it would be good if I could actually see the TV series at some point, even though Joel pretty much explained the backstory of everything while we were watching.

Last night I watched The Incredible Hulk complete with Tony Stark cameo. It was all very..actiony with explosions and roar and smash! I was getting annoyed at Liv Tyler every time she said "Bruce?" ever so softly...it seemed like they just recorded her saying it once and used that over and over again for all her lines. It probably is a better movie than Hulk that came out a few years earlier, since I'm sure I saw that version, but I don't remember any of it. I'll give this move 3 throbbing arm veins out of 5

This morning I watched The Castle of Cagliostro which was a lot of fun. Didn't even feel like it was made 32 years ago. Also much easier to catch onto the storyline, unlike the other anime film I watched this week, Akira, which I had to look up on the net to figure out what it was meant to be about. shifty
Cas of Cag: 4 wimpy girls out of 5
Akira: undefinable Mecha-Streisand

I followed that up with Total Recall, and although the dvd was scratched in a couple of places, I got the gist of it. Finally got to experience the 3-boob chick I've been hearing about for years. Heh, mindfuck. The eye-bulging special effects were very impressive, especially considering it was only 1990 laff I also noted Dollhouse must have stolen the main idea from this movie. And it's a pretty interesting idea to have built on, methinks. 4 busted eyeballs our of 5


Yeah, I haven't been to a cinema in a while. I'm having withdrawal and therefore watching too many dvds.
Bend-err

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« Reply #17 on: 05-07-2011 16:55 »

But but but, Akira has no Mechas! wink
Spacedal11

Space Pope
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« Reply #18 on: 05-07-2011 17:54 »

Well, now that I know it makes people want to watch the Avengers, I think it can't be all that bad. I wasn't very hopeful for Thor, but perhaps I'll go see it.

Tonight.

I walked away from this movie feeling really bad for the fans of Thor because this movie was definitely the cliffnotes of the comics just so we know who he is for the Avengers movie. That's the best way for me to describe it, though I will note that it is a decent flick, nothing to write home about but decent enough.
tyraniak

Urban Legend
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« Reply #19 on: 05-08-2011 21:43 »

I'd give Thor a C+/B- and agree that Loki steals the show
Bend-err

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« Reply #20 on: 05-08-2011 21:53 »

tyraniak: so does Heimdallr though, he kicks ass.



It's a fun movie.
You thor it already?

Ya, I did.
Otis P Jivefunk

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« Reply #21 on: 05-09-2011 13:38 »

Up

This was the only Pixar movie I hadn't seen. I watched it last night, and it didn't disappoint. I wasn't sure what to expect really, but after a sad beginning it got a lot funnier and more light hearted. I really enjoyed the characters interaction, especially Kevin. The animation was top quality, the detail supreme. I never got tired of seeing that house floating about in the air.

9/10
hobbitboy

Sir Rank-a-Lot
Urban Legend
***
« Reply #22 on: 05-10-2011 10:45 »

Russell: Mr Fredricksen, am I supposed to dig the hole before or after?
Carl: Eurgh—It's none of my concern.
Russell: Oh… It's before.

Don't hate me, Trinity.  I'm just the messenger.
Morgan_G19

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #23 on: 05-10-2011 12:38 »

I walked away from this movie feeling really bad for the fans of Thor because this movie was definitely the cliffnotes of the comics just so we know who he is for the Avengers movie. That's the best way for me to describe it, though I will note that it is a decent flick, nothing to write home about but decent enough.

My friend who is a big fan of Thor really enjoyed the movie and he's been reading the comics since.... late 80s? Of course not all the information were accurate but nonetheless, he was fine with it.
Melllvar

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« Reply #24 on: 05-10-2011 23:01 »

As an avid follower of all things Kermodian...  How would one condense the following Roger Corman quote into a thread title for the next one of these?

Quote
There is no movie that would not benefit from losing 20 minutes of its running time, and the insertion of an an exploding helicopter shot.

Meanwhile, it's been a while since I've seen anything new...  I keep watching old DVDs...  So here's my top ten from last year:

1. Scott Pilgrim Vs The World
2. Kick-Ass
3. Inception
4. Four Lions
5. Adventures Of Power
6. Toy Story 3
7. Rush: Beyond The Lighted Stage
8. American: The Bill Hicks Story
9. The Infidel
10. Despicable Me
Spacedal11

Space Pope
****
« Reply #25 on: 05-12-2011 06:34 »

I walked away from this movie feeling really bad for the fans of Thor because this movie was definitely the cliffnotes of the comics just so we know who he is for the Avengers movie. That's the best way for me to describe it, though I will note that it is a decent flick, nothing to write home about but decent enough.

My friend who is a big fan of Thor really enjoyed the movie and he's been reading the comics since.... late 80s? Of course not all the information were accurate but nonetheless, he was fine with it.

Fair enough, I haven't read Thor but that was the impression I got. I suppose an avid reader would have a much more superior opinion on the matter than me.
totalnerd undercanada

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« Reply #26 on: 05-12-2011 20:35 »

Treated myself to the cinema twice this week. Thor yesterday, and Attack the Block today.

Thor was a brilliant effects movie, but I have to say I'd have preferred more character driven scenes - although Loki was brilliantly developed, everybody else seemed a little like a cardboard cut-out at times.
Also, Antony Hopkins did a decent job as Odin, Sean Bean would have done a better one though.

The 3D really isn't worth the extra though. The 2D version would be my reccomendation.

Attack The Block was a great film - mindless violence against a genuinely menacing alien menace in a South London tower block... and a surprising ending. Couple of little touches really made the film for me. The kids that attack one of the monsters with a super soaker, and the scene where Nick Frost's character delivers a nice little well-done speech at the beginning.
The cinema was nowhere near full, but it got hard to hear at a couple of points because people were dying of laughter.

All in all, money well spent, I think.
Nutmeg1729

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #27 on: 05-12-2011 20:42 »

Thor-I pretty much agree with tnuk's evaluation. The only things I would really change about the entire movie is less lovey-dovey staring at each other, and more action, drama, Loki and fighting.

The fights that did happen were well done, goal driven, and I love the fact that Loki is actually an antagonist that you can somewhat sympathise with. Always overshadowed by his older brother, and then he finds out
.

Saw it in 2D, didn't really see any parts where the 3D would be that pronounced, apart from the travelling between realms, I guess.


Tron-Finally saw this, and I actually kinda liked it. It was the new version, not the original, and although I felt the story was a bit slow paced at times, I really enjoyed the bad guys, the twists for some of the characters, and Sam is pretty hot, so I had someone to look at.

Also has a fantastic soundtrack, and so much neon you're wondering when the disco is going to start. Pretty solid, would definitely watch it again!

Also, bonus points for the hinted romance between the main male and female, but not actually having anything happen beyond a few sweet moments!
homerjaysimpson

Space Pope
****
« Reply #28 on: 05-12-2011 21:01 »

Horsemen

Come and see, emo Jesus. One night only! Be there!

2 horsesh!ts up!
JoshTheater

Space Pope
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« Reply #29 on: 05-12-2011 21:35 »

It was the new version

You mean sequel? tongue
totalnerd undercanada

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« Reply #30 on: 05-13-2011 02:40 »

Thor-I pretty much agree with tnuk's evaluation. The only things I would really change about the entire movie is less lovey-dovey staring at each other, and more action, drama, Loki and fighting.

Four ingredients all films need more of. Action, drama, Loki and fighting.
Nutmeg1729

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #31 on: 05-13-2011 02:41 »

It was the new version

You mean sequel? tongue

I've never seen the original, I had no idea if it was a remake or a sequel.
Shut up.
totalnerd undercanada

DOOP Ubersecretary
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« Reply #32 on: 05-13-2011 02:47 »

It was the new version

You mean sequel? tongue

I've never seen the original,

Dear Nutmeg:

This is a problem. Fix it.

Love, tnuk.
Nutmeg1729

Urban Legend
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« Reply #33 on: 05-13-2011 02:49 »

I will, over the summer when I have time.

Melllvar

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« Reply #34 on: 05-13-2011 09:21 »
« Last Edit on: 05-13-2011 09:22 »

Agreed, see both together...  Me and Donna sat down one Saturday and did just that.  I white liked the second one, the problem was that the effect for Clu was so unconvincing.  As soon as they can do virtual mouths properly then they should revisit making The Dude younger.
~FazeShift~

Moderator
DOOP Ubersecretary
**
« Reply #35 on: 05-14-2011 22:59 »

Tucker & Dale vs. Evil
Excellent horror comedy spoof about two decent hillbillies (Tyler Labine and Alan Tudyk) who go up to their newly bought cabin for some fishing and relaxation when a bunch of college kids camping nearby mistake them for homicidal maniacs and things escalate when the kids start dying in hilariously gorey accidents.
Katrina Bowden (this years Esquire Magazine's Sexiest Woman Alive love) also stars.

B+
totalnerd undercanada

DOOP Ubersecretary
**
« Reply #36 on: 05-15-2011 00:27 »

Sounds promising. I may accquire this before I go to sleep.
hobbitboy

Sir Rank-a-Lot
Urban Legend
***
« Reply #37 on: 05-15-2011 11:28 »

Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil

As someone who really enjoyed the original I went into this one hoping that… well I don't know what I was hoping for, actually. But, alas, whatever it was I didn't get it.

This movie is missing the charm and wit of its predecessor. The characters from the first film seem to have been somewhat flanderized in this one, possibly by the inclusion of a 'moral' (which Hoodwinked! was mercifully without). The storyline is conventional and formulaic and the references to the previous movie are half-hearted and mostly token in nature.

It seems that in the process of trying to avoid/fix the faults of Hoodwinked! the film makers have managed to lose its character and uniqueness.

This is not a terrible movie as such but I'm only giving it a C–.

I really hope this doesn't set the trend for Cars 2.

Don't hate me, Trinity.  I'm just the messenger.
totalnerd undercanada

DOOP Ubersecretary
**
« Reply #38 on: 05-16-2011 01:41 »

Tucker & Dale vs. Evil
Excellent horror comedy spoof about two decent hillbillies (Tyler Labine and Alan Tudyk) who go up to their newly bought cabin for some fishing and relaxation when a bunch of college kids camping nearby mistake them for homicidal maniacs and things escalate when the kids start dying in hilariously gorey accidents.
Katrina Bowden (this years Esquire Magazine's Sexiest Woman Alive love) also stars.

B+

Very, very, very amusing. Loved in particular the replacement fingers.
totalnerd undercanada

DOOP Ubersecretary
**
« Reply #39 on: 05-18-2011 07:55 »

=[BUMP]=

Boy Eats Girl

Irish zombie comedy starring Samantha Mumba. Better than it sounds. There were a couple of decent laughs, there was a lot of gore, and it was overall a slick and polished film. Could maybe have done with a little nudity. There were several girls who would almost certainly have added a lot of value to the film by taking their clothes off...

...but I guess you can't have everything, can you?
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