All this talk about Christmas specials has put me in the mood. So after watching Hogfather (which was good) I went onto YouTube and searched for some Holiday classics.
One was them was the Star Wars Holiday Special. Oh sweet merry jesus, I decided to watch. So I present to ye!
Nurdbots Review of the Star Wars Holiday Special: A Very Wookiee Christmas!It's a well known fact Star Wars carries a balanced awesome to suck ratio, like everything else in this universe it has a crappy shady side to it's past.
For example, comparing the Original Films from the late seventies to the mid eighties to the Prequals that were recently made.
But each film had some good points and bad (for example, In Return of the Jedi: Bitching Space Battle versus Ewoks). And this little thing doesn't stop at the movies.
It carries into all mediums of the Expanded Universe. For example, compare the game Knights Of The Old Republic to Star Wars Galaxies or the original Jedi Knight to Jedi Knight Academy.
Lets get this straight and to the point. There is yet anything to balance this made for TV special. Oh, there is a TV Series spin off of the Star Wars movies being planned which I expect will be decent enough, but for if somebody says Star Wars and TV in the same sentence this will come to mind.
Okay, lets begin. Oh no. A Narrator and cheesy seventies TV introduction. I have a bad feeling about this. Holy shit, R2-D2 as R2-D2! Really? well, you have me sold. Note Mark Hamil's ghoulish appearance due to the fact an assload of make up is hiding a scar from a car accident.
Argh, Stock Footage! What the hell has happened to the Falcon Cockpit? I can swear it looks like a couple of Laz-E-Boys and cardboard props thrown together in somebodies garage.
Awww, Chewbacca has a family. And he wants to be with them on lifeday. Tough. Chewwie should have read the small print when joining the freaking Rebel Alliance against the Empire. Goddamn you Chewbacca, what about the lowly Wookiees and other soldiers in the Alliance ranks? Will THEY get to see their families this Lifeday?
Speaking of which, we cut to the family right now. Incidently, so not a matte painting. This is one of the most painful moments of the thing folks. We have 7 minutes of three idiots just miming badly and grunting.
I mean, were subtitles too expensive of something? did Jefferson Starship put that much of a strain on the budget?
We see Malla (Mrs Chewbacca) Itchy (Chewbaccas dad) and Lumpy (Son of Chewbacca) by the way. Yeah, I know. The nicknames suck.
Also, apparently Wookiee women have no lib. Lumpy and his grand daddy, Itchy are both lazy lazy bastards. It's amazing how Wookiees live almost like us isn't it? I mean, they even have to do the dishes!
Malla growls and whines at Lumpy to do the goddamn dishes.
To make sure Malla doesn't snap and rip out her irrating offsprings throat in a bloody Wookiee rage which would make this thing awesome, Itchy distracts Lumpty with a holoshow on the same type of table that was used in ANH for the holochess game.
We watch through Lumpy as men and women jump and perform stuff usually seen only in Circus tents. At this point, you are wondering like I was what the hell I was doing watching this and checking to see how much time so far has been eaten.
Lumpy of course, finds this thing awesome. The low IQ and how it makes every day a funtastic experince!
Malla gets pissed at the fact the men of this house are fucking around and doing nothing so she asks her son to take out the rubbish. Lumpy, refuses and is instantly and bloodily disembowelled and served up to Chewbacca later on in the evening.
Nah, sorry. After a tense Wookiee argument of ROAAARH and GRRRROWAH he loses and takes the Rubbish bin out. Outside the house, we see Lumpy peer over the railing to the deep drop below. Wookiees live in tree houses that kick Ewoks houses asses I might add.
Shortly, he climbs onto the railing and parades about on it a bit. Go on kids, try it! It's fun!
Sadly, the Wookiee version of Natural Selection does not come into play and we don't watch the tubby little furball plummet to his doom. We cut back inside and see Malla fiddling about with what seems to be an ancient computer. Which scans the area for ships in a simple low tech way.
To get such an effect, get your screen saver menu up. Find the scrolling one and type in 'Searching Entire Area for Ships'. There ya go. Now imagine a blocky more seventies version of this.
Malla is sad her slab of hair 'n' beef ain't back yet and laments with his equally suffering dad. Itchy, quickly tiring of his sad sack of a daugher in law decides to uncover the hidden HoloNet terminal in the book shelf and contact....
AUGH, KILL IT! KILL IT! Sorry. This was my main reaction when I saw Mark Hamil seconds later. The fake grin isn't helping Mark. Anyway, Luke Skywalker is having 'hilarious' banter with R2 when he gets the call from the Bacca Family. I think he's fixing a bad prop which is suppose to be part of his X-Wing.
Banter follows, which confuses the crap out of me. Apparently Luke can understand the Bacca family for a few seconds, and then have to resort to bad miming to figuire out the rest of the conversation. During this, he doesn't pay attention to his bad Jedi-esqe repair skills and causes smoke to leak from the bad X-Wing prop.
He of course, blames R2. Get used to this sort of comedy, because this is as good as it is going to get folks. Luke confirms that Han and Chewbacca left some time ago and they should be there now. Unless they have run into stock footage!
He then creepily comes onto the saddened Mala and asks her to smile. I know this is suppose to be good natured and all, But to me it looks like Luke Skywalker likes them hairy. This is the first sign of the creepy Wookiees/Humans fetish thing to come.
Mala decides to also harass Art Carney who plays a bumbing comic relief Trader via the ancient computer screen. Saun Dann (Carney) annoys the crap out of an Imperial Guard who is browsing the mans wares. That Guard must be the most patient man in the world, Since Dann Carney's comic babbling sales pitches along with the cringe worthy cheap items you'd see in the back of old comic books would have ended his part in the special with a few blaster bolts to the face.
During this, he turns to the screen and gives Malla the worst ever secret message ever conceived. I'll transcribe the message to you as thus:
Saun: 'You're wondering whether that shaggy carpet you ordered will arrive at your home? Let me assure you madam, It's on it's way. You know, it was made especially for you by an old woman four planets away. She did it all by herself. Fact you might say she did it by Hand. Solo.'
If you discovered the hidden meaning, congratulations! You can join Rebel Alliance High Command. It's good to know that the Alliance will accept anybody for the cause. I keep picturing them using this guy as a Pilot for one of the more crappy ships in The Battle of Endor. Just for fun.
The Guard by the way, acts SINISTER. He talks AND walks SINISTER. He even has a SINISTER seventies Porn Star moustache. He finally shuts Saun Dann up by taking a groomer calculator thingy from him and GASP not paying! Oh the humanity!. I guess even SINISTER 'taches need a good Star Warsy cleaning device.
Whee! More stock footage time! Darth Vader is power walking with an Imperial Officer who to those who saw A New Hope, should be nothing but atoms floating through space. In fact, they don't make any matter at all to disguise this stock footage has stuff saved from the cutting room floor. Just a cheesy voice over from James Earl Jones. Incidently, Darth Vader said the word Households. This ranks #2 in worst things ever said by Vader, next to the word 'Padme'.
Mala, Now slightly hot over flirting with Luke Skywalker begins to make the Wookiee version of Christmas dinner. She turns on another view screen in the kitchen and begins watching some creepy four armed transvestite alien cook. I shudder when I remember another four armed alien cook, and weep.
Of course, things get too Whacky even for Malla who turns the thing off. She knows what to do anyway. Goddamn you Mala!
She then snap and commits Hari Kiri with one of those Wookiee spoons she wields. Nah, I'm kidding again.
If you get hot over stock footage, please leave the room. Han and Chewbacca have arrived in the Kashyssk system and discover the Imperial Stock Footage blockade. The most confusing thing is, we see shots of the gun turret shooting at TIE Fighers even through Han is with Chewbacca in the cockpit. An inventive writer saves the day from the lazy Producer and comes up with a concept of the guns being controlled from the cockpit.
He then forces then to go offline and force Han to man them. Oddly enough, we see no stock footage of Han shooting down the fighters from ANH. Weird. By the way, Kashyssk looks like Yavin IV with a green filter covering the entire thing. Did Art Carney really cost the budget that much?
Oh yay, back to the Bacca Family. Suddenly, an Imperial Officer appears on the ancient PC screen and woodenly announces not only a Blockade is in effect so no ship can come or go, but all your Rebel bases are belong to us.
Those EVIL LIFEDAY HATING IMPERIALS! Goddamn them and their cruelty. Stopping such vital Wookiee exports like fur and. And. Fur I guess. Oh no, a knock at the door! The Bacca family act badly, thinkinkg it could be that black furred Wookiee postman they don't like. But nah, It's just ole' whacky good hearted Suan Dann. Kill me.
And he has gifts! Bulky Seventies Futuristic Electronics! Happy Lifeday everybody! Creepily, he refuses to hand the goods over unless Mala give him a kiss. Mala, lonely from all those cold nights alone without her manbacca relents. Disturbing Wookiee/Human relations meter: 2.
Saun Dann, after getting his Wookiee lovin' hands out the presents. A Music Box to Mala, a Transmitter to Lumpy and something 'special' for Itchy and his VR chair. Things take a real creepy turn folk and we delve into the sordid dephs of Star Wars.
We see through the eyes of Itchy the image of a rather attractive skimpily dressed woman with a lovely singing voice. She creepily comes onto Itchy, telling him that she is his and all other crap. During this, we have creepy outside shots of Itchy as he reacts. Thankfully, we see nothing below his neck in these.
Goddamit Chewwie, what the FUCK is wrong with your family? No wonder fighting for the Rebel Alliance seems to be much more appealing for the big guy than spending time with these things. Disturbing Wookiee/Human relations meter: 3.
By the way, here is what the chick says to ole' Grandpappybacca:
"Am found in your eyes only eyes only. I am in your mind as you create me. Ohhh yes... I can feel my creation... Oh... oh... we are excited, aren't we? I'll tell you a secret... I find you adorable! I am your fantasy... I am your experience... so experience me. I am your pleasure... so enjoy me!"Most of those gaps were filled with flirty giggles and sensual moans. In my head, bow wow chikka wow wow kept playing. Damn aliens perverts need a good Stormtrooper boot up the backside just for the moral values. Kids were watching this thing!
Thankfully, we cut away from this Wookiee masturbation to something slightly less creepy. It's a 'cough' Secret Rebel Base. To me, it looks like a really bad set. Leia is thumping about on what looks and sounds like a frigging Typewriter!
Yeah. A Typewriter. With all these goddamn Terminals about too with keys, buttons and view screens. Oh, and C-3PO is in the same room. Apparently, he's made contact with the Bacca family for some insane reason. I do hope Leia asked the other Rebel Generals if it was alright to send Holiday wishes through the Secret Base HoloNet connection.
Maybe that is why she has a crappy Typewriter and such a crappy Office. No wonder the Empire always finds the bases of the frigging Alliance. By the way, Carrie Fisher looks REALLY high. I mean, she must have smoked an assload of Heroin before shooting her scenes. I can't blame her.
Malla pesters them about Chewbacca. Goddamit woman, they are trying to restore freedom to a fucking galaxy. Quit harassing them about your man. Who is she going to harass next? Maybe she has The Emperors number in her phone book.
Leia, carefully checking to see no Imperial Stormtroopers are in the same room as her, quickly tells Malla the same thing Luke told her. Well, that was useful. She also hears about the Blockade and asks Saun Dann has a fellow card carrying member of the Rebel Alliance to protect the Bacca Family.
Card Carrying? Good grief! Also, do a family of Wookiees really need to be protected? And by an old man in his sixties who showed us earlier with the SINISTER Imperial Guard to be also a complete coward. Maybe 'protect' is Alliance code for 'act as a blaster bolt shield'.
Once Leia closes the connection, Saunn begs Malla to give him a Wookiee-Cookie. Cringe.
Meanwhile, on the Millennium Garage! Han has noticed that the Empire has blockaded the fuzz planet and quickly after Chewbacca whines, bitches and moans, finds an easy solution. They simply have to land 'on the far side' of the planet and walk there. Chewbacca moans again, because despite what Han thinks, it will be a really long fucking walk.
Cut to the Bacca family! We get a shot of Lumpy, who goes all slackjawed hearing the sound of a ship and runs to the door. Of course, the little moron doesn't seem to think that anyone else might be flying a ship right about now and opens it to reveal...
Really bad extras! I mean, Stormtroopers. At this point, in cuts to the break. Cheap cliffhanger things like that really ruin what little immersion factor this thing has. When we come back, we see the small Imperial party enter the lounge of the Bacca Household.
This Patrol Consists of:
*Three Imperial Stormtroopers who can't even hold their goddamn guns properly. They hold the Imperial E11 Blasters by the energy pack on the side, as if it was a sten gun. A five minute clip to be shown to these guys from ANH was really too much for the budget.
*Two Imperial Officers, one of which looks too chubby to be intimidating.
*An Imperial Guard, possibly the SINISTER one who decided to shave off his porn star 'tache.
The Highest Ranking Officer there (the guy with most lines) orders his Stormtroopers about by snapping his fingers. Jesus, no wonder these guys lost to frigging Ewoks. It looks like the Alliance and Empire are equally and hilariously incompetent.
The Officer reports that this household (there it is again!) is missing the listed male and demands to know where he is. During this tirade, the SINISTER Guard creepily tries to get friendly with Lumpy. Of course, Lumpy may be a fuzzy retard, but he don't play that game mister. He along with the rest of the Bacca Family, roar viciously and move to suggest violence. Thus proving that lack of self survival in the Bacca family is a genetic trait after all.
Oh, and the Disturbing Wookiee/Human relations meter? It's now on 4.
The Chubby Officer orders the rest of his crew to search the place. They of course do, TV style. By tearing the place up and throwing the crap onto the floor. Not very organised at all. But what the hell, screw efficiency. THEY ARE EVIL!. Evil people aren't efficient.
Anyway, Saun Dann to the rescue. He tortures the Imperial Troopers with his crappy sales pitches and bumbles around with the scenary and manages to stop a Stormtrooper from uncovering the badly hidden HoloNet terminal. Which would have ended the Special with some very dead Wookiees and one annoying human, smoking and burning...damn, did it again.
He orders Malla to go make the Intruders some food to eat. Malla of course, is pissed at not only having to prepare food for ungrateful assholes like her family, but the EVIL EMPIRE too. Saun, not being retarded for once asks her nicely. Malla gives up and shuffles to the kitchen like a good little Wookiee house wife.
After this, more hilarious Art Carney action. He fumbles a joke or two before unleashing pure evil and forces open the Music Box he gave to Malla to entertain SINISTER Perv Guard.
Using the magic of Television, a 'Hologram' springs to life from the box. Rock music begins to play. We then get a silhouette of a man holding a Dildo to his mouth. At this point, I wondered if anyone actually edited this thing. Here is a picture borrowed from I-Mockery to show you this disaster if you don't have the guts to watch the entire thing on YouTube. Wuss.
SINISTER Pervguard would like that shit. Not us though. Sodomy is for life. No just for Wookiee lifeday.Introducing JEFFERSON STARSHIP! Woooo! Yeah!
And who was the guy who thought that adding acid rock to Star Wars was a good idea? Also, the special effects of this scene just suck. Half the instruments are only covered in that gay pink glow. The Band Members themselves didn't even bother to turn up in vaguely futuristic costumes.
Starship finally finishes their pathetic song and slowly wink out of the public eye for good. Thank god. Sadly, The Star Wars Christmas Album is much much worse than this by a long shot.
When the video ends, Saun Dann heroicly flees while the Imperials wreck the crap out of the crappy Wookiee tree house to our entertainment, uh, I mean. Dismay.
The Imperial Chubby Officer, not liking the slack jawed drooling thing known as Lumpy staring him asks Mallla and Itchy to keep him busy. His presence was upsetting most of the soldiers and distracting one of them anyway.
Malla urges Lumpy to do this, so Lumpy sits down and pulls a modified Speak N Spell from out of his ass and begins to watch a cartoon.
Not just any cartoon, but a cartoon of his dad and his friends adventures. The hell? how the..wha? my brain! Does the Alliance frigging ANIMATE it's past adventures? and sell the rights to the frigging HoloNet?
By the way, this cartoon is the first canon appearince of Boba Fett in his confused years (which explains his pink-ish armour). Fett fans, weep. If it hurt seeing Boba Fett as an annoying whiny kid, I suggest you leave the room.
Also, if you didn't like the animation style of the Clone Wars anime style mini toons, leave the room. This animation style is worse. Much much worse. Not just the animation, but the music too. It proves that unless it has an Orchestral backing and the John Williams stamp, Star Wars music will suck.
As for the plot, Han and Chewbacca were searching for a mystical Talisman to aid them in their battle against the evil Galactic Empire. Which raises the question, why the fuck?
Does Captain Murphy from SeaLab 2021 run the Rebel Alliance in this thing? wouldn't it be smarter if they used Han and Chewbacca to smuggle some stolen tech out from the Empire instead?
Of course, things don't go the way things plan and soon Luke Skywalker along with the droids is tailing the Falcon to a planet made out of brown jelly (that shit ain't water, It's mud or jelly) called Panna.
Luke, still in his dumb ass phase, crashes his Y-Wing clumsily and 'almost' gets 'eaten' by a rather gentle looking beast. Who gets the shit shocked out of it, and is captured by Boba Fett. Luke also shows us he got his dads plain stupidity, trusting a masked stranger with his life simply because he referred to him as 'friend' a few times.
Fett leads Luke to the Falcon. Both enter the downed ship easily (No locks Han?) and confront Chewbacca clutching a cookie jar/glowing talisman. Luke passes out and Fett, rather pissed entangles Chewbacca in his robe gun thingy in a stint of jerky painfully bad animation.
C-3PO quickly translates for Chewbacca and explains that the talisman was infected by an Imperial Sleeping Virus that only effects humans, Luke like Han has become infected.
To slow the infection down from slowly damaging them, Han and Luke are hung upside down. Chewwie, being an asshole, made that last bit up. I guess this what happens when you treat a fellow sentient being like a goddamn pet.
By the way, no wonder the 2nd Death Star was barely completed in Return of the Jedi. The Empire keeps spending credits and resources making pointless viruses and implanting them on shitty ancient artifacts. Also, the Empire is Pro-Human, Anti-Alien. So what was the whole fucking point of that damn virus!? Also, sleeping? goddamit!
Fett confirms that there is a cure in an Imperial Settlement nearby and Chewbacca demands to come with him, because spending time with Threepeo and Artoo on a spaceship alone is a frightening concept.
We get a decently animated montage and cut to a scuzzy Star Wars style Spaceport full of aliens. Fett ditches Chewbacca because being a wanted Rebel fugative could be a massive problem when walking into an Imperial controlled city (why didn't you think of that before, you Mandalorian dumb ass?) could be a problem. Chewbacca gets pissy, but agrees.
The Narrator jumps in (Agh!) and tell us Fett found the cure. Followed by a zoom in of an Imperial Boots, onto a box of a syringe and a hilarious picture of an upside down man drawn next to it. But gasp, he informs us that Fett was not after it. He's bad? Oh noes!
Fett pulls out his debit card and contacts a badly drawn Darth Vader on a viewscreen. This causes Lumpy, in real life, to loudly spazz out and make a mess of his fur if you get what I mean. Goddamit it, in the EU this thing grows up and becomes a Jedi!
One of the Officers, bored that he's not the one searching Itchy's Playbox stash goes to investigate. Lumpy turns the Speak 'N' Spell into some crappy game which fools the Officer, who would have killed him for watching cartoons made by the Idiot Alliance.
Fett and Vader converse casually, and after talking about last nights game and who has the hottest ass in the galaxy it finally comes out that Vader wants Fett to learn the location of the secret Rebel base.
Cut to the Falcon, Threepeo worries about the condition of Luke and Han some more and asks Artoo to get jiggy with the Falcon and find the location of Chewbacca and Fett (How does that work?).
Instead, they accidently stumble across Vader and Fetts transmission! Hey Vader, learn about something called passwords or hell, Encryption. Better yet, why not use the force?
Cut to Chewbacca and Fett, fleeing from Stormtroopers driving something that looks bad ass for once. I bet whatever it is the name of it will be The Mud Skipper. Fett shoots at the Stormtroopers rather lamely, Chewbacca takes the gun from his hand and blasts the cool looking fragile craft to bits and sends the Stormtroopers to a muddy brown jello grave. Zoom in on Fetts helmet.
We cut to the Falcon, Luke and Han have just been administered the syrum to cure them both. Incidently, Han here looks nothing like Harrison Ford. People whine that Manga Han doesn't look like Ford, but Manga Han at least had some faint resemblance. As well as open eyes.
Luke, pleased at Fett offers him a place in the Alliance. I guess he was easily impressed on how Fett found a hard to reach vein, always handy for the odd spice trip.
R2-D2 interrupts and C-3PO translate and both inform Luke and Han of the transmission they stumbled across by pure chance. Luke, shock turns and see's Boba Fett, blaster out slowly moving backwards.
Fett, who is suppose to be a major bad ass killing machine who rarely messes up, survives the Sarlacc, gets all the women and can kick any Jedi or Sith ass without blinking an eyelid does do something no fan of this Sci-Fi fantasy space opera would ever believe unless they saw this with their actual eyes.
He's flees the fucking scene. He leaves the Falcon via the hatch that Lando used to save Luke in Empire using his Jetpack. I repeat, he flees from his defenceless unarmed slightly confused targets.
Good thing he and Vader have such a damn good relationship huh?
This cartoon ends on a joke at Chewbaccas expense. I bet Chewbacca inside was wondering why he saved this bunch of ungrateful ass monkeys.
Thus ends what some call, the only good bit of this Holiday Special. We're almost done, thank god.
The cartoon ends and Lumpy applauds at such a hilarious and offensive dig towards his species. Way to go little guy! Jesus.
Cut to the little idiots room, The Imperials are now acted just like assholes and are causing a major mess. SINISTER Perv Guard even rips the toy Bantha into two. Guess he was molested by one when he was boy.
When the Imperial Soldiers return to the lounge, the Officer feels like beating the crap out of Itchy for a bit and tells Lumpy rather EVILLY to 'clean his room'. Wow. What bastards!
Lumpy goes to his trashed room, and weeps sadly over the loss of his dear teddy. Oh boo hoo, pardon me if I don't care. I'm more annoyed at how low the Empire has gotten. What happened to the Planet destroying killer fascist nutballs we all knew from A New Hope?
Lumpy then decides to fight back! Wookiee style! He unpacks the boxed transmitter and gets to work. During this, he puts on an instructional video to help him. How many goddamn terminals does this place have?
We're introduced to some bland comedy with Harvey Korman acting as the host of the video who apparently is an alien with delayed Motor Skills. This gives him a chance to ham it up both on the speaking and general movement front. To anyone who thinks jerking around like an idiot and making silly noises is funny still, stop breathing my air.
When things get too silly, Lumpy turns off the video and continues thus ending this lame bit of family friendly comedy. Goddamit it, that little bastard knew what he was doing! The Bacca family sure are assholes, huh?
We cut downstairs, the Imperial Troopers bored that the fact beating Itchy only aroused him, are told by an Imperial Commander via their comlinks to watch some reality Television on the old computer screen.
Man, mandatory Reality TV. Maybe the Empire is still actually proper evil. And not just any Reality TV, but Reality TV set in stock footage Mos Eisley land! YAY!
Time for the musical part of this crap fest.
We cut to a set dressed up to emulate the Mos Eisley Cantina, though it is done rather poorly. Though I'm not surprised they could get the real set, that would involve them flying to North Africa! then they'd have to drop Art Carney.
We see many costumes used over from ANH worn badly by over acting extras trying to copy the real Mos Eisley scene. They fail. The music, also fails. I even see Greedo! and Ponda Baba, the Walrus dude with both arms!
Was a Continuality Guy that fucking expensive? and guess who the bartender is of this rough and tough bar in the hive of scum and villainy that is Mos Eisley Space Port?
Bea Arthur. Are you screaming yet?
Yes, Bea Arthur. Who plays Ackmena. Apparently, this is also the night shift of the Cantina. But to explain the fact nobody is being shot or anything illegal is going on, they have some extra caked up in make up acting as a Bouncer.
Some Middle Aged Alien humanoid has the hots for Ackmena. Eeeew. She ignores him at first and serves her customers, all of which she acts rude and sarcastic too. She even pats some on the head. No fucking wonder the Clone Wars broke out.
Krelmen, the humanoid by the way, shows us how whacky he is by drinking through a hole in his head and harassing Ackmena both verbally and physically. I guess Sexual Harassment Suits and Restraining Orders aren't needed in a galaxy far far away.
Then, BAM! The same Imperial Commander from earlier, (who pronounced Kashyssk as Kazook I might add) orders a curfew on Tatooine. A little late dude, Han and Luke left AGES ago. Ackmena, fearing the Empire asks her customers to leave. The aliens ignore her, and rightfully so. Maybe you should think before patting somebody on the eye you goddamn moron. She then decides to put a round on the house and mutters about sending the Bill to the Empire. Hopefully, Palpatine used that bill when he went to the refresher.
She then promises 'one more round' and breaks out her secret weapon. Singing!
GOD AWFUL TERRIBLE SINGING! SINGING THAT BURNS THE FLESH! DAMN YOU ALIENS, FUCK YOU! AAAAAAAGH! STOP JESUS STOP STOP STOP!This is done to a slowed down badly done version of the Cantina song from A New Hope. Which adds insult to injury. Ackmena breaks Boba Fetts use of the word friend from the cartoon with ease during the song too.
Also, She hugs a giant mouse puppet during the number. The fuck? what studio did they steal that one from? she also dances with Ponda Baba, showing us he isn't missing a limb at all. Was it that expensive to even dye the costumes of your aliens? honestly!
At last, the music number ends as Ackmena shoves the last idiot through the door. I guess Obi-Wan's definition of the Cantina 'getting a little rough' needs a lot of work.
The creepiest bit of of all is, after turning around the place all quiet she discovers her creepy Stalker is still with her. The camera feed ends so we don't have to see the horrible act of assault and forced reproduction. Thank god.
Suddenly, we hear a bleeping sound and the Imperial Officer holds up a cheap walkie talkie. Apparently, the cheap toy tells him to 'return to base'. So the Empire has only a single base? I guess that explains why one half of the planet isn't blockaded.
I guess when you need to make pointless sleeping viruses, the funding from SOMETHING has to be cut. The Chubby Officer calls most of his unit to return to base, but leaves one Stormtrooper behind, openly and loudly admitting his suspicions than the missing male Wookiee may be a Rebel near the cowering piles of jelly that are Malla and Itchy.
After the Imperials leave, despite the fact that they outnumber the single Stormtrooper in numbers and strength, Malla and Itchy just cower there.
I guess Old and female Wookiees are just naturaly weak and cowardly right? Then the 'Return to Base' message is heard from up from Lumpys room. Turns out Lumpy used his voice on the transmitter to remove most of the Imperials. Good thing for him the Empire only had one base and has the security of a wet sheet of muddy A4 paper.
The retard however, forgot to turn down the volume setting and the Stormtrooper goes to investigate. We get a menacing shot of a Stormtrooper shadow eveloping Lumpy. At this point, a break cuts in.
In my mind, the Stormtrooper brutally cuts down Lumpy in well aimed Blaster fire and we watch Lumpys greasy fur go up in flames, the little bastard screaming in agony. Sadly, this doesn't happen when we come back.
Instead, the Stormtrooper stomps over to Lumpy, and takes the device SLOOOWWWWLY from the little Wookiee and drops it lamely onto the floor. Lumpy finally gets it into his head that he should cheese it and does so.
The moron zooms down the stairs being chased by the single Stormtrooper and outside the Bacca household and bumps straight into daddy Chewbacca, who has his Bowcastor holstered on his back. Chewbacca, somehow suffering from the stupidity aura his family projects, just pushes by Lumpy and the Stormtrooper, distracting the Trooper while Han slowly sneaks along the wall.
Even through he's on top of a tree in broad daylight. Han knocks the Blaster from the Stormtroopers hand (way to hold it right, retard!) and onto the floor. The Stormtrooper turns and go for Han who moves left. The Stormtrooper trips over his OWN goddamn gun and smashes through the flimsy railing and topples to a messy horrible of death thousands of feet below.
Clones of Jango Fett my ass. They are crappy conscripts, and this proves it.
Han hugs and comforts Lumpy, calling him 'sugar'. Disturbing Wookiee/Human relations meter is now at an all time 6. Han then hands Lumpy to his daddy. Han Solo, Tough Scoundrel Mercenary Smuggler who works for Jabba The Hutt just used the term 'Daddy' and 'Sugar'. It burns!
And through all this, Lumpy is making an annoying whining sound that makes me want to slam something hard and sharp through the goddamn little bastards skull.
We get a heart warming scene where Chewbacca and Han reunite with the rest of the Bacca family. Han really punches the tough guy act in the throat by making comments your gran and grandad would have made when they saw you when you were a kid. He also reveals that the furry bunch of idiots we've spent almost 2 hours with are 'like family' to him.
Han leaves and we have a touching scene as Malla and Chewbacca moan hornily at each other. I shudder to think what will happen tonight after they put Lumpy and Itchy to bed. We get more Wookiee acting! I've never wanted subtitles more than now in my life.
Then, gasp! there is a knock on the door. Everyone but Chewbacca tenses and cowers. Chewbacca readies his Bowcastor and slides open the door to reveal Suan Dann. Who makes a sudden move and causes Chewbacca to insert a laser bolt into his forehead. Sigh, if only we were that lucky.
Instead we get some bad witty dialogue and Chewbacca doesn't rip Saun Danns arms from his sockets from mackin' on his hoe while he was away. Then the Omnipotent Imperial Commander appears on the computer screen along with the annoying computer pattern and tries to get in contact with the white and red splat that was the clumsy Stormtrooper.
Saun Dann moves fast and establishes communication with his debit card. The Imperial Commander Dispatcher Officer guy, not pissed at all from being interrupted by making pointless Imperial Announcements asks Saun Dann what up.
Saun Dann informs the Commander dude that the Stormtrooper stole food and ran off to the hills. Despite the fact Kashyssk is made from mainly really fucking high trees and the odd beach or river, the Commander believes this and sends out a search party.
In reality, this would be stupid because unless Han is a good jogger then the Falcon would be discovered by the much quicker Scouttroopers. Thanks Saun Dann, you dick. Way to put a Rebel Hero that is a billion times more useful than you at risk.
After this Saun says goodbye and uses the token 'May The Force be With You' reminding us how cooler Obi-Wan was in A New Hope.
Then, the Bacca family grab some cheap crystal balls from the shelves of their house (The Imperials didn't smash these? Goddamn they suck even at being messy assholes) and hold them aloft into the air.
Then, they are in space wearing red robes. The concept of a Wookiee wearing actual clothing is just as alarming as the concept of being in cold airless space without any aid. At this point, nobody gave a damn anymore I think.
Then we see a line of all sorts of Wookiees walking into a glowing globe like hole in space. Um. I'm afraid to ask what the hell does this all represents just in case it is some fucked up Wookiee metophor for reproduction.
We then cut to a gathering place full of Wookiee extras, all of them wearing those red robes. Just think of all that natural grease coming from their fur and how long a fire could burn if somebody threw a match right now.
Then Threepeo and Artoo appear out of nowhere. The hell? how did they get there? does the Alliance know that two robots with vital information about their location are chilling on an Imperial Blockaded Planet?
Threepeo starts speaking to the Wookiees and blathering on in a way that makes me wish I could turn the thing off.
Then out burst Luke, Han and Leia, all wearing the clothes they wore in A New Hope (What the hell?) and Leia jiggling in a rather nice and distracting way and ambush Chewbacca in a series of hugs. Woah Leia, calm down! don't stroke Chewbacca like that or Itchy might get pissed.
Also, I hope you guys asked High Command if it was okay to all slack off like this.
Disturbing Wookiee/Human relations meter: Final Score, 7. Wooo! Yeah! Nightmares abound!
Leia stops stroking Chewbacca for a second and starts blathering out Rebel Propaganda, somehow comparing a crappy Wookiee holiday with liberation of the galaxy and the fight against evil. She then begins to
hfjftkhkghkggf,gjmedjgglgk h
gn,gngj]
hgljg;]
Augh! Oh god! my nose is bleeding! and my eyes and ears! what the hell? Ugh! Carrie Fishers sings LYRICS to the actual opening theme of Star Wars. Badly. This makes Bea Arthurs song look good. Not only that, but not even picturing her naked helps. She has a creepy glazed over look of somebody obviously high on drugs during this.
And while she sings, we have shots of each character from a morose looking Harrison Ford pondering the future of his career to Mark Hamil wondering how long Lucas will force him to wear make up in these things.
I'm preying for the 2nd Death Star to loom suddenly into the skyline and unleash that heavenly beam of death! Please!
Then it ends and we get clips and stock footage from A New Hope to remind us how awesome that movie was compared to this, along with the lyric less theme music. Thank god that is over. Is it over? please be over!
Okay, a quick break and the Bacca family are gorging themselves on the dinner Malla made from them. Nobody seems to be thanking Malla or being loving. Which means Lifeday is really just an excuse to gorge on food and act like a dick in general.
Oh my god! the end! the cheap ass TV credits flash listing the name of all those guilty of this hellspawn of the holidays! some still work today!
Jesus. That was horrible. But it was festive. Festively horrible.
On a final note, no wonder the Ewoks kicked the Wookiees from Endor.
1 Nurdy Point out of 5. Watch it if you want to torture yourself or just see what the fuss is about.
Author
