Once again, ancient Babylonian scrolls hold the answer:
2004 (Nov)--Bush wins re-election under repetitively suspicious circumstances. The country's morale is at an all-time low.
2005 (Jan)--Michael Moore blows himself up at Bush inauguration, taking with him the first 10 people in line to the presidency
. Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao is passed over since she was born in Taiwan, and HHS Secretary Tommy Thompson claims the office.
2005 (May)--Tommy Thompson goes quite mad and declares himself "Emperor of America". He then launches an all-out assault on those countries he perceives to be the biggest threats to the US, which include Chile, Tonga and Vatican City. The world is in an uproar, and the UN votes to kick the US out if they do not remove Thompson from office.
2005 (June)--Thompson had the foresight to appoint enough like-minded beer buddies to important posts so that his regime has a stranglehold on the US government. They tell the UN "Don't forget whose country you're in, bitch," and catapult every diplomat out of the country and into the Atlantic Ocean.
2005 (July 1)--The media is in a frenzy to try and sway the American public away from their new despot. Thompson's goon squads immediately seize control of all major media.
2005 (July 2)--The American public are pleased to hear that their glorious leader now has an unprecedented 100% approval rating. All international commerce and travel is put on temporary hold.
2005 (December)--After several months of prosperity, Americans find a new favorite pastime: killing themselves. Rather than chide them for this "illegal act", the state decides to cash in on the masses' newfound hobby.
2006 (January)--The first "Boothanasia" brand suicide booths appear on street corners in every major city. The response is overwhelming, and the economy booms as the orders flood in to put suicide booths in every city, town and village.
2006 (April)--In keeping with the healthy spirit of competition, "Stop 'n' Drop" opens for business, and are immediately slapped with a "cease and desist" for daring to compete with a state-run industry. It is learned that "Stop 'n' Drop" is backed by a foreign conglomerate.
2006 (June)--The first of the "Suicide Booth Wars" begins. After a bloody four-day struggle, it is declared a tie by Emperor Thompson, who marks the occasion by taking a ceremonial spin in one of the competitor's booths. HUD Secretary Alphonso Jackson claims the throne.
2006 (October)--Following four more Suicide Booth Wars, Emperor Jackson announces that a permanent truce is to be declared, and anyone who does not agree to it will be executed. 60,000 public executions take place that afternoon. Laws against suicide are officially repealed, as are laws against murder.
2007 (February)--In time for Valentine's day, a new brand of Suicide Booth opens: "Death Shack". Seeing this new competitor spooks the two brand leaders, and they decide to team up and crush the new interloper.
2007 (August)--During this conflict, the blood runs ankle-deep throughout most of the world. Emperor Jackson decrees that more efficient drainage systems are needed.
2008 (December)--At an X-mas party for Suicide Booth executives, Chauncey Rellman, CEO of "Stop 'n' Drop" pulls a coup-de-tat
on his competitors. Instead of sexy women popping out of the novelty cakes, heavily-armed commandos who mow down the other executives and place their heads on spikes throughout the banquet hall. Emperor Jackson applauds this bold gesture.
2008 (January)--A ceremony to declare "Stop 'n' Drop" America's number one Suicide Booth is postponed until it can be determined that you can have a number one without having a number two. English teachers disagree, but after several hundred of them are put to death by Emperor Jackson, there is no further dissent.
2008 (February)--In a grand and lavish spectacle, "Stop 'n' drop" is officially declared America's number one Suicide Booth. 1,000 virgins are sacrificed to the volcano gods (not female virgins--"Babylon 5" fans).